


After You're Gone

by Iflyinmydreams (orphan_account)



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cancer, Character Death, Child Death, Domestic Fluff, Dying sucks, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, L is depressed, M/M, Married Couple, Soulmates, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-08-20 19:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 53,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20233309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Iflyinmydreams
Summary: Light always knew he wouldn't live long as Kira. Something in his bones told him that. So when he gave it all up to be with L, he hoped that would all change. It didn't.





	1. Death Sentence

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking a peak at my first fic! I'm so excited :D This story is supposed to be an intentional emotional roller coaster. Hopefully it delivers.

“Hey baby,”  L's smooth, familiar voice was a soothing compliment to the darkened room. Getting his bearings, Light glanced about from where he lay in his hospital bed.  He was used to waking up there by now even if he were still quite  disoriented every time he woke.

His eyes fixated on L, who  sat in the comfy looking recliner  to the right of his bed , “Would you like a cookie?”

It was peanut butter.  Light raised his bed and scooted himself up the best his weak body would allow and accepted the sweet confection. While cookies and candy and the like  were typically an  indulgence of his  husband, something about the  late night snack seemed like a good idea.

As Light munched on what was possibly the best peanut butter cookie he'd ever had, his nurse dipped her head in with his evening medications. She pushed around  a massive cart with a big computer monitor, which displayed his digital charts and medications and other information.

Light smiled at her,  cookie crumbs adorning his beautiful face. For a moment L just held the look of his adorable husband in his mind. This would be how he remembered  Light , since he was forced to make memories in a hospital.  Child-like was a good word for it, L thought. With the white sheets over his body and his hair disheveled, the ignored TV in the corner casting an ethereal glow to Light’s skin, he certainly looked innocent. He was innocent, L thought. And he didn't deserve the hand he'd been dealt.

“Did you have a good nap?” Sweet  Lugina asked as she approached the bedside. She was older, overweight, with nondescript hair she kept braided and colorless glasses. But there was something wonderful about her. She always put Light at ease, and always whispered to him in a happy tone of voice, an encouraging tone of voice. She took the requests and concerns of his family and husband in stride,  understanding their concerns but never breaking protocol.

Light nodded and accepted his medicine as he’d done every night since his arrival. Well, since he became lucid enough to understand what was going on. There was a night at the beginning where he tried chewing his pills after expressly being asked not to. He couldn't help it, however.  He'd been admitted to the hospital the day before after fainting in the middle of saying a long rant of strange stuff to his husband. L immediately called for an ambulance and had remained a rather frantic mess ever  since.

It was in stark contrast to how L appeared now.  He was calm, seemingly collected. Perhaps it was simply exhaustion. “I have to go soon, baby. I'll see you in the morning.”

Light frowned.  Things were much better with L there. “I don't want you to go,” he pleaded, his tired voice nearly unrecognizable.

L stood and kissed his forehead, gently holding Light's hand, “I have to take care of the dogs. They've been in the house way too long. I'm sure I'm coming home to a mess.”

Light grinned when L mentioned the dogs. He missed them terribly and knew L was probably right.  Nodding slightly, Light resigned himself to one more night alone.  L kissed him once more, and smirked at Light's heavy eyelids fighting to stay open. His evening meds were kicking in. Hopefully it would be a peaceful night.

What Light didn't remember due to his delirious state the first several nights at the hospital, was that he called for L every night, all night long.  The staff was patient with him, reminding him that they could call his husband any time. That information was enough to calm him  a little as he grew more and more aware.  But L started having to stay  late into the evening and arrive early in the morning to help keep Light calm and cooperative.  In a way, it was flattering to know the depths of Light’s desire for him and that it was real and in many ways very raw.  On the other hand, it was incredibly heartbreaking. And to make things even more difficult, of course his time with Light was limited due to the diagnosis they received.

“Cancer,” L whispered to himself on his ride home. It wasn't just any old cancer, oh no. It was the rare, most likely inoperable brain tumor type. Tears rolled down his face and he didn't even bother to wipe them from his pointed chin as he stared hopelessly out the window. He couldn't be emotional in front of Light, he was still too fragile. 

Maybe it was selfish of him, he didn't know, but part of L just wanted to get the whole dying part over with. He didn't want to face the months or years of uncertainty, treatment, testing, scares and the possibility that he could wake up any morning next to a cold body. He didn't want the emotionally and physically draining journey that would be caring for a dying Light. Somehow, he knew it would kill him too.  If there was a merciful God, he would take Light soon and without pain or duress.  While L didn't want to face the reality of a life without Light, he didn't want his husband to suffer either . 

Looking around his messy house, L flicked on a lamp and sighed as he glanced around. The dogs burst forward, excitedly wagging their entire bodies in excitement. At least they’d stayed out of the trash. “Good dogs,” L said as he let the large shepherds out into their back yard. They were quick to finish their business and run back inside. L knew Light would not be happy with the state of things. He’d have to clean up before Light came home. _If he comes home, _he shook his head, _don't think like that. He's coming home. __He's…._L choked down a sob and covered his mouth as he sunk to his knees on the floor. He didn't want this new reality, this reality where his main objective wasn't catching Kira; it was making sure his husband died peacefully at home. With a reality like that to weigh him to the floor, L curled himself up, wrapped his arms around his knees, and wept uncontrollably. Eventually he cried himself to sleep there on his messy living room floor, surrounded by piles of unwashed laundry. His dogs whined as they curled against him, attempting to offer all the comfort they could. They missed Light too.

L awoke to a puddle of drool and a mouth full of dog hair. His unrelenting alarm made him want to smash the smart device on his wrist, yet he knew this pain was self inflicted. 4am wake up calls were  normal for him now. L peeled himself from underneath the large, hairy shepherds keeping him warm and stumbled to the kitchen to brew some coffee. Life never made sense before coffee,  especially lately.

“Oh fuck I forgot to feed you guys dinner,” L said from over the lip of his cup.  His face twisted. It seemed he forgot most things nowadays. He even forgot to feed  himself. 

At least these were easy animals. With mug in hand, L stumbled to the back door and let the dogs out.  Feeding them was mindless and thankfully consisted of a scoop of kibble each. They knew the drill; once back in the house they sat patiently before their silver bowls and waited for the  ok to chow down.

“I'm going to need more coffee,” L grumbled to himself as he shuffled back over to the full pot. He missed early mornings with Light.  The guy could be annoying as hell first thing in the morning, having the audacity to wake up feeling refreshed and well rested. But he sure could cook up a mean breakfast. L would never be able to figure out how to make a  frittata like Light could.

The memories reminded L to eat, and he rummaged their cabinets for something. He hadn't been eating enough and Light finally took notice, so in an attempt to not stress his husband, L found a granola bar to choke down. His wrist vibrated with a message on his watch. It was Sachiko and Watari. Both had offered him help previously, and he knew he needed it, but somehow he couldn’t find the energy to accept it. Right now his home was the only place he could fall apart, and if they were there, he wouldn't be able to.

He sighed as he glanced around his perfectly destroyed home and decided it was time to accept their help. Light would most likely be coming home soon anyway, and the house needed to be clean or L would never hear the end of it.  He tapped a quick reply as he downed his final cup of coffee, hands beginning to shake as caffeine course d through his blood.

When L went upstairs to get dressed, he only realized how dire his situation was  upon opening his dresser drawers to find them empty. “Fuck,” he mumbled as he began scooping clothing off the floor to wash.  He would be a little late to the hospital today, but hopefully that didn't impact Light too much.

Staring blankly at the washer machine before him, L wondered how it came to pass that he was such an incredibly useless adult. Light always did all the laundry.  L quickly realized Light did everything. What the hell did he contribute to the relationship?  He was messy, obsessive, lazy, immature and combative. Light always dealt with him with this sort of resigned grace, as though he were willing to concede the fight before him because he somehow knew he'd get the last laugh.

And this was it. This was that last laugh. L piled the clothes into the washer without separating the colors because he didn't know to do so, and  grabbed a couple different bottles and read the labels. One was a stain remover, the other added scent. He found a fabric softener, dark clothing preserver,  everything except just some regular fucking soap. Frazzled, he thought to throw something against the wall when he noticed an open container of laundry 'packs'.  “Oh,” he read the label and blushed at how ridiculously simple the concept was. He started the wash on a hot, normal cycle, hoping that was the right thing to do. He frowned as he walked away to try and tackle another chore, knowing that Light would not be able to keep the house up when he got home. 

After staring at the sink full of dishes, L quickly decided that he would gladly pay any amount for a house keeper. Perhaps they could hire a local college student to move into the cottage on property and in exchange for rent, they'd keep the place looking sharp. He figured he'd hire a grounds keeper too. Some of their fencing needed repair and L was about as handy as an invalid.  Not only that, but the bushes in front of their kitchen windows had grown to a place of obstruction, and Light always enjoyed the view from their kitchen best. It simply wouldn't do. Light wouldn't suffer even the slightest inconvenience.  The thought of taking control and caring for Light gave L back a sense of  empowerment he'd lost.  He knew things weren't ok and that things wouldn't be ok, but as he began loading the dishwasher, for the first time he felt there was at least something he could do.

The obnoxious beep from the washer machine reminded L to swap out the wash so it would dry and he could finally get out of the house. When he pulled his clothing out, he frowned. His white t-shi rts were now  _ grey.  _ “Oh, what the fuck!” L shouted as he kicked at nothing and held up his ruined shirt.  Fuck it, he thought.  Throwing everything into the dryer, he chose the highest setting and hoped for the best.

The dogs looked at him quizzically as he picked up laundry and trash from the floor. “Stop giving me those judgmental looks,” he complained. They whined a little in response.  _ They probably think all hope is lost if I'm the one cleaning. _

Clarence, the larger and slightly more dumb of the two dogs, declared war on the vacuum the moment L touched it. “How does Light get anything done with you around?  You're an asshole!” L finally had to arm himself with a spatula to get the dog off the vacuum long enough for it to be of any use. 

“This is exhausting!” L was about to throw himself on the couch when the dryer announced the completion of its cycle.  _ Finally.  _ L raced to open it and pulled the first shirt he could find over his head. It was a little tight, and L huffed in the mirror, “Now what did I do wrong?!”

His pants felt a little tight as well. What he didn't know is that Light dried everything almost exclusively on low. Many garments he hung to dry and certain things were dry clean only. L had no concept of any of this. “I'm such a fucking failure that I can't even wash basic clothing.”

The dogs continued watching L struggle with his clothing and then run out the door. Both dogs barked when he left, knowing they would be spending yet another long and lonely day without their best friends. 


	2. Domestic Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L confesses to Light what an utter failure he is as an adult, then helps Light get ready for his appointment with a neurosurgeon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you're enjoying this fic. It's a little slow paced, but hopefully worth the read!

At the hospital, Light seemed relieved to see L walk in rather than upset that he was late. L enjoyed seeing Light erupt into laughter at his explanation for his grey, ill fitting shirt and his  woeful tale of chore doing.  “I don't know how you do it,” he blushed and rubbed the back of his head .

“It's a lot of work. That's why I often got up a couple hours before you. That way I could knock out chores and enjoy breakfast with you,” Light smiled. He had a new band  aid where the tech drew blood earlier.  Gently, Light lifted it off and rubbed the slightly bruised area.

L frowned. Light’s arms were covered in bruises.  “Are you ok? Today, I mean. How do you feel?”

Light smiled slightly at L , debating on what to say. Every day was difficult, some more than others.  “ Today isn't so bad now that you're here.”

Light’s words combined with that magic grin could usually melt L and any defense he thought he had. But lately he found he saw through Light's stoicism. He knew his husband felt like shit.  _ Then why did you ask? _

“Hey, so, we’re supposed to talk to a neurosurgeon today,” L said, changing the subject, “It's ultimately your decision on what to do. I'll support you either way.”

Light nodded, grin still plastered on his face. He knew his diagnosis was a death sentence, but based on  treatment options, he could sort of choose when to die. Light knew the day he became Kira that he would die young; he just didn't think it would be quite like this.  Surgery might offer more time, but at what expense? He knew some of the risks already. He could go blind or lose other functions, even memories . 

“Please don't worry yourself over it,” L said, brushing his fingers through Light's hair. “Hey, would you like me to help you shower before he arrives? We have a few hours.”

“That would be great,” Light smiled. L was fantastic at respecting how private he could be, and each time Light needed a shower or anything 'private’ since he came to his senses, L made sure it was just the two of them. 

L shut the bedroom door for privacy and stood between his husband and the bathroom door, offering his arms for support as the hospital staff had shown him.  It was good for Light to be as active as possible, to walk assisted by somebody as far as he could. It would prevent blood clots and help the back pain he developed from sleeping in a hospital bed.

Light looked into L's fiery eyes as he grabbed his husband's forearm and hoisted himself up. L turned to use his free hand to hold open the bathroom door but Light stopped him, “Wait,” he whispered as he wrapped his weakened arms around L. L returned the embrace, burying his head in L ight 's neck and breathing him in.

“You stink,” L smiled into Light's neck.

“Thanks,” Light laughed, Kissing the side of L's head before straightening up to be led into the bathroom.

L helped Light sit on the closed toilet while he started the shower.  He knew Light always liked the water incredibly hot. So hot, in fact, that L nearly passed out on more than one occasion during their personal steamy shower sessions together.  Smiling briefly to himself, L hoped those sessions weren't completely over with. He wondered if Light would be too sick from now on to enjoy sex. If the last time really was the last time.

Light pulled his Hospital shirt overhead and leaned forward, pinching L's ass. L jumped and swatted him away, but Light just laughed. “You’re ridiculous,” L huffed with fake indignation.

“I can't help it, it’s a nice ass,”  Light grinned playfully as L turned to face him.

“Of the two of us, you certainly have the nicer backside, my dear,” L admitted as he helped Light finish undressing.  Changing the subject, “Are you able to stand in the shower unassisted?”

“If I say no will you get naked and join me?”

L sighed but smiled, “No way that's happening here in the hospital.  I'll give you this seat,” L said as he pointed to the grey and silver folded washing station in the corner.

“You're no fun,” Light conceded and with L's assistance, made it into the shower. He steadied himself with the help  of the railing and lathered soap everywhere he could reach. The hot water felt amazing on his pained back. 

L didn't hesitate to get even with his ass pinching husband, and Light laughed as he turned in time to see L withdrawing his hand. Light splashed him with water, L playfully blocking it but getting soaked anyway. They smiled into a sweet kiss as Light cut off the water and L handed him a towel.

“Do you want me to shave you?” L asked as he dried Light’s hair.

Light nodded. Still smiling, he stepped out of the shower with L's help and brushed his teeth.  He was slow moving, but able. It was a far cry from how bad off he was when he’d first arrived.

“You smell better,” L whispered from behind Light as he kissed his shoulder.

Laughing, “I would hope so!”

Light shrugged on the fluffy white robe L brought from home and sat back down on the toilet seat. L smeared a generous amount of shaving cream on his husband's beautiful face. His heart clenched at how thin it had become. Light had been losing weight hand over fist. Weight he couldn't afford to lose. L attempted to keep a soft smile plastered to his face as he cut away tiny red and blond hairs.  It took everything he had not to tremble with each stroke of the razor. 

Despite sunken, dark circles and bags forming around Light's eyes, they still held the fire and beauty of the sun, L thought.  Flecks of gold and amber refracted the light in such a mesmerizing way that L still fe lt breathless over it.  “All done,” he whispered as he smoothed a hot, wet towel over Light's face.

“Thank you, baby,”  Light said as he reached for L, who pulled him up and walked him back to his hospital bed. Once under the plain white sheets, it didn't take long for fatigue to set in and Light to fall asleep. L assumed his position in the chair to his right, never letting go of Light's hand.


	3. Cleaning House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys consult a neurosurgeon. L cleans the house with a little help from his friends.

Light awoke to conversation he couldn't quite make out, his senses a blur as he came to. A tall man in a white lab coat with a friendly demeanor and nondescript glasses was speaking with L. The neurosurgeon, Light realized. The doctor turned to Light and introduced himself, then continued in his current dialogue with L.

Light caught on quickly. L was asking very L like questions. Light rolled his eyes, thinking this wasn't a suspect to interrogate. But he knew L needed this process, needed some modicum of control before he lost his mind completely. The doctor took everything in stride, politely answering without a single feather ruffled.

Turned out, according to Dr. Suzuki, they could remove a large portion of the tumor and shrink the rest into Oblivion with aggressive chemo therapy.  Of course, there were risks,  but if they were successful, Light could come out of all this living a relatively normal life for another decade. He would have to take medication to prevent the cancer from  metastasizing . They actually had already started him on a low dose of the drug in an effort to stop the cancerous growth until he could undergo treatment . A lot depended on his body handling the medication well. It was relatively new still, but for those who could tolerate it, it worked famously. So far Light seemed fine, but as the dose increased, they knew  side affects  might pop up.

“When can he come home, doctor?” L asked anxiously.

“ Soon. Maybe tomorrow. We're going to increase the medication, watch him overnight, and if all is well, discharge him into your care, Mr.  Lawliet- Yagami .”

Light and L shared a look and smiled. They were both excited to be able to go home together soon. It was the best news they'd yet received.  L leaned over and kissed Light's forehead, running fingers through his soft,  nearly dry hair. 

The doctor excused himself and the couple squeezed their intertwined fingers. They had a glimmer of hope for the first time. “You know, L,  medicine progresses so fast. Maybe by the time a decade has passed they'll have a cure for me.”

L didn't want to be that optimistic, but he hid behind his smile, “That would be amazing.”

Secretly, L was mostly panicked that he only had twenty four hours to get the house in order before Light came home.  There was  little excuse to leave  Light’s side besides food or to go to the bathroom, so L felt a confession was necessary. “I'm going to have to leave soon, Light,” he began with a frown.

“Why?”

“ I'm sure it won't shock you to know the house is in utter shambles,” L couldn't hide his embarrassment at being a domestic failure. Light simply laughed, so he continued, “Your mother and  Watari have offered to help straighten things out, so I'm taking them up on their offer.”

“Very generous of them. Do they know what a disaster you are? They may be biting off more than they can chew,” Light laughed.

L swatted playfully at his arm, “You ass,” he laughed.  It was true though. L was indeed a disaster.  He stood and let a lingering kiss befall his dear husband who annoyed him to no end, “You will be coming home to a comfortable house that is up to your neurotic ass  standards. I promise.” 

Light laughed as he watched L slink out of the room. For the first time since this whole ordeal, L seemed less hunched over, less slow, less depressed. Light knew he'd been put on a medication to help L manage his anxiety and depression following Light’s admission.  While Light didn't remember it, L was out of control, unwilling to leave or sleep, and had become combative with hospital staff in the beginning.  Watari and Mello had to come restrain him as he fell into shambles over Light.  The doctor administered a sedative and wrote a script for L, giving  Watari a worried look. He wouldn't want to be in this old man's shoes, that's for sure.

After a long discussion about needing to be strong for his husband, L agreed to take the medication.  He wasn't happy about it, but after a week he noticed a stark improvement. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, because that's when Light started coming around.

As L headed out to the parking lot, he shot both  Watari and Sachiko a text asking if they were available that day.  Of course they both were, and Sachiko offered to bring  Sayu along to help. L was grateful. The more help the better, he thought.

He certainly wasn't expecting Matt, Mello, and Near to accompany  Watari , however.  It overwhelmed him with gratitude,  and he bit back tears as he welcomed them all into his destroyed home. The three brothers embraced L, bringing him comfort and love he desperately needed. 

Surprisingly, Mello seemed the most moved by L's situation. He squeezed L's shoulder and looked him in the eyes, “I'm here for you, brother. I can't imagine what this has been like for you.”

Matt moved in and placed a reassuring kiss to Mello's temple . Mello's arm dropped away from L and grasped Matt’s hand. Being with Matt had changed the crazy bastard.  He was still dangerously unhinged,  but he was also somehow exposed. L couldn't place it. Something within him was softer now. Mello could feel in a way he couldn't before, and when he thought of losing Matt the way L was losing Light…well, he just didn't think of it.

“Let's get started,” Sachiko stated with authority, hair tied back and hands gloved, “Matt, Mello. I'm sure you'll do well with working in the garden. I saw a shed, surely there are tools in there?”

L nodded. Light had a well organized array of landscaping equipment he'd collected over the years. Their massive fi v e acre plot always looked so stunning thanks to Light's tender care. Rose bushes and ancient trees aligned a stone pathway which ended at a  white wooden bench swing . The bench was covered by a lattice archway that tangled itself in Morning Glory so beautifully.  Everything looked like it sprang from a fairy tale. Perhaps a mermaid lived in their coy pond. Maybe a unicorn would appear from the woods beyond.

As L walked the boys to the shed to unlock it, he wondered how many days he and Light had left together to sit in their swing and do nothing. Lazy spring mornings with coffee and biscuits. It was their time to just be together without the demands of the world on their shoulders. They could sit there and be lovers instead of detectives.  Friends before team mates.  Even if they had a fight, they could go out to their swing and somehow the world would be right again.

L left Matt and Mello to their devices and headed back inside where he found Sachiko had already delegated tasks to the remaining 'crew'.  Watari was scrubbing dishes, Near and  Sayu were dusting and organizing, and Sachiko was sorting out the laundry. She tackled everything with a stoic grace, and suddenly L understood where Light got it from.   


“L dear,  how do you feel about dropping the dogs off with the local groomer for a few hours? It'll get them out of our hair and also take care of theirs,” Sachiko suggested with a sweet wink.

“Oh, yes. I believe I know the one Light used. I'll call now,” L said as he thumbed through his contacts, feeling even more useless as he realized  his husband easily did the work of 5 people every day.  _ And then he went to work on top of it.  _ Light had always impressed L with his work ethic, but this was more than he ever realized. How the hell did Light do it all?

Turned out the groomer was of the traveling variety and would arrive within the hour.  She knew Light well and simply adored him but had never met L. She seemed eager to get there and work on the dogs. L wondered how generous a tip Light must've given her. He also wondered how often he procured her services. He'd have to ask since the responsibility moving forward would be his now.

“Why don't you help  Watari with the dishes, dear?” Sachiko suggested when she noticed how lost poor L looked.

He nodded and headed into the kitchen.  Watari silently handed him a rag to dry and put away the clean dishes. The dishwasher was full and running and  Watari decided to blast through the rest by hand and just get it over with. 

“How are you holding up, son?”

“Better now that reinforcements have arrived,” L replied with a weak smile.

“You know we respect your privacy, but if you'd like Sachiko or I to stay, we can ,”  Watari offered, “I've also arranged for a house keeper to come once weekly and a yard service to do the same. They'll be paid automatically out of your credit card. I've set everything up.”

“Thank you,  Watari ,” L sighed, trembling as he dried the dishes. He moved on to the dishwasher once it beeped its end of cycle, silent tears escaping his cheeks as he emptied it.  It couldn't be helped. L couldn't compartmentalize anymore and his walls were cracking, letting the overpowering emotion through.  Watari continued to work beside L, noticing his desperate state, but not interfering. 

Soon enough the groomer arrived to take the dogs and with them out of the way,  Sayu vacuumed while Near moved furniture around. They made quite the team and L had a brief moment of joy and stifled a small laugh as he noticed how desperately in love with  Sayu his little brother was. She was too good for him, L thought.  _ Just like Light’s too good for me.  _

The sun began to set and two very dirty, sweaty men rolled back into the house. L directed them to the nearest bathroom to bathe and offered some clean clothing.  Mello was closer to his size but Matt was bigger, more Light’s size.  Before handing the clothing over, L breathed it in. It smelled like _ him.  _ It comforted L to know Light would be home tomorrow, and he smiled as he set the clothing out in the guest bedroom.

Sachiko helped strip and remake L and Light's bed. It took several hours, but the house was really coming together.  Sachiko offered to make everybody dinner and  Watari offered his assistance in the kitchen. L tossed Matt and Mello each a beer, offering a cheers to their successful day cleaning.  Sayu and Near settled for soda.

It had been too long since L had felt this surrounded by love. He allowed himself to thoroughly enjoy the feeling and laughed along with the stories and jokes being shared. There had been enough time spent on sadness and now he would allow this one indulgence.

His family left all too soon, leaving him with his clean dogs and sterilized house that echoed back the sorrow in his heart.  Exhaustion hit him and he climbed into bed, a dog curled against him on each side.  Tonight L's fresh pillow case would soak up his tears as he cried himself to sleep.


	4. Timothy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light comes home and what starts out as a romantic evening quickly devolves into heart breaking conversations about their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this story so far. I have really loved writing it and would love to know what you think!

It was exciting, being able to bring his husband home. L had leapt out of bed that morning and raced to the hospital in anticipation. Light seemed excited too.  Discharge didn't take long, and soon they were holding hands on the drive home. 

Light was impressed with how clean the house was and L admitted to all the help he'd received.  Light just laughed. The dogs nearly toppled Light over in their excitement, and L chastised and chased them into their kennel. Cautiously and with L behind him, they made their way upstairs to their bedroom. Light was determined to shower and get the stench of hospital off him before lying down. This was the most activity he'd had in two weeks and it really took it out of him.

Feeling refreshed, Light snuggled down into their comfortable bed, and L climbed in beside him. He had ached every night to be next to Light in their bed again, and he was finally there. L pulled their naked bodies close, skin touching skin everywhere it possibly could. He lined Light’s neck and shoulder with kisses,  finding a comfortable crook to rest his face in. 

“I love you,” L mumbled into Light's neck.

“I love you too,” Light turned to him so they were chest to chest and held L against him , fingers tracing L's back . He had been deprived of his husband's touch for far too long.  Light slid his leg between L's and L's eyes widened when he felt his husband's hard appendage rub against him.

“ Are you up for it?” L asked with no expectations. Of course he wanted to have sex with his husband, to feel that closeness again, but he knew there was a good chance their sex life was in the past.

“ I'm not sure, but I want to try,” Light half smiled. He knew between his fatigue and the medication, his erection could just decide to disappear at any moment with no chance of resurrection.

They kissed and L let Light go and sat up, carefully crawling over him to straddle his hips. L laid across  Light’s bony chest and scooped his husband into his arms, holding him beneath his shoulders. He kissed those beautiful lips as he gingerly rocked his body across Light's,  their erections rubbing together.  A moan escaped Light and L swallowed it up with his mouth as he pressed down a little more with each slow pass of his hips.  Precome smoothed the friction between them as L slowed his rocking.

“Are you up for more?” L asked as he pulled away, Light’s face red and swollen from kisses and bites. It brought a healthy color back to Light's ashen skin.

Light nodded in response and L smiled sweetly, brushing sweat matted hair from his lovers face. Light wasn't up for working hard tonight, and L knew that. Gingerly, L climbed off his husband, acutely aware of his frailness. After finding the lube in their nightstand, L sat at the foot of the bed and pushed Light’s bent knees apart. Gently, he began prepping and stretching his husband. He paid close attention to his facial expression and whether his body relaxed into it. He didn't want Light to experience any discomfort. L stroked Light with his free hand, encouraging further relaxation. The moans coming from Light were a strong indication he was on the right path.

Light spread his legs for L and pushed himself down on L's  fingers, his excitement and anticipation building. L added one more coat of lube inside his husband before slicking himself up and lining his body with Light’s. He pushed in slowly, just the tip, as he wrapped his arms around Light's thighs and held him in position.  He teased Light’s entrance a little, bouncing in and out a bit as he lifted and parted Light’s legs more so he could see himself slipping in and out of his husband.

“God, this is hot, Light,” L hissed through gritted teeth as he pushed deeper.

“A h, yes L,” Light said as he clenched his eyes shut and pressed his head back into the pillow. Fists full of sheets, Light arched his back and gasped as L began to plunder him, striking his prostate over and over again.  Light clenched and unclenched the bed sheets beneath him weakly , his fingers stiff and trembling.  It didn't matter that he had no strength anymore, or that his back ached. What mattered is how L took care of him, cradled him, loved him.

Maybe it was the medication, but Light came relatively quickly. It was better than losing his arousal, he thought. L leaned over his sticky stomach and kissed Light's mouth as he ravaged him. Letting go of Light's thighs, he cradled his husband once more, fingering his hair as they kissed over and over. L couldn't get enough as he pounded out a rhythm inside Light, his husband's tight, hot body a piece of heaven  known only to him. 

L considered for a moment how they'd only known sex with each other. To him, there was nothing greater because there was nothing to compare it to. Surely Light felt the same. As he thought of that first time, he felt his climax growing, and couldn't help but repeat Light’s name over and over. He remembered their hesitation with each other which quickly gave way to their desperate need for one another. Neither had any clue what they were doing; they just wanted a closeness so unreasonable that it was impossible not to achieve. 

That first night,  Light had nervously entered his body, terrified of hurting L. He'd kept asking if everything was alright, and they squeezed each other's hands and never broke their gaze as Light slowly pushed inside. Back then, they didn't know how to properly prepare. They lacked finesse and knowledge. It was a guessing game  and because of that pain mixed intensely with the pleasure but L didn't want to stop.  He cried and Light wiped at his tears as he began to feel emotional too.  L thumbed away the tears as the y slid down Light's face, and Light pressed his face into L's palm.

“I love you,”  Light had confessed for the first time.

Both L's hands were entangled in Light's hair as he said it, his watery amber eyes full of love and want.  He knew Light meant it. Knew it was the truth. In that moment the pain stopped and all L felt was glorious pleasure as Light slowly rocked their bodies toward completion.

As L now looked down into those same beautiful amber eyes, he felt overcome with emotion at the memory . “Why are you crying?” Light asked, wiping L's tears.

“Because I love you,” L whispered as he rested his face in Light's hand, bracing momentarily as he finally came inside his husband. L held Light and buried his face in his neck as he fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably. 

“ Sh , baby, it’s alright,” Light said as he stroked black locks, “I love you too. I'll always Love you.”

L sobbed without reprieve for several long minutes. He had held it together in front of Light for as long as he possibly could.  But no more. His loud cries slowly became quiet sniffles and he rolled off Light and walked to the bathroom to blow his nose and get a towel to clean Light up.  Light’s heart felt so shattered at the breakdown his husband had. There was nothing he could do. Nothing _ to _ do. L just had to let these feelings out.

When L came back they cleaned up their mess and snuggled back together again. L's eyes were dry as he mumbled, “Cancer fucking sucks.”

Light couldn't help but laugh, “Yes, it does.” Light stroked L's face and kissed him sweetly as he considered how the thing that would bring him down would be something he never considered.  He always thought L would break him. Hell, in many ways he had. L made no demands of Light, but Light knew if he didn't give up being Kira he would die before he could see their relationship develop to its full potential. He got to live longer than he thought he would, but the joke was still on him. 

“L, I'm worried about you,” Light finally confessed , staring up at the ceiling as he stroked L's naked back tenderly with just his fingertips.

L sighed heavily and lifted large grey eyes to Light, “I'm worried too .”

L was trailing his fingers across Light's chest when Light grasped his hand gently. Turning his  face to kiss L's forehead, he breathed in his scent of sweat mixed with something sweet.  L always smelled so good to him. He breathed, “I want you to promise me you'll lean on  Watari and your brothers when I'm gone.  I want you to sell the house and move back to England and heal. You cannot be alone, L.”

L propped himself up on his elbows, not necessarily feeling defiant, but dismayed. “I  love this house. We made so many memories here . I don't want to leave.”

Light sighed. L always had to be so difficult. Stroking L's hair,  he said, “You'll not feel the same way when I die, L.  You’re going to feel haunted by those memories. Please do this for me.  I don't want you going down the same dark road as before…”

L hung his head. He didn't like to think about their son. L blamed himself, and as the horrors flooded back to him,  L sat up in his familiar crouch and  held his knees tight to his chest as he planted his face in his knees.  _ I'm losing everything _ _ , _ he thought.

Light sat up and reached for him but L knocked his hand away, jumped off the bed, and slinked out the door without a word.  Light sighed and stood on wobbly legs, searching for his pajama pants.  He knew where L was heading and it broke his heart all over again.

Slowly and with more effort than it should've taken, Light made his way up the large wooden staircase and to the West side of their large, dark home. He passed l a r ge portraits ha ng ing on the walls that he hadn’t so much as glanced at in months. Neither he nor L  ever came to this side of the house. Light hadn't even so much as dusted the rooms on this end. It was just too painful.

He pushed open the door with the wooden plaque that said “Timothy's room” on it with a creak. There was L, lying on the bed facing the wall, arms and legs curled around a stuffed bunny. With the pain in his chest building, Light shuffled over to the bed and climbed in behind his husband, holding him tight. They both cried softly as Light buried his face in L's hair. 

L turned in Light's arms, “It still smells like him.”

Light felt the familiar burn in his nose and behind his eyes of welling tears and wiped his face, “ He was just like you. So smart, so inquisitive.  Beautiful.”

L pressed his face into the bunny and choked out a muffled sob, “ Everything is being taken from me!”

Light squeezed him tighter, “I know. I'm sorry.”

“This is punishment for being a terrible father,” L said as he pulled away from the stuffed animal.

Light grabbed L by the shoulders and shook him, “Don't you ever say that again!  You were a great father to our son. And you're a good husband to me. You'll get through this, L.”

L searched Light’s eyes and wondered how it was he found such inner strength there. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, reaching up to touch Light’s perfect face.

Light smiled crookedly, “ You'll find somebody new,” L began to protest but Light quieted him, “Listen to me. You will. You will find love again, and you'll have the chance to start over. You're young, L.  You'll start a new family one day. I hope you have a little girl. She would wrap you around her little finger so fast and nothing would stop it.”

L smiled, a breath escaping him, “ How come we never tried again Light?”

He shrugged, “I think it was too hard for us.  Those scars run deep. And honestly, I was afraid. I almost lost you after Timothy died and I couldn't go through that again.”

“But I really am losing you,”

“I know,” Light kissed L, “it's incredibly unfair.” For a moment all was still, nothing between them except the quiet humming of the air conditioning, “You know what my favorite memories of Timothy are?”

L looked up into fiery eyes, “What?”

A small smile crossed Light’s face and he laughed, “Whenever he had a hard night sleeping and I found you two cuddled together on the couch, him drooling on your chest and you drooling on the couch. Those were precious moments to me.”

L remembered those times fondly. He knew what it was like to struggle with sleep, and he knew just how to soothe their son. Timothy often had nightmares, and L was the only one who could make him feel safe again. Light tried, of course, but only L held the magic touch. “My favorite is when I woke up one morning and couldn't find either of you. Turned out you two were in the garden, learning about butterflies. For some reason a whole swarm of them had come over our garden and were all over our bushes. You had planted them hoping to attract butterflies and you were certainly successful.” L reminisced seeing their toddler son holding hands with Light as he stooped down to show him a single butterfly which had landed on his finger. Timothy was obsessed at first sight, and took to drawing endless pictures of butterflies after that day. L had gotten him an educational picture book all about the winged insects and Timothy must've read it a hundred times. He even fell asleep with it, its pages beginning to wear with love.

Their young sons love of butterflies is what led Light and L to get matching butterfly tattoos in memory of him.  They both opted for the same location, right over their heart. The wings were a swirl of green and blue, his favorite colors.  Light traced L's tattoo with his fingers as he sighed over the precious memories. If he weren’t dying he would definitely be asking L if they could try again.  He had always wanted a large family, and while surrogacy got them their first child, Light wanted to adopt as well. Light would've given anything to be a father again. It was so bitter how life sometimes turned out.

Eventually sleep overcame them both, and they snuggled against each other among the many stuffed animals and untouched toys.  They both dreamed bittersweet  rememberings of a child's laughter and a time in their life when things were simpler and nothing but pure joy.


	5. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L reflects on the tragedy that is he and Light's life together. This chapter is short, but I plan to make up for it with an additional chapter today :D

Morning came all too soon to wake them . Beams of light dared stream through the window, dancing along their still naked and entwined bodies. L awoke with a start,  suddenly gripped with terror that perhaps Light had died sometime in the night.  But his steady breathing assured L that he was still very much alive. 

Unable to relax due to the startle, L got up and gingerly  pulled himself away from Light, trying not to wake him. Successful, L made his way to the kitchen to start the coffee.  He felt less mournful this morning.  Perhaps getting all his feelings out had helped. He was pretty sure the sex was a contributing factor as well. 

L pulled a robe from their bathroom and walked outside with his cup and the dogs. Making his way to the bench, he felt a complicated twinge of emotion twisting in his chest. Happiness for all the memories they'd made. Sadness for knowing they would soon stop, and that one day L would be alone on that bench perpetually. Perhaps he could get the grounds keeper at  Wammy’s to replicate this bench once he moved back. He had resigned himself to his husband’s wishes, but he would take this memory with him.

“There you are,” the silky, young voice he loved so much carried over as Light appeared on the pathway, white robe around him and coffee mug in hand.

L just smiled sweetly at him, scooting over so Light could sit.  “I'll do it,” he said, staring at the grass beneath his swinging feet.

Light looked at him curiously, “Do what?”

“Move back home. Sell this place,” he sighed as he dragged his toes through the grass, “it's too much.  You were right.”

Light just exhaled into his cup and placed an arm around L. “I bet we can find a good family to move in and take care of the place. Someone who will love it like we do.”

“Yeah,” L leaned on Light's shoulder, and while he felt the emotion bubbling up again, he did not cry. Instead he imagined Timothy running across the grass, trying to catch butterflies, laughing as he went. He imagined they h a d other children too, twins perhaps, who were always getting into trouble. He envisioned them happy in a simple life full of love. He ignored the impending doom he felt upon his heart, that with each beat told him he would be alone. No, he thought. He would never be alone.  Light would be there until the end, and even after that he would still have his memories. Moments like this one where they sat hand in hand on a perfect spring morning, softly rocking, nothing but their love between them.

Soon enough they both needed refills and made their way back inside. Light fed the dogs while L got them more coffee, and they stood at their kitchen window and kissed.  The dogs barked at their shameless PDA, upset most likely for not being included. L yelled at them to hush as he grabbed a handful of Light’s ass, to which Clarence got even more upset and Sampson playfully attacked him over it . Light simply laughed at the spectacle and continued with his arms around L's waist, undeterred.

“I love you,” he whispered to L as his lips brushed over L's jaw and neck.

Through hooded eyes and a voice full of lust, “I love you too.”

For a moment, the sadness between them was forgotten. The illness forgotten. The fact that Light was sick and not getting better was lifted from their present minds as they clung to each other,  desperate in their passion. They'd been together nearly  eight years if you counted the original investigation and when they’d first met. They always joked that it was their awkward and unofficial courtship.  It didn't take long for Light to have L under his spell, but he didn't expect the awkward detective to have a spell of his own. And when the cuffs came out, well, they were both goners.

L eventually weaseled he and Light’s way out of the Kira investigation, finding scapegoats through Misa and the Yotsuba group. Shortly after, they were married in secret, only their families in attendance, under one of the ancient trees in the gardens at Wammy's. Light had been the one to bring marriage up to L. It honestly never occurred to L to get married. But Light wanted to lock down what he found with L forever, and honestly, he'd always wanted to get married and have a family, as nontraditional as they were. They'd honeymooned in France and it was the stuff of dreams. Once they were back home, they jumped right back into their careers as well as head long into starting their family. Light was only 21 when their son was born, but he was more than ready to be a father. It was the happiest time of his life and it lasted roughly 4 more years before their world shattered entirely. They had spent the last year grieving and healing from the loss of their son. Neither felt capable of taking on a case and so they took a year long sabbatical. It nearly tore them apart. For a while, Light couldn't look at L without seeing their sons big silver eyes. Just as they started healing, bringing a close to the roughest chapter of their short lives, they were hit once again with Light’s diagnosis. L wasn't sure he would survive it. Sometimes he still wondered if he'd die when Light did.

“Hey, be present with me,” Light whispered, softly grabbing L's shoulders and giving them a squeeze.

L was pulled from his thoughts, “Sorry,” he smiled sadly.  “What do you want to do today?”

Light lifted both arms in a long stretch and yawned, “I think I want a nap. Then maybe we can eat junk food and binge watch movies,” he smiled.

L kissed him quickly with a nod, “That sounds great.”

L watched Light make his way slowly back up the stairs and wondered how long before he couldn't climb stairs anymore. He wondered how long before he was bed ridden and hospice nurses were in and out of their house, invading his precious privacy. How long before…he shook his head of those thoughts. What counted was this moment, right now. They had today and that was all that mattered. At least with Light, L knew it was coming. He wouldn't be blindsided like with Timothy. He knew he wouldn't find his lifeless body afloat face down in the pool. There would be no frantic, horrified screaming. No sirens, no police. No endless nightmares for months after. There was some solace in that.   



	6. Surgery and Chores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is a struggle for poor L as he continues to adjust to the extreme role reversal between he and Light

Light’s surgery date came up fast, and in preparation, he had L shave his head completely.  L must've asked at least a dozen times if he was sure. Light simply nodded. He didn't want just part of his head shaved where they would cut open his skull. No, that would look stupid. He wanted it all gone.  Hopefully it would grow back if the chemo pro ved merciful at all. 

L paced the waiting room, trembling hand holding terrible hospital coffee while he chewed the nails of his other hand bloody. Finally,  Watari showed up followed by Sachiko.  Sayu was still in school and would arrive afterward.  Souichiro was able to leave work early, and soon enough Mello, Matt and Near followed suit.  Surrounded by plenty of support and far better coffee, L was able to breathe a little.

Watari grabbed L's now bandaged hand and squeezed.  A kind nurse had offered to wrap his bleeding nail beds and he gladly took her up on the offer. It felt strange now,  feeling  Watari's grip with an artificial numbness.  The move to grab hi m had been sudden and L looked down at their joined  hands then to  Watari's face, then to where he was staring .  It didn't take him long to figure it out. A doctor came through the double doors that led to where Light was and looked over at the party awaiting news. He looked tired but otherwise his expression remained unreadable.

Fear gripped L hard and fast, and if it could've slammed him to the ground, it would have. He was thankful for Watari's grip on him in that moment, and he felt another hand grip his shoulder. Souichiro. Sachiko found herself absently patting L's knee. They were all in this together, bonded by the same fear.

“ Mr.  Lawliet-Yagami ?” the voice was softer than he anticipated, friendlier.

L hoped this doctors voice wasn’t conveying sympathy. He gulped, “Yes, that's me.”

A smile, “ Your husband is in recovery. All went well.  He's asking for you .”

A collective sigh of relief passed through the entire family and L couldn't help the hot tears flooding behind his eyes. As he stood, Watari let his hand go softly, nodding to him to go on as their eyes met. The doctor nodded quietly and L followed him through the corridor to a large room full of bays separated by thin sheets hanging by steel rods and not looking sturdy at all.

Light had been crying, overwhelmed by the procedure and drugs running through his system as well as pain. He smiled through his bloodshot eyes as L entered, and they both seemed relieved to be in each other's company once again.  Taking a seat on the small bed next to Light, L squeezed his hand gently and smiled, “The doctor said you did well. We’ll be able to go home soon.”

Light would mostly sleep when he was finally released, and L did his best to care for Light, though he felt extremely inadequate. Thankfully Light wasn't one to really complain, and smiled through his frozen meals and  pbj sandwiches. L apologized often for his failures, wondering if he should bite the bullet and hire a personal chef or one of those delivery services. 

After about a week, Light was up and moving about with relative ease, attempting to strike some semblance of a routine. He was scrubbing dishes, smiling as he watched L dry them out of the corner of his eye . “I start chemo next week.”

L sighed, overrun with dread, “I know.”

“ How do you feel about it?”

L  looked up at his husband quizzically. Why was Light asking how _ he _ felt? Shouldn't he be asking Light that question? “I'm afraid.”

Light half smiled and leaned over to kiss L's forehead. “Don’t be,” he assured, “ It’s going to help me.”

“I hope you're right,” L closed his eyes and savored the sweet kiss. They both knew the treatment would make Light sick, and that there was a chance it wouldn't work, and that even if it did there were no guarantees, and that no matter what Light was dying at the end of it all anyway. It felt a little hopeless to L.  Pointless . Why bother? 

But it wasn't pointless. Not really. L knew that without surgery Light would've only lived a few more weeks. Without chemo, months.  This plan had the hope of giving them _ years _ together. L just hoped it was worth it. He looked at Light and his heart skipped a beat as he took in his beautiful husband. Yes, Light was worth it. He always would be.

“What?” Light laughed the question as he  ret urned L's  penetrating stare,  finished with the dishes and drying his hands.

“I'll never get over you, that's all,” L smiled without breaking his stare.

“ I s that so?” Light pulled him into his chest and kissed L's  unready lips with such strong desire that it seemed to wash over them both.  L nearly dropped his last plate at the suddenness of it, scrambling to find a place on the counter for it without breaking the kiss. Once he had, both hands wrapped behind Light’s shaved head, the feeling still somewhat foreign to him.

The two melted onto the kitchen floor, shedding their clothes as they went. It wouldn't be the first time they had each other on the kitchen floor, and both hoped it wasn't the last.  Light grabbed L's shoulder’s and pushed him back onto the hard woods. A surprised look flashed across L's face. “Are you sure?”

Light nodded  as he spread his husband’s legs and  dipped that shaved head between them. L moaned loudly, wishing he could grip Light’s hair as he sucked his balls and licked him everywhere between. L bent his knees and curled his toes, consumed by the hot dizziness he felt flush over his entire body. 

Suddenly Light sat up and straddled L, a small smirk on his face as he shimmied up L's naked torso.  Gently reaching behind his head to give it a little lift, he said, “Get it good and wet, L.” 

Immediately L swallowed his entire length, allowing his saliva to coat it thickly as drool seeped down the base. Light pulled away and shimmied back down, placing himself at the base of L, lifting his hips. He'd already stretched L with his saliva soaked fingers, and readied himself at L's entrance. L took a deep breath, knowing that this wouldn't be as good without real lube. It would still hurt. But he wanted it. He wanted it desperately. 

Light sank in  slowly with a gasp and L winced but tried to relax.  Light stilled, reading L's tense body language. “ M aybe we shouldn’t.”

“Like hell!” L threw his legs around Light's waist and pulled him deeper, letting out a strangled cry of both pleasure and pain. The two sensations mixed effortlessly and L knew he couldn't stop. Head thrown back and sweat beading on his forehead, eyes closed, he whispered, “Don't stop.”

Light began to sweat as well, his effort to maintain a slow and steady rhythm  draining what little energy he had. L reached up for a kiss and could feel Light’s body trembling beneath his touch. “Baby,” he breathed,  pressing his forehead to Light’s. “Lie back. Let me ride you.”

Light swallowed his pride and pulled out of L, rocking back onto the welcoming cold floor.  L wasted no time climbing over Light's frail frame and impaling himself. “I love you,” he whispered as he splayed white fingers across Light's chest and began bouncing gently on his husband's cock.

“I love you too,”  Light said,  too exhausted to help, to thrust his hips upward like he once could. He was simply too weak. He knew he wouldn’t get any stronger either. This was it. This was the best he could do and it made him feel embarrassed.

“What’s wrong?” L slowed his pace,  concerned he was hurting Light.

“Nothing, babe.”

“You should know by now you can't lie to me,” L said,  continuing to rock but feeling Light becoming flaccid beneath him.

“I'm not going to come,” Light said as he laid his head back and rubbed his eyes.

“Oh no,” L dismounted and took his husband in hand, “We’re losing little Light. Should I breathe life back into him?” L looked over at Light with big grey eyes as he leaned over and very literally blew on his  husband's retreating penis.

Light laughed as he peered down at L's antics, “ I'm afraid he's not coming back,” Light said as he pulled L's hand off him.

“I'm sorry baby,” L pouted.

Light pulled L down next to him on the floor and kissed his face, “You still need to get off.”

“I'll worry about it later. You look like you need to sleep.”

Light nodded in agreement and allowed L to help him off the floor. They held each other a moment before L gathered their clothes and followed Light up the stairs. He would lay down with Light for a little while, just until he was asleep.  It didn't take long for Light to give in to the sweet comfort of their bed and L's arms wrapped tenderly around him.

Once he was snoring softly, L pecked his cheek with a kiss, pulled on a robe, and headed downstairs. He made it to the couch and pulled his laptop onto his knees before melting into a puddle of tears.  It wouldn't have bothered him, having a single off day, if Light weren't sick. But this was a signal of his decline. A notch in the timeline making its way to Light’s death date. L momentarily wished he had  Shinigammi eyes so he could know, but he changed his mind quickly. Knowing wouldn't help. It wouldn't change anything. It would just fill him with dread as he counted down the days.

L wiped his eyes and booted up his laptop. He’d stumbled upon an  online support group for people in situations like his a few weeks ago . Either they'd just lost their spouse or their spouse was dying.  At first his curiosity drew him in, but the support he found made him stay. He posted in the forums about what had just happened and how shattered his heart was. He knew Light wouldn't appreciate their sex life going on online display, but L needed this outlet. 

There were a few stupid comments telling him to fuck  other people, but he ignored those. The rest of the thread was positive, with many people saying not to give up hope, that one bad day doesn't mean they'll all be bad.  A few suggested talking to their doctor about medication, and L thought he might bring that up to Light and see. Couldn't hurt to ask. 

His laptop closed with a soft click and he looked around the house, feeling much better. The dogs had managed to snuggle around him, seemingly always knowing when he needed cheering up.  Spotting the coffee maker, L thought to brew a pot and catch up on chores before Light woke up again. He knew that would make his husband happy.

L pushed the dogs off of him and headed to the laundry room. Light had hung a dry erase board in there with daily, weekly, and monthly chores in different colors to help L . He decided to dust  and vacuum, eyeing his idiot dogs and wondering if he could just shut them outside for that bit. 

L threw a pile of sorted laundry into the wash and started it the way Light had shown him.  He then grabbed the little duster and began working clockwise in each room, also something Light showed him.  Clarence was already sitting by the vacuum excitedly, but L just shook his head at the stupid dog.

About halfway through dusting the kitchen he stopped to pour himself a cup of coffee and glance about the house. It was a lot to take care of.  He sipped the life giving brew and went back to dusting, thankful for Light’s organizational skills. He wouldn't have known where the hell to start without him. 

L wiped down the countertops and end tables as well. It was time for the dogs to go out. What L hadn't predicted was that Clarence would jump on and scratch the door, howling incessantly the moment the vacuum came on. L opened the door to chastise the dog, who barreled through him and lunged for the offending cleaning equipment.

“You horrid fucking animal!” L shouted as he pried the dog off the machine. Clarence yelped and then attacked Sampson, thinking he was the one who so offended him.  The dogs began to play fight loudly as L yelled at them in frustration. It didn't take long for him to realize Light was standing on the bottom step, wrapped in a robe, looking entirely too sleep deprived.

L stopped and placed a finger to his mouth, “Sorry.”

Light just laughed, “Would you like help?”

L didn't want to ask Light for help. Light looked simply exhausted. He wanted to be able to take care of things himself, like an actual adult.  “Yes.”


	7. Chemo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light starts treatment.

It was the morning of Light’s first chemo appointment and L was a bundle of nerves. Light seemed stoic as ever, as though the prospect didn't bother him a bit. But L knew better. L knew Light put on his game face when things were challenging and pushed through like the champ he was. L admired that about his husband.  It seemed he possessed many qualities L lacked and therefore greatly appreciated.

With a smile, “You've gained weight,” L said as he admired his husband's naked backside  while he combed his hairin the bathroom mirror.

“Are you calling me fat?”

L was caught off guard by the joke and overreacted in his stumbling attempt to reframe his previous statement.

Light simply laughed, “Babe I'm kidding. And it's all the sugar you've been feeding me.”

“You accuse me of such atrocities,” L said, smiling through a finger pressed against his lip. He'd stepped into the bathroom, his admiration needing escalation , so he grabbed a handful of that wonderful ass.

Light gave L a look through his reflection in the bathroom mirror, “ Does it make you feel better?”

“Yes,” L said as he kneaded the soft flesh, “ Your ass is like my own personal stress ball.”

Light burst into laughter, “ Then by all means,  squeeze away.”

After a stress relieving chuckle, L gave the back of Light’s bare shoulder a kiss and left him to finish getting ready.  He tried to put his fears away and be a strong support for Light, but always somehow felt like Light was carrying him. When Light emerged from the bedroom to find L in the kitchen,  L couldn't help but think Light would look well put together no matter what he wore. His ensemble consisted of an older t - shirt and jeans, but it fit well and still looked nice. 

“Did you remember to take the anti nausea medication?” L asked as they piled into the car.

“Yes.  Did you bring-  nevermind . Of course you did,” Light laughed as L pulled a fistful of hard candies from his pockets.  They were advised to have something to suck on to help with the potential nausea.  Light silently hoped he didn't get sick but knew the possibility was strong.

L smiled as he lugged the large bag into his lap, “I brought house slippers,  your laptop, candy, a blanket, barf bags…” L listed off his arsenal as Light drove. When L finally looked up, his husband was staring at him. “What?”

“That’s just very sweet of you is all,” Light said as he took one hand off the steering wheel to hold L's hand.  “The world’s greatest detective is always prepared.”

“Former,” L corrected.

“What? Since when?”

“Since my life became derailed and I realized I can't go back to it. ”

“But you love being a detective,” Light couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“I did, yeah. But I won’t be able to go back. Not without you.” L was looking down as he said it, slowly stroking Light’s hand with his thumb.

“I understand,” Light said softly, “ But I don't want you to say no forever. You might change your mind one day.”

L was silent as he took in his husband's words of wisdom. He was usually right about these sorts of things.  Besides, he'd need something to pass the time once Light was gone.  He couldn't sit around doing nothing day in and day out, that would drive him mad. “ Maybe I won't resign. Maybe I'll keep going and donate every fee I charge to cancer research so one day there will be a cure and nobody has to suffer like this again.”

Light squeezed L's hand. It was a sweet idea. 

The first chemo appointment went about as well as expected. Light was suddenly extra thankful for the blanket and house slippers, candy and computer. He and L read up on the latest news head lines.  It was the anniversary of the official closing of the Kira investigation, and the Times did a special report on it, featuring a timeline of Kira's most infamous kills.

“It's almost like they're celebrating you,” L whispered, leaning over in his chair so he could read along.

“ About time somebody praised their God,” Light grinned as L shoved him.

“You’re still a smug bastard, Light,” L said.

“And you're a fool who fell into my trap.”

L shrugged, “I'm ok with that.”

Light turned to L then,  genuinely curious, “Do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?  Not turning you in and instead committing multiple felonies fabricating a half true case so you wouldn't be executed because I couldn't live without you? ” L locked eyes with Light, “Not for a single second. ”

Light smiled but it faded as he began to feel unwell. He’d hoped to be one of the lucky few who didn't develop nausea. Hopefully he could stave off puking . L squeezed his free hand, a worried look on his face. His biggest fear was Light reacting strongly to treatment and them having to stop.  Stoic Light put on a good face, but L knew he felt like shit.

The ride home was quiet, and Light finally drifted off to sleep as they grew closer to home. L didn’t like driving; Light always did it. But L was getting used to having to do things he didn’t necessarily like doing.

“Wake up baby, we’re here,” L said as he gently rocked Light’s shoulder.

Light woke with a start and wiped the drool from his face, feeling a bit disoriented at first. He looked around to get his bearings as he pulled himself upright in his seat. Sleep never sounded so good to him in that moment. L came around and got the door for him, wanting to be there if Light got sick on his feet or dizzy or anything. He wasn't sure exactly what to expect after treatment, but figured the next 24 hours would be very telling.

L escorted him inside and instructed the dogs to sit and wait. He was afraid of them jumping on Light. Slowly they made their way upstairs and it didn't take long for Light to fall asleep.  L left him alone to feed the dogs and could hear Light  retching from the kitchen. He went back upstairs to check on him and found him pathetically holding onto the toilet,  strung out on the tile floor.

“ You know, it used to be me doing this , but for a very different reason,” L joked.

Light wanted to smile but couldn't. Dry heaving took over and he was back to face down in the toilet.  L knelt by him and rubbed his back. “Can I get you anything?”

“Water,” Light managed. 

L was quick to comply, wishing he could do more for his husband . He sat on the floor next to Light, only able to keep him company.  It didn't take long for the nausea to subside and for Light to sit up, “ Are you tempted to drink again with everything going on?”

L grabbed his knees as he shook his head, “ So far, no. I sometimes wonder if the medication is helping with that. ”

“Good,” Light said as he stood on wobbly legs. L stepped over to help him up.  He continued as L helped him over to the sink, “ Promise me you'll stay sober after I'm gone, L. ”

“I'm going to have to start writing all these promises I'm supposed to keep down so I don't forget,” L smiled.

Light was busy brushing his teeth so he just rolled his eyes at L. After he rinsed, “I'm serious,  L.”

L wrapped his arms around Light from behind and kissed his cheek, “I am too.  I promised to sell the house, not drink,  and apparently move on and get remarried.”

Light raised an eyebrow,  “You’re actually going to get remarried? You ?”

L scrunched his face, feigning outrage, “Hell no! Being married is overwhelming as hell! And annoying! I'm going to become a hermit.”

Light had turned around in L's arms by this time, an amused sparkle in his gold flecked eyes.  “Alone with your sweets and your mysteries, eh?”

“That’s how my life was before you. I don't see why it can't go back to that. You won't be there to make me eat vegetables, so ha!” L  was beside himself with humor as he watched Light laugh.  Neither were sure when their relationship passed such a threshold  as to be able to joke about Light’s impending passing, but they knew there was no going back. Perhaps healthier couples would cry and grieve more. And sure, they both knew there would be plenty of moments that were anything but funny. But for right now, in this bittersweet moment, they laughed. They held each other and kissed and made a mockery of death. They were  the greatest detective and God of this world; they didn't fear death , no; they conquered it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ho! Drop a comment if you're still with me. Let me know how you feel about it as well and if you think it's going to go as expected or if by some miracle we save Light. I want to know your thoughts and feelings!


	8. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L get ok news from the doctor. Light tries to do too much, much to L's frustration. Sex actually happens, which is a big deal for them, so yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an extra long chapter because it just didn't feel right to cut it off anywhere else. Enjoy!

As colder weather rang in, L noticed, but didn’t say anything about how weak and tired Light seemed. It was time for a follow up with the oncologist today. No matter how many layers Light wrapped himself in, he couldn’t get warm enough. L kissed Light's nose as he tucked his red checkered scarf into his coat. Dying of cancer and yet always so stylish, L thought. “I must say, I do like you in a hat.”

“Thanks,” Light smiled back, but the fire was gone. L tried not to show that it bothered him. 

A gust of wind hit them as they stepped outside, the last of the leaves c ling ing to their branches hurtling across the drive way. L noticed Light’s fingers felt particularly cold as they walked to the car.  L had a pillow and blanket ready for Light, some hot tea in a travel mug too.

“You know you're too much, don't you?” Light asked tiredly as he climbed in and made himself comfortable.

L simply smiled as he shut the door. While walking around to his side of the car, he couldn't help but think that Light was just like those dead leaves still clinging to their branches. He still held onto life. Eventually a big gust would blow him away, L thought, closing his eyes to the impending winter and pushing the strong desire to sob down. He didn't think they would be getting good news today.

As predicted, Light began softly snoring about five minutes into their nearly hour drive to the hospital. Occasionally, L stole a glance over at Light to check his breathing and make sure he was still with him. He'd been growing more and more concerned about him lately. Sleep evaded him more than it usually did as any time he fell asleep he'd inevitably have a nightmare that Light died. 

The hospital looked huge and daunting; bigger than either of them remembered somehow. Somehow knowing he was there, Light woke up as soon as L parked.  Giving each other one last anxious glance, they swallowed hard and exited the car. Whatever news they were given today didn't matter, they'd agreed. They would make the most of their time together and not dwell on the negative. At least, they would try.

The waiting room was quiet except for the drone of the  tv in the corner. Light sat down as L checked them in. It was all he could do to walk from the elevator to the nearest seat, he felt.  Glad L was there to do the things he couldn't, he smiled in appreciation as L sat next to him. They were one of the first appointments of the day so they wouldn't have to wait long.

It was more hurry up and wait when a nurse retrieved them to take Light’s vitals and weigh him. L tried not to seem shocked at how much weight Light had lost. His husband was a fit 185lbs when they met, and now he stood at a skeletal 147lbs. His BP was quite low and oxygen saturation only 94, but the nurse seemed unruffled. She walked them to the small room to wait for the doctor.

Light sat up on the long table and L spun himself in a chair with wheels.  Laughing, Light tried to get him to behave but it was no use. L was determined to find alternative uses for the tongue depressors by the sink.

The laughter came to an abrupt end when the doctor knocked and entered. Standing, L tossed away his toys and sat quietly next to Light. They held hands and L could feel Light shaking. The oncologist was a balding older man with almost no personality. He wasn't unpleasant, just bland. He grabbed a chair to sit and with his laptop in his lap, got right down to business.

“ Good morning to you both,” he smiled. Addressing Light, “ The weight loss is not good, though it is normal. I want you on a high calorie diet. Eat more donuts,  perhaps,” he chuckled and L lit up but Light didn't seem pleased. Clearing his throat, the oncologist continued,  “You responded ok to the treatment. I understand you reported some nerve damage?”

“Yes, my feet and hands tingle,” Light explained.

“ When we resume treatment we’ll go a different route. Hopefully you won't endure further damage. Right now I want you to focus on gaining weight and-“

“When we resume treatment?”  Light felt discouraged.

“As you know, the cancer had already  metastasized by the time we found it. The treatment did successfully shrink the growths we found  throughout your body , but it isn't gone. The medication you're on will slow its progression so you can have a nice long break from chemo and start feeling better. Then we'll zap it with a stronger round.”  The oncologist explained.

“And after that?” Light sounded disheartened.

“ It all depends on how you respond.”

Light closed his eyes and breathed out. In his current condition he didn't think he would survive another round. Then again, that's why they wanted him to take time off from it,  get stronger. The thing was, Light wasn't sure he could do it again even with a break. 

“Will his immune system improve enough to travel?” L asked. He desperately wanted to whisk Light away to a warmer climate. Somewhere he could sit on a beach and just forget his troubles.

“Oh yes. He should be fine in about a month. I would like to see about starting back in 3 months. Make an appointment at the front desk before you leave please,” the doctor stood, shook their hands, and exited the room.

L smiled brightly at Light, “ You'll start feeling a lot better in a week I bet. The next 3 months are going to be great baby.”

“Yeah,” Light tried to feign some kind of  excitement but failed miserably.

Softer, almost a whisper, “You did great today,” L said, “Let's get you home and in bed.”

Bed never sounded better to Light without having any sexual connotation. As it were, he and L weren't doing anything overtly sexual as of late. Maybe a 3 month recovery would change that. With a defeated sigh, Light reached for L's hand and they exited the doctors office without another word between them.

***

L was right about Light bouncing back quickly. Within a week he was napping less during the day and seemed in higher overall spirits.  After two weeks he was attempting to do projects around the house, but not quite having the stamina to follow through.  Of course, L stepped in and either helped or took over. He'd become quite handy since Light had fallen ill.  He'd learned a lot about caring for another person as well. Who knew they could glean something good from something awful? 

“You have paint all over your face,” Light chuckled from the comfort of the sofa , taking in the scene before him. Somehow L looked as though he might have gotten more paint on himself than the wall.

“Well come look at it!” L huffed, tired and sticky and wishing Light would stop trying to start things he couldn't finish.

Light stood and made his way into the dining room. “Oh wow! It's so nice!” His smile was bright as he looked around. They'd chosen a nice muted blue that wanted to be grey but wasn't. It was perfect.

Light reached out and drew L to him, kissing his paint speckled face, “Go wash up, I'll start dinner.”

L smiled and hurried upstairs. The paint did not want to come off, and his delicate white skin was red everywhere from scrubbing so hard.  Resigning to the fact that this would take several showers, L dried off and threw on fresh clothes before racing downstairs,  famished from the days efforts.

Immediately he felt alarmed as the smell of something burning hit his nose as he reached the kitchen. “Shit!” L said as he ran over, heart in his throat. He cut the burner off and opened a window. Light had only burned pasta. Thankfully it wasn't any worse. He glanced over at his sleeping husband, who’d sat in a chair to wait for the  pasta to boil and fell asleep with his head on the counter.

L sighed as he scraped the pasta into the trash and started boiling a new pot of water. He wasn’t even mad at Light; he figured  he couldn't help it. Perhaps cooking would be something they did together from now on, L thought. There was no need to ban Light from the kitchen entirely, which would only serve to wound his pride and make him feel less independent. That sort of thing wouldn't go over well with a man who once aspired to take over the world. 

Light came to just as L drained and plated the pasta,  completing the dish with red sauce, garlic bread and parmesan. With a soft smile over his shoulder, L said, “Are you hungry, sleepy head?”

It took a moment for his mind to clear as he groggily stood and followed L into the dining room. Once he sat at the table,  he realized the noodles before him were not the ones he'd started.  “Oh  _ shit _ .”

“It's ok, babe. I took care of it. The pasta burned but it wasn't that bad.”

“Guess I can't be trusted in the kitchen anymore,” Light said as he stared at the food before him, not yet ready to take a bite.

“Nonsense,” L said around a mouthful of noodles, “We’ll just cook together from now on, how about that?”

Light smiled at his husband’s sweet compromise. There would be a day when Light couldn't cook at all anymore, and L needed to learn more than the few basic things he knew how to do anyway .  With a compromise being easily reached, Light spun a fork in the pasta and took a big bite.  “I would love to teach you a few things.” Light offered.

“I'm down,” L said, a spot of red sauce on his face leaving him looking like an adorable mess to Light. 

“This  w ay you can show off your mad co ok ing skills when you start dating again,” Light teased.

Rolling his eyes, L sighed, “Oh God, not this again.”

“Not just the world's greatest detective, but also the world’s most eligible bachelor,” Light openly laughed at his joke, laughing all the harder when L mocked him.

“ I should go on a reality show,” L said with a smirk, “Hand out roses and shit.”

“Don't forget to tell them you're gay or you'll wind up with a bunch of women you don't want,” Light chuckled.

“Bi,” L corrected, surprised Light didn't know that.

Light stopped laughing, “Wait, what?”

“I know you didn't find Misa attractive, but if I ignored how much of a fucking moron she was, she was actually almost  fuckable .”

“Gross, L,” Light grimaced. 

“Actually, I know you don't like when I bring her up but Naomi was pretty hot,” L shrugged. Glancing at Light through his bangs, “Not as hot as you, though.”

The compliment was tainted by  the unpleasant memory of Naomi.  Half smiling,  “She was beautiful. And brilliant. Truly one of the good ones.”

“I'm sorry, Light. I shouldn't have brought her up,” L reached across the table and squeezed Light’s hand. 

“It's ok. I just…,” he glanced around the table, reaching for words, “have regrets, you know?”

L nodded, “I do know.” He had plenty of his own. “ Would a little red wine with our pasta lighten the mood? We took such a dark turn. I want to laugh again.” L stood from the table and went to rummage through their wine fridge.

“Sounds great,” Light said as his eyes followed L, “And you can tell me why you hid the fact from me that you're not gay. I'm definitely curious now.”

A laugh escaped L as the cork popped. He pulled two wine glasses down from the bar and poured. “Well,  I guess it just never came up, first of all. I wasn’t trying to hide it from you.”

“Have you been with a woman?”

“Is that a loaded question?”

“ Holy shit, L. That means yes!” Light’s jaw nearly dropped, “I thought I was your first!”

“Calm down, you are.” He handed Light his glass and they tipped the sides to each other before taking the first sip. “I've never had sex with a woman.  At the orphanage there was a girl when I was younger that I liked.  We kissed. It was perfectly innocent.”

Light’s smile brightened at the thought of young L in love for the first time. “Knowing what you're capable of, I would say you didn't stay innocent for long.”

L pretended to be offended, “I'll have you know my corruption is entirely your fault.”

Light shrugged, “I'll take the credit. I don't mind.”

The look on Light’s face made L  swallow hard. He supposed talking about sex would only serve one purpose.  “How are you feeling? Are you up for a little corruption tonight?”

“Maybe,” Light smiled over his glass, “This wine is hitting me fast and I'm pretty turned on. I probably have shit for stamina though.”

“ That's alright. I'm used to  _ hard _ work by now,” L smirked.

Light laughed at his ridiculous husband. Standing, he grabbed their plates and walked them over to the sink to clear them. L's arms snaked around his waist from behind and Light smiled until the loving embrace turned into a clear reach into Light's pants. “You’re going to make me drop the dishes!”

“Good,” L purred from behind, kissing Light’s neck as he stroked his husband to attention . It was exciting to feel Light respond normally to his touch. It wasn't for lack of trying that sex did not occur during treatment. They did try; it just didn't  _ happen.  _

As his pants came undone and fell to the floor, Light reached behind him and fumbled with L's pants, moaning and leaning back into L's kisses.  “Yes,” he groaned, eyes closed and mouth open. Turning to face L,  he pulled his husband hard against his body, needing his warmth.  They both stepped out of their crumpled pants, losing their shirts along the way. 

Not able to get enough of L's mouth, Light pressed both hands to either side of L's face as they kissed, reaching to satiate the most unquenchable thirst.  Breathless and bothered, they parted for a moment, trying to decide exactly _ where _ the act should take place.

“The lube is in the bedroom,” L reminded, hoping it didn't kill the mood too much to take it upstairs.

“Let's go,” Light offered, and L led the way.  Light reasoned that he could comfortably pass out in his filth when they were done and not have to worry about waking up with a crick in his neck.

The bedroom door closed softly behind them, barring the dogs entry. They knew better than to interrupt in any way, anyway.  L reached for a lamp so they didn't have to fumble around in complete darkness while Light rummaged through the nightstand drawer for the lube he knew just_ had_ to be in there. Why weren't they more organized?

In a moment of triumph he lifted it out of the drawer with an, “ah ha!”  To which L just rolled his eyes and  took it from him.

“Lay down before you hurt yourself,” L said as he prepped himself with one of his favorite plugs and plenty of lube.

Light complied, but not without sticking his tongue out at L like a child first .  Ensuing laughter couldn't be helped; in fact, it was encouraged between them. It was one unique thing they always had when they were alone in the dark. Even back during the days long ago when they were investigating Kira ,  they had laughter to help break up the monotony and ease their stress .

L and Light had banged heads during their very first attempt at kissing . Between twisted faces and rubbing their foreheads, they laughed and tried again.  Careful, this time. Successful, this time.  It was sweet and innocent and went no further than lips brushing as they held hands in front of each other on the bed , both too afraid to push further for lack of experience.

Light, thinking L was much older and therefore more experienced, had hoped he would lead the way. L, socially awkward and reclusive, had absolutely no skill set to speak of.  When they finally fessed up to each other, that's when the fun began.  The internet was a good if not sometimes overly thorough teacher, and Amazon offered discreet shipping. 

So when the box of assorted toys and different lubes showed up, Light laughed hysterically when L pulled out a rather large dildo and announced, “It's a lot bigger than I thought it’d be,” with a worried expression on his face. 

And L had his turn laughing when Light turned out to be allergic to the strawberry lube.  It was just too bad they had smeared it all over his dick by the time they realized he had a contact allergy. They spent the next thirty minutes in the shower and on the phone with poison control,  Light frantically screaming, “Am I going to lose my dick!?” to which L replied, “Just your pride, dear.”

Turned out the rash and mild swelling went away with a good cleaning and some Benadryl. Though, the fun would be over for that particular night.  They were thankful they didn't have to go to the Emergency Room. Everybody at HQ  would've wound up hearing about the incident and found them out in the most embarrassing way.

Maybe it was their childish immaturity at play, but  t hey decided it would be fun to see if the  “X- Tendz ” and “Pleasure” pills they sold at the gas station actually did anything.  Roughly an hour after consumption they both had raging hard  ons .  It was just too bad they were both called out on an urgent lead and needed to meet the team _ right after _ taking the pills. Light thought he'd never heard L repeat the word “fuck” so many times in a row before.

Presently, L giggled as Light splayed himself out on the bed dramatically. Crawling over Light's thin, naked, still beautiful to him body , L kissed his lips and began making his way south. Light reached for the plug and moved it in and out of L's body, eliciting a shaky gasp from his lover. 

Hovering over Light's chest, L swiped his tongue over his lovers nipples, the two of them exchanging groans as they pleasured each other.  L tried not to focus on Light’s protruding ribs or sunken in collarbone, but Light noticed him looking.

“ I feel like I look disgusting,” Light finally said.

The abrupt, out of context words jolted L, and he lifted off Light and stared at him. “Baby, don't. You're beautiful.”

“I'm a skeleton ,” Light sighed.

Knowing he couldn't placate his husband with lies, L brushed his fingers over Light's cheek and smiled. In a somewhat silly voice, he said, “Yeah, but you're _ my _ skeleton.” They both laughed and L leaned down to kiss Light softly, “Seriously though,  you are hands down still the single most gorgeous man I've ever seen. You always will be. Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo. It's got nothing on you, ok? ”

Light laughed through fresh tears and L kissed them away, “Now, can we get back to fucking? ”

Light burst into laughter at that last statement and nodded, resuming his slow pumping of the plug as L went back down Light's body with an exploratory tongue. L ight couldn't reach the plug once L came face to face with his cock. He licked it teasingly base to tip,  smiling at the way Light twisted the sheets in his fists. Light whined his name, wanting to push L's mouth down on his throbbing cock and get it over with.

“I think I'm ready,” L said as he reached behind himself and pulled out the plug.  He dripped more lube on Light’s member before crawling over it and sinking down with a gasp.

Light grabbed L's thighs, “Oh shit,” he breathed, eyes closed, “I'm not  gonna last long. ”

“That's ok baby,” L said as he began to bounce and rock on Light’s dick, angling for his prostate. He could feel his own orgasm building quickly, an obvious product of not having  had  sex for a while. “I think I'm  gonna come soon too.”

Digging his nails in L's thighs, Light threw his head back, crying out L's name as his orgasm smashed through him. Seeing Light fall apart beneath him easily sent L over the edge, and he burst  onto Light's stomach. 

L's hip thrusts slowed and L dismounted to go clean up, bringing Light a towel.  In the moment it took to get said towel, Light had fallen asleep. L sighed and cleaned his husband off, who didn't move or wake the entire time. With a smile, L marveled at how soundly he slept. Crawling in bed next to him, L placed his head on Light's chest and fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. He loved that sound ; it soothed him. He knew it would be one of the things he missed the most when Light died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting closer and closer to the inevitable. But don't worry, the boys have some good times up ahead. :D


	9. One Last Hurrah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light's cleared for travel so the boys go to Hawaii! Woohoo! Lot's of fun and fluff in this extra long, slightly ridiculous chapter :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary and I'm super happy to be posting this sweet chapter on such a sweet day. I truly married the right man. :)

As promised, exactly one month into Light's 3 month recovery,  they were packing to go on a tropical vacation.  Light had come alive in the past week alone, and L was all smiles with how satisfied he felt regarding their sex life.  Since they were taking off the first week of November, L looked at the trip as a sort of birthday present to himself. He and Light agreed to celebrate when they arrived at the hotel, Light claiming he had the absolute _ best _ gifts for L to open. 

Light found L's excitement adorable.  He’d booked them a trip to  Honolulu , an island they'd always wanted to visit but never had the opportunity.  Tentatively, L booked them a volcano tour, knowing Light might not have the stamina since it required riding a bike for an extended period of time.  There was horseback riding on the beach too, but L assured him that they didn't have to do anything he didn't feel up to. For all he cared they could lay out on the beach getting wasted. 

As expected, Light slept most of the flight and L sat strangely in his seat, wide eyed and excited as people gave him funny looks.  L brushed Light’s hair from his face and smiled, recalling how it never once seemed to bother Light that he sat awkwardly or held everything between two fingers.  He never said anything about L's lack of personal space or anything. L loved that about Light so much.  He thought fondly back to one of their first outings, back when he first suspected him of being Kira. Light sat them in a booth in the back of the café, away from prying eyes. He didn't try to _ change  _ L, he accommodated him. How could he not fall in love?

Then of course there was that fight Light got into while they were out on a date. A real date. They'd come out to Light’s family by this time. The Kira investigation was wrapping up and they were serious about each other, so it was simply time.

Light had gotten L a rather large ice cream and they sat together on a bench at a busy park. Light held a fistful of napkins, smiling as L made a mess, holding the cup on the top of his bent knees. A young group of guys walked by and looked at them funny. Not only did they laugh and say hateful things about being gay, but they called L a freak for the way he sat and looked.

Light saw red. He didn't even really remember everything from the fight, just that he didn't hesitate to take on 3 guys by himself. From a young age, Light always knew he'd have a tough go of things for being gay. He didn't want to have to hide it forever. Knowing there was a good chance things like this would happen, Light made sure tennis wasn’t the only thing he was really good at. He'd been doing martial arts since he was a child, and worked out regularly. He wasn't a small guy, and his stance had intimidated two of the three guys. They weren't expecting him to be as tall as he was when he stood.

Of course, Light wasn't a prize fighter so he really didn't stand a chance against 3 people. He got several good swings in before they brought him down. L  glanced between them and his ice cream, frowned, set it down and went to help Light.  With both of them engaged in the fight, they managed to put a pretty good beating on those guys. Of course, when the cowards finally ran off because the cops showed up, Light and L were left pretty beat up, giving their statements to police. A couple bystanders came over and helped affirm their story that the 3 who ran off started the whole thing.

The officer gave the boys a ride to the ER where they got stitches and ice packs and pain medication. He promised to find the people who committed this hate crime, but nothing ever came of it. L remembered clearly the look Light gave him when the officer called it a hate crime. It hadn’t occurred to him that that's what it was.

“We knew this wouldn't be easy,” Light had said, holding L's hand in the ER.

“Yeah, but I didn't know it would be this hard,” L replied, looking down at his feet.

“Hey, you're not giving up are you?” Light suddenly felt worried.

“Of course not.  I would rather stay out of fights if possible, however,” L explained as he lifted his eyes to meet Light’s.

Light grimaced a little at the shiner L had.  “Fair enough. How about I buy you a new ice cream since you had to abandon yours?”

L perked up at that but before he could respond, a nurse came in with discharge papers.  She wished them well and told them to be careful out there, that the world wasn’t a friendly place. They smiled and nodded and for a brief moment Light wished he had access to the Death Note again, but the feeling passed when L reached for his hand. 

They bravely held hands in public the rest of the day, undeterred by the violence they'd suffered. As promised, Light bought L a new ice cream and they shared their first public kiss before heading home. 

An announcement from the pilot that they would soon be landing pulled L from his daydream. Light startled awake with a snore and wiped his mouth of drool, rotating his head to try and relieve the crick in his neck he developed from sleeping in an airplane seat.  First class or not, it just wasn't comfortable sleeping on a plane.

His thoughts left the pain in his neck when L grabbed his hand excitedly. They shared a sweet kiss as they felt the plane descend.  Immediately they both wanted more, but that would have to wait until they got to their hotel room. Light figured it would take a couple hours to get there, and he felt desperate for a coffee.

Luckily, the airport had a cute Café just beyond their terminal.  L got something sweet with lots of whipped cream and Light settled for plain old fashioned coffee with a  little cream. He was pleasantly surprised by how delicious it was. 

Next stop was baggage claim and the car rental place. Light was wiped by the time they got in the car. L drove them to their hotel as Light snoozed quietly once again. L wasn’t sure when Light’s frequent naps had stopped bothering him, but he was used to it now. He didn't worry about Light not waking up anymore. Maybe it was because they weren't doing treatment right now and Light was looking healthier. He'd actually gained a little weight recently. Whatever the reason, L was the happiest in this moment as he'd ever been. 

“Baby, we’re here,” L whispered as he gently rocked Light's shoulder.

“Man, I fell asleep again?” Light rubbed his eyes and got out of the car, taking in the picturesque scenery before him. “It's so beautiful here!”

L smiled at Light’s declaration and popped the trunk, pulling their bags out. “Let’s check out our room!”

With a nod, Light grabbed his bags and followed L into the lobby for check in.  The hotel was stunning, and Light couldn't wait to see their room.  L had gotten them a suite on the top floor . He'd spared no expense when it came to this trip. Light wondered if that was because L thought it would be their last trip together. Shaking that thought from his head, he turned his attention back to L as he turned from the front desk to hand Light his key card.

“ Thanks,” he smiled as he received it, following L to the elevator. 

Opulent was a good word to describe their room. Forget a mini bar; they had an _ actual _ bar. A panoramic view of the beach as well.  They were both awestruck; it would almost be tempting to never leave the room.

“Can we stay in tonight and order room service? I don't think I'm up for much tonight,” Light said as he dumped his stuff on the bedroom floor. The bed was huge and looked comfortable. Light hoped it delivered 

After exploring the suite, L made his way over to Light and pulled him close, “Sure. I found a menu in one of the kitchen drawers.” L kissed Light as he wrapped his arms around him. “I'm so glad we're here.”

“Me too,” Light said as he buried his face in black hair. He breathed L in, his sweet scent intoxicating. “Oh! Hey, do you want your birthday present?”

L's eyes lit up as he looked up at Light, smile stretching a mile wide. “Yes!”

Light broke the embrace to kneel on the floor and unzip his suitcase. Pulling out one shoe box sized wrapped gift and one much smaller wrapped gift, Light looked up at L and said, “One is gag, one is serious. Which do you want first?”

“Gag,” L knew he'd either laugh or hate it and that the real gift was probably going to be sentimental and make him cry. If he opened that first, he wouldn't recover enough to enjoy the funny gift.

Light handed over the bigger of the two and L shredded the paper like he'd die if he didn't. The box before him was an_ actual_ shoe box, and for a moment L just looked at him funny. Light motioned with his hands for L to continue, so he did. Upon opening it, L found nestled in brightly colored, glittery tissue paper, a rather life like pink dildo. L just stared for a moment, the look on his face obviously hilarious because Light burst into laughter.

“This is _ incredibly _ gay,” L said as he picked the  Pepto colored toy up.

Light laughed all the harder, “Don't you recognize it?”

L's eyes widened, “No!” He looked it over from tip to base. It _ even _ had the little skin tag at the base that Light had, “ Oh my God you gave me your dick for my birthday!” If it were possible to die of laughter, L would have right then. L sank to the floor in front of Light and swatted at him with the toy, both of them laughing too hard to speak . 

Once they recovered a bit, L placed it back in the shoe box, “You really are an asshole,” he smiled. Light just nodded and handed him the smaller box, his face growing a little more serious. 

L didn't quite open this box with the fervor he had previously.  Beneath the wrapping paper was a rather nice dark green box. He lifted off the lid to reveal a pocket watch. Brow furrowing in curiosity, L opened it, the words “In Timelessness We Dance Again”  engraved on the inside of the lid. L nearly dropped the watch as he gasped, the flood of emotions he felt overcoming him.  With a hand over his mouth, he stifled a sob before launching himself forward and dashing for the master bath.

“L?” Light felt worried and stood slowly to follow after L. The bathroom door was locked. He knocked softly, “ Are you ok? I'm sorry if what I did was wrong. I didn't know.”

“I just need to be alone for a moment,” L said. He'd laid himself out on the bathroom floor, clutching the watch and sobbing uncontrollably.  He scrolled through his phone until he found it. The poem he'd written in his darkest hour.

“There's a shadow in my room,   
Dancing beneath where the heaviness looms,   
My sadness entwines with his motion,   
And I smile at him through the gloom.   
  
I thought this longing for you would end,   
And as I dance with my shadow, I cry;   
Knowing there are many years ahead,   
And that I cannot have you until I die.   
  
Can't you see that all I have is you?   
You have the universe; glory infinite.   
But I have nothing, want nothing, am nothing,   
Yet here we are, together, in a private moment, intimate.   
  
This barren land reminds me of my solitude,   
And I'm finding it hard to daily pretend.   
Take me now, be with me when,   
In timelessness we dance again.”

L had written it after losing their son. He'd initially drowned his sorrows in alcohol, but during rehab learned to express his emotions creatively.  This was the result. It turned out he wasn’t half bad at poetry. He didn't even know Light read his poems.  They were accessible to Light; he knew L wrote. But L didn't  realize…

By the time L pulled himself together and exited the bathroom, he found that Light had cleaned up the wrapping paper and promptly passed out on the bed.  With a sniffle, L placed the watch on the nightstand and curled himself around his husband. Light groaned in his sleep and reached for L, but didn't fully wake up.  Drained, L fell asleep in Light's arms, remembering their son as he drifted off.

They both woke to a darkened sky and empty stomachs. L fetched the menu from the kitchen while Light brewed some coffee. Sliding the menu to Light, L asked what he'd like. With one glance, Light pointed at the porterhouse and asked for a loaded potato on the side. And Mac and cheese. And a salad. And that delicious looking chocolate cake for dessert.

“ Uh, are you hungry, Light?” L joked after he placed their order. He was glad his husband at least _ thought _ he could eat that much food. 

To L's shock and amazement, Light _ did _ eat almost all that food. There was just enough leftover for lunch tomorrow. Light leaned back on the sofa and exhaled, “I can't move or I'll surely burst,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, well, you ate enough for a small army.”

Light lifted his head, “Hey, about earlier. I'm sorry.  We can scrap the watch and I'll get you something else. I didn't-“

L cut him off, “No, Light. I love it. I really do.” He leaned over to kiss his overstuffed husband, “It just made me think of _ him. _ ”

Light frowned, sitting up to  run his fingers through L's hair. “I'm sorry. I wasn’t trying to bring up bad memories.  It was a beautiful piece and I really thought that last line was so perfect. I wanted to immortalize our time together.  I thought that maybe you could look at that watch whenever you felt down and be reminded that each passing tick of the clock hand was another second closer to us being together again.”

“ That's a beautifully dark and thoughtful gift, Light. And I'm sure that's exactly what I'll do,” he smiled softly, sadness woven into the lines on his face. L was only 32, but already he had a streak of grey in that famed black hair of his.

Light held L silently,  words not quite enough to fill the heaviness of the moment. Finally, in a whisper, “I miss him.”

“I know you do. I do too,” Light said as he squeezed L, feeling his body quiver as the tears rolled down again.  They were quieter this time. A silent remembering of sweeter, more innocent times. 

The two of them made their way back to bed,  bellies full and hearts broken. They dreamed of shattered things and clung to each other through their restless sleep.  Hopefully things would be better by morning.

***

With a new sunrise came renewed strength. Both Light and L awoke to better moods and happier outlooks. So much so that Light wouldn't let L out of bed until he’d had his way with him.  L giggled beneath the covers, thinking that Hawaii sure was doing Light a _ lot _ of good.

L gasped and writhed in shocked appreciation when Light  took his talented tongue between his legs and  gave him a ride to blow his mind.  Light must've been determined to make L orgasm in record time or something, because he could barely stand how overstimulated he felt. Torn between telling Light to stop, that it was too much, and  demanding more , he  ended up simply screaming through a powerful orgasm as Light relentlessly fingered his prostate.

“Oh, holy-“ L stopped and looked down at Light, who had a devious grin on his face. L couldn’t  believe he wasn’t done yet.  L didn't even know Light had grabbed the lube. Where’d it come from? Light never left the bed.

L's back arched, eyes closed, and mind went blank of all questions the moment Light sank himself deep inside L's body.  His mouth was open, but nothing came out.  He could feel Light's fingers wrapping around his thighs, pulling himself deeper as began a fast, relentless rhythm.  L would've wondered if Light could keep this pace up had he any mental faculties available whatsoever. 

As it were, a second orgasm was building and  L wasn’t sure he would survive it.  He could hear Light screaming his name as he thrust himself violently against L's ass, but the words were not comprehended.  It wasn't until Light collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily and covered in sweat, that L realized they’d both  orgasmed .

“We need to get up if we're going to do that volcano excursion today,” L said.

A muffled, “No,”  came from where Light had buried his face in the sheets. Shakily he pushed himself off L, “ Can't we just stay in all day and fuck?”

“As tempting as that is, I've already paid in full for this outing and I'm actually excited about it,” L said with a bit of sass. 

Light mocked him and got a pillow to the head in retaliation. Of course, that meant war so Light held a pillow over L's head, smothering him.  L was somehow able to roll out from under him and smash a pillow into Light's side, down feathers flying everywhere. They both stood stock still on the bed.  “Oh my God you busted the pillow,” Light laughed. 

“I'll just have to inform the front desk. Hopefully they're not too expensive,” L said,  biting his thumb nail as he thought.

“You’re such a cheap bastard!” Light exclaimed as he got L right in the face with another pillow, knocking L down into the bed and busting the pillow wide open.

“Forgive me for not wanting to spend my fortune on pillows!” L said as he jumped up, double fisting  a couple of pillows and going to town on Light.

By the time they were finished with their pillow fight, they’d pretty  much destroyed the bedroom.  Maid service would definitely earn their tip today. Light suggested leaving cash with a note of apology on the table in the foyer and L thought that was a great idea.

They quickly showered and dressed and headed out the door, determined to get breakfast on their way to the volcano.  Light was surprised by how good he felt and wondered if he were overdoing it and possibly setting himself up for being sick tomorrow.  He decided not to worry about it, besides, it seemed like the bike tour was set up so nearly anybody with two legs could do it.  What really surprised him most of all was that L had not only volunteered for a physical activity, but was looking  _ forward  _ to it. Who was this strange black haired man and what had he done with his husband?

After the fun but exhausting outing, the guys decided to hang out by the pool the rest of the day. Light helped L slather himself in sunscreen, but Light laid out and worked on his tan.

An older passerby stopped to look Light over and commented, “Yer gonna get skin cancer sitting out here roasting like that.”

Light cracked open one eye, but otherwise didn't bother moving. With his hands tucked neatly behind his head he replied, “ I'm not really worried about it.”

“Why not?” the woman put her hands on her hips, “Do you want to look like a leather bag when you're 80?”

Light sat up, “Lady, not that it's _ any _ of your business, but I'm likely not going to live to see thirty. Reaching 80 in any capacity  for me is a miracle currently beyond modern medical convention, I'm afraid.”

L had been over by the swim up bar ordering them drinks when he overheard his husband talking to somebody. Hurriedly, he shuffled over to find Light sitting up, chatting with some old lady who had sat  on the beach lounge next to him.

“What’s going on?” L asked as he handed Light his mojito. L was sipping on a  Pina colada made in a hollowed out pineapple. It was fantastic.

“ This is Mrs. Francesca Willis,” Light introduced , “Mrs. Willis, meet my husband,  Ryuzaki .”

L learned through a brief recap that Fran, as she preferred to be called, was in Hawaii on a 50th anniversary trip she and her husband had been planning for months before he died. It wasn't unexpected, just early. They both thought they'd have more time together. Instead of cancelling the trip, she decided to take it. She felt like her late husband would have wanted her to.

“It's hard,” she told L, taking his hand in hers, “But you'll get through. Call me any time if you ever need to talk.” 

So gracious was Fran that Light and L insisted on buying her dinner.  Since  she was alone on the island, she was more than happy for the company, thanking the young men for their hospitality. They settled on the hotel restaurant, which she’d already tried once and assured was delicious.

After splitting a bottle of wine and saying their goodnight’s, Light and L found they were both rather tipsy from their dinner. In the elevator, L kissed Light sloppily and slurred, “That'll be me soon. Old and alone, missing my  dead husband.”

“Oh shut up, we both know I'll haunt your ass,” Light joked, pulling drunken giggles from L.

“I thought you were going to bring up getting remarried again,” L said.

“Looks like you did that for me. We both know you simply  _ cannot  _ be alone.”

“What a load of crap! I was alone before I met you and I was  _ fine _ .” L stumbled out of the elevator and Light couldn't help but laugh at him.

“No you weren't. You had  Watari .”

L raised a finger in protest when a sudden look of realization hit him. “Shit. Light I think you're right.”

“I know I'm right,” he said as he fucked up inserting the key card several times before getting it right.

“Hey let's get naked and do naked things,” L said, stumbling backwards into the room.

“Ok but I think I might be too dr u nk and tired to get my willy to work.”

“ Just let me blow you, ok? Fucks sake Light. Shut up and let me suck your dick.”

Light giggled at L's drunken stupidity, busting up when L got caught in his shirt as he pulled it over head and fell over the back of the couch. Light leaned over the couch to find a shirtless, breathless L lying face up. “Why aren't you naked?” L asked, frustrated. 

“Alright, sheesh. I'll get undressed. You think you can be alone but you can't even get your shirt off by yourself,” Light said as he stripped.

“I'm drunk!” L declared , as if that explained everything , “Besides, if I get married again he has to be hot. Like really hot. And I don't even know if that's a thing because literally nobody is hotter than you.”

“Awe, thanks babe,” Light said as he rounded the couch.

L smiled and sat up upon seeing Light’s naked form. “He has to be brilliant. And at least a little bit bad. No, I take that back. A lot bad. Like, dangerous.”

“Jesus, L. Why?”

“That’s half the thrill. Knowing you were Kira was such a fucking turn on, oh my God.” L crawled on his knees over to where Light stood and grabbed hold of Light’s flaccid penis.

“That's messed  uuuuuppp !” Light couldn't speak once L piled him into his mouth and began working his magic.  It shouldn't have surprised him that L could get him up. Maintaining to completion would be the task, however.

L seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself as he messily sucked and groaned around his mouthful, saliva dripping down Light's balls. Light didn't care that it was messy; it still felt amazing.  He tangled his fingers in L's hair, resisting the urge to fuck his mouth. Instead he lost himself to the pleasure and sure enough, L eventually pulled an orgasm from him.

“I'll never doubt you again,” Light sighed as the y snuggled on the couch.  “With skills like that you definitely won't be on the market long.”

“Would you stop it? I'm not getting remarried, Light. It's you forever.”

Light kissed his forehead sweetly, “I know you like to think that, but one day you'll realize you were wrong. ”

“How do you know?”

Light shrugged, “I just do. Honestly, the thought of you being left alone after I'm gone is painful for me.  I absolutely _ hate _ thinking about you living a lonely, solitary life. You'd be miserable and I don't want that for you.”

L hadn't considered that the prospect of him living alone would _ bother _ Light.  He had to admit it broke his heart to realize that every time he told Light no, he wasn’t affirming his love for Light, he was hurting the one he loved most.  “Oh Light I'm so sorry,” L sniffed through tear filled eyes, “I can't imagine being with someone else while I'm with you. I just can't.  But I promise you I won't be alone. I promise. I get it now. I understand.”

Light kissed L's tears away and smiled at him. The couch would have to do for a sleeping place tonight because they soon fell asleep in each other's arms, each warm in the others embrace. L cherished each moment like this, cataloging the memories because he knew one day these moments would run out.

***

Light wasn't wrong about overdoing it the day before. He'd woken up some time in the early morning, sore and slightly hungover. He tried to get L to go to bed with him but gave up quickly. It wasn't until L woke up cold and alone a few hours later that he decided to find Light and snuggle against him.

It would be noon before they woke up again. L pulled himself from the bed and made them coffee. Light looked like a zombie. “Uh,  wanna stay in today and watch movies?”

“Yes please,” Light moaned as he took a dose of aspirin with his coffee.

They ordered room service and marathoned the John Wick series, falling asleep between movies. They picked at leftovers until dinner, ordering room service once again. Promising each other not to overdo drinking the rest of the trip, they hoped to feel better in the morning and actually enjoy the rest of their stay.

And they did exactly that. Their trip to the famous tropical islands turned out to be a real dream come true for them both. It was two weeks of adventure, romance, and just enough downtime to not feel exhausted.  They played on the beach, swam in the ocean, made love and memories to last a lifetime. It was a trip they would soon not forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this fic! How do you feel about Light's feelings regarding L not being alone after he's gone? Do you think he's right? Wrong? Being dramatic b/c there's a miracle cure around the corner so he should just STFU? Hahaha! I'd like to know!


	10. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L's Christmas celebration turns sour when they're faced with a grim reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than what I've been posting lately. It didn't feel right to post the next part in the same chapter. I'm debating posting the next chapter today along with this one.

Reality hit them when they returned and realized they were halfway through Light's sabbatical from treatment.  The dogs were outrageously excited to see them, and didn't obey a single command not to jump on L and Light. The guys honestly didn’t mind. They'd missed the dogs too.

December rolled in quickly and br ou ght with it baked goods, decorations, and family visits.  It all couldn't help but feel bittersweet because even though they'd been given the outlook of Light possibly having several years left if everything went right , it might still be his last Christmas after all. 

However, Light looked and felt strong. His medication didn't seem to have any negative affect on him and he’d bounced back nicely from chemo. Almost  _ too  _ nicely. He was pushing 200lbs due to L's constant barrage of sweets upon him. He didn't mind, however. He knew treatment would zap away the weight.

“We're out of eggnog,” Light said as he rummaged through the fridge, “and eggs and butter. Anything else we need from the store before everybody gets here?”  They'd been planning Christmas Eve dinner at their house for their families. Excitement filled the house as Light went through last minute checks. “I'll just run to the store real quick. Dad _ loves _ eggnog. We can't not have it.”

With a quick kiss goodbye Light was out the door while L finished baking his pies. He was glad that Light had started driving again the past month.  Each improvement gave him hope. 

Soon after Light left, a knock at the door had L shouting “Come in!” as he finished washing his hands.  Watari and his three mischievous brothers filed through the door, arms overflowing with gifts and food.

“Gifts go under the tree! I'll take the cake!” L shouted in delight as he took in the lemon blueberry cake  Watari brought.

“Oh no you don't! We both know it’ll go missing!” Mello said as he turned away from L, keeping the cake just out of reach.

L relented and led him into the kitchen to find a place for it. It wasn't until Mello's hands were empty that he saw the flash of silver on his left hand. “You didn't.” L said, pulling Mello’s hand in for a closer inspection.

“ He asked me this morning,” Mello flushed, seeming embarrassed. “Did you _ ever _ picture the likes of me getting married?”

L smiled, “Yes, actually. I always thought you needed someone to reel you in a bit.”

“Fair enough,” Mello said before hugging his brother, “Where's Light?”

“He just ran to the store,” L checked his special pocket watch and frowned, “He should've been back by now.”

“Traffic is a nightmare right now, though,” Mello assured. They both shrugged it off and went to help unload the rest of the gifts from the car.

When Light’s family arrived a short while later, L grew concerned. He phoned Light but it went to voicemail. “He’s not answering my texts either.”

“Should we drive to the store?”  Souichiro offered. L had just nodded yes to his suggestion when a knock sounded at the door.

L ra n to open it, both relieved to see Light but alarmed to see he was escorted home by police. “Are you  Ryuzaki ?”

“Yes, officer,”  L said as he closed the door behind him and stepped out into the cold, away from prying eyes and leaning ears.

“We got a call from the local supermarket that a man was confused and didn't know where he was or how to get home. This is the address on his license, so we brought him here. Does he have a medical condition?” the officer asked, ever kind in his tone.

L felt himself choke as he tried not to cry, “Cancer. He has brain cancer,” L managed.

“I'm so sorry to hear that,” the officer said, “Well, he appears unharmed and if you lose him again don't hesitate to call us. Have a Merry Christmas.”

With that, the officer left and L pulled Light into the house.  He seemed fine if not a little fatigued. “Baby,  do you know where you are?”

“Yeah, I'm home,” Light said, looking around at his alarmed family, “I…. Just got confused.”

L took Light’s hands in his and breathed deep, “Baby, you know what this means?”

“ Cancer’s back,” Light acknowledged sadly .

L nodded , his face distressed , “Cancer’s back.”

They decided that there was nothing the ER could do for them now and Light’s confusion seemed to be transient. They would call the oncologist after Christmas and schedule whatever testing was needed then.  It would have to wait. They made the best of their Christmas Eve celebration, trying mightily to quell their growing anxiety with little success. 

Christmas Day was a blur for the both of them. Neither felt like getting out of bed save to let the dogs out.  They barely ate. L felt like this was it, this was the end. Come tomorrow, bad news would abound. He didn't want to think like that. He wanted to have hope for Light’s sake, but he didn't. There would be no sleep in the foreseeable future for L. 

December 26 th couldn't have come faster for them. L was dialing the doctor’s office at 7:59am , hoping to get through. Somebody answered and took his frantic message. The sweet but tired- possibly hungover-  receptionist  fit them in for an emergency appointment that morning. “How soon can you be here?”

“It's about an hour drive and we're leaving now,” L said.

“Drive safe. See you soon,” she said before hanging up. 

L did  _ not _ drive safe. Light didn't seem to care, either. He seemed to be in somewhat of a fog, though he didn't sleep on the drive down.  “It's going to be bad news, isn't it?” Light asked.

“Yes,” L could barely whisper it.

It seemed their routine of L checking them in and Light finding a seat in the waiting area was easily resumed. Perhaps the seemingly endless appointments had them in some unbreakable habits. They were ushered back quickly, vitals taken and symptoms listed as they waited for the doctor. They did not have to wait long. He did a few quick tests and sent them for an MRI.  The good thing about being in a hospital is that imaging was right downstairs, and they happened to be available that morning. With any sort of luck, they could have the results read by that afternoon and a new plan of action in place.

The big MRI machine didn't bother Light a bit. He'd done this several times by now. L watched worriedly from the window, able to see the images as they came up on the screen. He was no oncologist, but he’d picked up quickly how to read  images from the many they had taken of Light. His heart sank. If his eyes weren't deceiving him,  Light had _ multiple _ brain tumors now.  _ How could this be?  _ L felt sick. The medication was supposed to prevent exactly this. 

It didn't take long for the images to be interpreted by the oncologist because the technicians immediately called him. It was that bad. Light and L would be able to sit down with him again later that day and go over what L and Light had already known was a death sentence; this new information simply moving the timeline up dramatically.

L didn't tell Light what he saw.  He wasn't sure if he just didn't want Light to know quite yet or if he just didn't have the words. Either way, they sipped terrible hospital coffee in silence as they waited.

Soon enough they found themselves sitting in the doctor’s office, him folding his hands over the images splayed across his desk. L didn't quite catch everything he said, but he caught enough. “ sometimes patients develop a resistance to the medication… there's an experimental treatment available…. I'll refer you and send your  images to them and see what they say.”

Light and L nodded  absentmindedly , understanding that this referral was a last ditch effort to treat him. Any questions they had about prognosis would have to go to them.  It was a harrowing day, and they felt like they were leaving with more questions than answers.

“Just put me down,” Light said once they were in the car.

“What?”

“You know, like a dog,” Light was staring at the floor board as he said it.

“No, Light!” L felt disturbed as he drove off. He wasn't ready to lose his husband. Not yet. What happened to the possibility of ten more years together? They'd lasted all of 6 months since diagnosis. This was bullshit, L thought, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

“I think Sweden will let me kill myself. We could go there.”

_ Oh my God, we’re really  _ _ talking _ _ about this,  _ “I'm not ready Light. Don't do this to me. I thought we had more time.  Please. Can we see what the clinic says? Can we at least do the consult?”

Light wasn't sure why he was surprised to see panic in L's eyes. It made him feel guilty. “Ok. I'm sorry, L. I'm just tired.”

“You're giving up.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

L was quiet. _Yes, _he thought. But L was selfish and he didn't care in that moment. He wanted Light to live a little longer. _At what expense?_ “If…” he struggled to say it, “If the experimental treatment doesn't work, we’ll go to Sweden.”

“Do you promise?”

L swallowed hard, “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this turn of events wasn't shocking, even if it sets us up for a sad future. It's almost time to say goodbye to Light.


	11. Goodbye, I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L bids his sweet husband farewell after his long battle with cancer comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, while exceptionally short, actually inspired the whole story. I wrote this first, months ago, but had no story to go with it. I thought it would be the ending of the story, but turns out it's just the halfway point.

Light had given it his all, but he was tired. Tired of treatment, tried of cancer, tired of being sick. The experimental treatment had worked for a while but it kept coming back. He had battled it for five years; he was done. L couldn't blame him, and for once he didn't complain or cry. The only problem was now Light was too weak and too sick to travel to Sweden like L had promised.

L ran a hand over his husband's thin face. He didn't even remember what he looked like with hair at this point.  Light had been bald for years; the scar from where they removed his brain tumor left a semi circle on the side of his head. He was like a beautiful Frankenstein's monster.

“I love you,” L whispered as he brushed his lips against Light's in a tender kiss , holding his husband's frail body to his under the covers  of their bed. Light had lost consciousness and was not going to  wake up. L knew that.  These were his final moments alive; L was watching him take his final breaths. He was just thankful it could be in the privacy of their own home where they could be together.

L thought back to the last conversation he’d had with Light. It was one of surrender, really. On top of learning Light’s cancer was back_ again, _they'd just buried both dogs within 6 months of each other. It was an emotional ending. The dogs had been faithful companions, keeping L company the nights Light was in the hospital. But they'd grown old and tired; it was time to say goodbye. Light had looked at L with tear filled eyes, “I'm done,” he said, staring into his husband's deep silver eyes.

L just stood there, unable to breathe. This wasn't Light losing hope or being dramatic. It was simply time.  Time to stop pretending that the next treatment was going to fix this and let go. L nodded his head, “Ok,” was all he managed, but he did not break down.

“I'm sorry,” Light offered, looking up from his wheel chair with a small smile.

“Don't be. You fought hard for us. For me. ” L  knelt by Light and took his face in his hands. The chemo had ravaged him. He was just a shell of his former self.

L managed to transfer Light from the chair to the bed without much difficulty. He had actually become quite good at it.  He laid down next to Light, who played with L's hair. “We had a good run, right?”

L smiled. They weren't even 40 yet.  “Yes,” he said anyway, attempting to soothe him, “We accomplished so much. ”

“Was I a good husband to you?” Light asked.

L's heart clenched. What a question. “The best. Better than I deserved.”

“ I  know we agreed you would find somebody new. Just, don't forget me, ok?”

Tears filled L's eyes. Light didn't even  _ need _ to ask a question like that. “Baby it's going to be hard not to think of you everyday.  You know how we both miss Timothy everyday? How that ache in your heart never really goes away?” Light nodded, his own tears filling his eyes now. “It'll be just like that every day.”

“Do you think I'll see him?”

“Yes.”

Light  smiled. It was finally ok to die. He would be reunited with their son, and L was more than capable of making it through life . _ He has so much to offer someone, not to mention he  _ _ is _ _ gorgeou _ s , Light thought . “You’re going to be a hot widower. You'll have to beat the men off with a stick. Possibly the women too.”

L laughed hard. Light was being utterly preposterous and he loved it. “I'm going to miss you every day. There won't be a day where I won't wish you were right here with me, Light.”

“I will be with you,” Light smiled, contemplating a joke about haunting him, but he let it go.

L left his memories and focused on the present moment. This would be the last time he ever held his husband. Light took a sudden sharp, deep breath and opened his eyes, much to the shock of L.

“I'm leaving now,” he said.

“Goodbye, I love you,” L said.

“I love you too,” Light said as he closed his eyes again and exhaled. He did not inhale again. L sobbed into his chest,  unwilling to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't read this and listen to Taylor Swifts "Soon You'll Get Better" without having a breakdown. 
> 
> I also hope you'll hang in there with me, because the story isn't over yet.


	12. The Hardest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light's funeral leads to shenanigans with L and his brothers. Heart Break abounds.

The entire family was waiting outside L and Light’s room quietly, attempting to offer L the privacy he'd requested. Light's family had been staying at their house for days, and up until a few hours ago everyone had been saying their goodbye’s. Everyone agreed that L would get the final moments alone; there had been no pushback. Watari passed around tea and coffee, not knowing what else to do but serve. Sachiko sniffled into her handful of tissues, and Souichiro held her, his face grim and drawn. The man looked as though he’d aged twenty years in two. Sayu leaned against her mother, holding a cooling cup of tea she had no real interest in. 

Matt held a red eyed Mello. For all his violence and insanity, he was the most sensitive of the three. Near absently twirled his hair with one hand as he stirred his coffee with the other. Occasionally he stole glances at Sayu, who paid him no mind. Nobody spoke as there was nothing to say.

Finally, the door creaked, and everyone gave their undivided attention to the heavy silver eyes behind the door. “He’s gone,”  L whispered, slinking back into the room but leaving the door ajar for the others. Sachiko could be heard wailing as  Sayu filtered in and touched Light’s cooling hand. She turned a tear stained face to L, “He's still beautiful, even now.”

L sighed and gave her what was almost a smile.  It was unexpected when she embraced him, and he stiffened, but didn't pull away. When she finally released him, she said, “You're still my big brother, ok?”

He nodded, unable to reply otherwise.  Watari stepped inside to let L know he’d made arrangements for the body. He suggested L step outside for some air. L politely declined, not wanting to abandon Light quite yet.  “You think you're ready,” L said, looking back at Light’s frozen form, “But you're not. Even after five years of preparation.”

Watari nodded in understanding, “As you wish. I'll be right outside if you need me.”

L nodded, unable to lift his gaze from the floor or right his hunched back. He'd never had spectacular posture, and in this moment his whole body seemed too heavy to him. Despite the pain of his loss, there was also something else there. He wouldn't say it out loud, but it were as though a burden had been lifted. The realization hit him slowly, but it occurred to him that in many ways he was free. No more round the clock care, remembering to administer medications, scheduling home health appointments. If he wanted to leave the house, he could without issue. Without _worry._ There was no more fear and anxiety that Light could pass at any moment. He was gone, it was over, and for the first time in five years, L felt he could breathe.

Not wanting to be there when the body was taken, L made his way into the garden and sat on his bench under the Morning Glory vine that twisted over and around it. The shade offered him reprieve from the bright sun, though it wasn't particularly warm out.  He imagined Light and Timothy catching butterflies and letting them go, chasing them with nets, laughing. Light with all his hair and strength and vitality.

“You died today, but you've been gone for much longer,” L said out loud if only to hear himself speak. “You left me a long time ago, Light. I know you didn't mean to. I know…” he couldn't finish his thought for the tears. 

In the distance, a figure appeared from the house. He couldn't make out who it was at first. Ru bb ing his eyes to clear them, he realized it was Sachiko.

“May I?” She asked politely when she made it to the bench.

L scooted to one side and she sat , “ No mother has children with the plan being to bury them.  L, I don't know how we’re going to get through this.”

L squeezed her hand and looked over at her, the same auburn hair sparkling where the bits of sun poked through the vine above. She stared straight ahead,  her stoicism broken by the tear stains on her face.

“We made it through the last  five years, we’ll make it through the next ,” L offered, unsure of what to say.

She finally turned to him, “I'm going to miss you so much when you move to England. Please, don't be a stranger. You're the only son we have left.”

If L's heart  could’ve broken again it would have.  He pulled Sachiko into him and held her tight for several minutes. He wanted to stay. He wanted to tell her he wasn’t going anywhere, that they could be a family still and spend every holiday together. But he couldn't tell her that. He'd promised Light he'd go.  “Any time you want to come visit, just say the word.  You'll never have to buy another plane ticket again. And I'll visit you whenever I can. I promise.”

Sachiko nodded as she wiped her face and pulled herself together.  Hand in hand, she and L walked back into the house.  Watari had gone ahead and prepared an early dinner for everyone.  L didn't eat much, though he tried. Tomorrow they would bury Light. Tomorrow it would be over.

***

Light’s funeral was strange for L .  It wasn't that anything went wrong, but it was almost as though there were a thick stickiness to the air, like how it feels right after a rain but the sky doesn't clear.  All the people L didn't know made him uncomfortable, too. Light’s friends from To-Oh  University especially rubbed him the wrong way. They were so sorry for his loss as they ate his food and sat on his furniture, but where were these  friends the past five years?  Did they really think they could lie to the world's greatest detective? Of course, they didn't know who they were lying  _ too,  _ so maybe he  sh ouldn't feel like his intelligence was quite so insulted. It didn't stop him from wanting to scream at everybody to get out , however. 

“You haven't eaten all day,”  the warm, motherly whispers of Sachiko echoed in his ear as she shoved a plate of food in his hands.  She must've seen him scowling at their guests from across the room, figuring a correction in blood sugar might help. But it wasn't just food L needed. He needed to get out of these clothes, these shoes, these formalities.  He needed to run into the woods,  naked and wild, and forget he was ever a civilized man. With dirt on his face and under each nail, he could howl at the moon in his dismay.  Yes, that's what he needed. But instead he stood alone in a crowded room with no escape, a wooden and glass prison made especially for him. One designed to keep him quiet, to block out the moon he wished to cry to.

If Light were there, he would've protected L from the awkwardness of social gatherings nobody_ really_ wanted to attend. He wouldn't have thought twice about L's need to pull his knees into his chest as he sat at the dining room table, chin in his knees and thumb on his lip as he stared at his plate on the table before him. Light would've distracted the judgmental stares with his blazing smile and silky motion much unlike L's languid way of going. There was something smooth about Light, something beautiful and distracting. One couldn't help but give him all their attention, and L liked it that way. It kept him hidden in the background, his presence otherwise unknown anywhere they went.

But now L would be forced into the cold,  uninviting light where he was the center of attention nobody wanted.  His husband wasn't there to protect him from the prying eyes and rude comments of those who didn't or couldn't understand that L wasn't like everybody else. And the thing his husband loved about him most,  left L crippled in a crowd where all he could do was try not to cry or cringe should someone approach. 

“ It doesn't mean something is _ wrong _ with you,” he recalled Light saying. They were on their way home from the  neurologist , and L was inconsolable from the news he'd received. “It's just a way of putting a name to what makes you so unique.”

L didn't believe him and so settled for tossing Light dirty looks from across the car.  However, Light only laughed at him. “It isn't funny.”

“When you make that face, I can't help it, L.  You're adorable when you're sulking,” Light reached for his hand and reluctantly L took it.

“ Maybe we shouldn't have children, Light.”

That statement had shocked Light a bit, but he recovered.  With a deep breath, “ Don't say that,  _ please.  _ Even if there's a genetic component it's not a guarantee. Besides, so what if it is?  I love you  _ just _ how you are and I would love our children too.”

“I know you would,” L dropped his line of thought that the world would be a much more difficult place for their kids if they turned out like him instead of Light.  The promise of starting a family had lit Light up and L couldn't take that from him now. Whatever happened, they would handle it together.

L startled from his thoughts at the touch of a hand on his shoulder. Mello.  “What?” the word sounded more harsh than L intended.

“ Come outside with me and Matt,” he suggested with a nod toward the door. 

That suggestion from Mello only meant one thing; that L would be in the presence of all the vices he desperately wanted to partake of but promised his dying husband he'd stay away from. “Ok,” L shrugged as he stood. Light couldn't yell at him over it from the grave.

Once in the garden, he turned his back to his favorite white bench so he wouldn't have to think about all his promises to Light. Right now he was taking a shot of whiskey with his brother's at the base of the patio stairs.  Besides, he didn't promise to _ never _ drink again, just that he wouldn't try to kill himself with it. Or with anything, really. That was the spirit of the promise, anyway.

He also  _ never _ promised not to get high. There was a moment he wondered if Light could see him from wherever he was, and figured he’d be laughing at him right now.  Matt had a multitude of different vape pen attachments and explained all of them to L.

“Is there one that will make me forget this shit show?” L asked.

“Yeah, actually,” Matt said as he screwed the little pen to the base of his vape. “Try this.”

Roughly an hour later, the bottle of whiskey was gone and the three of them were hiding from the guests, including their own family . They had moved their little after party to underneath the deck, where they could hide from searching eyes and avoid saying goodbye to the people they didn't want there in the first place.

“ Light’s friends from college are pretentious fucking twats,” L slurred.

Mello guffawed and Matt passed him the vape, “Dude, right? I thought so too,” he said. Matt really only became chatty if he mi x ed alcohol with his pot. This was the most L had ever heard him talk.

“Alright I  wanna change the subject!” L announced as he swa y ed on his feet. Sitting cross legged on the ground, he continued, “So, how do you like married life?”

Matt grinned ear to ear, “I love it! I can't speak for him, but I'm enjoying myself.”

Mello smiled slightly, obviously glad Matt  was feeling the way he did. It occurred to L that it must've been Matt's idea, and much in the way L had obliged Light,  Mello had tied the knot more out his love for his partner than a desire to be tied down. 

“You'll learn to love it,” L  said to Mello. Mello gave him a fake surprised look as though his brother wouldn't be able to read him. “I know you, Mello. You miss your wild, younger days now but you'll find there's much to appreciate in having a steadfast partner. ”

“It's honestly no contest,” Mello assured, “ I have moments where I reminisce about partying for days on end , enjoying a cocaine fueled bender , nobody knowing where I was,” he paused to laugh and grab Matt’s hand, “But honestly those memories are empty. I don't want to go back to that life.”

L smiled. For years, Mello had been the family's dirty little secret, in a way.  He had a penchant for violence and made a career for himself as the hitman of  Wammy’s . If  Watari or L needed someone taken care of, well, he did it. No questions asked.  L felt amused to think that from the outside,  Wammy’s looked like such a wonderful place for displaced children.  In reality, it housed murderers and the morally corrupt. There was a reason Kira fit right in, truth be told.

However, Mello realized much in the same way Light had that if he kept living this life, he would succumb to it.  With a future as bright as the one he had with Matt on the horizon, he retired without a second thought.  Just like Light had done. L silently prayed that Matt and Mello would have the future he and Light had been denied.

Sachiko was cleaning up the house, her husband a willing yet zombie  like participant carrying dishes into the kitchen. Neither of them acknowledged the three young men's altered state, though surely it didn’t escape them.  Without so much as a shrug, L began to assist in the clean up, leaving Matt and Mello to feel like asses  if they didn't pitch in as well.

“Light taught you well,” Sachiko winked at the particular way in which L went about hand washing the overflow dishes. He blushed.

Changing the subject, “Everyone is gone? Where are  Sayu ,  Near and  Watari ?” He asked, glancing over at Sachiko but not daring to turn to her fully.

“Near and  Sayu are outside talking on your front porch.  Watari is picking up dinner. “ 

L felt relieved that he wouldn't have to eat the sad excuses for casserole some of the guests had brought over.  Silently he blessed the only man he ever knew as his father,  hoping also that  Watari would know to pick up cheese doodles. Being high always made him crave them.

It didn't take long for the house to no longer contain the evidence of anything out of the ordinary happening.  As the final dish clicked into place on its shelf,  Watari arrived with take out and a few other groceries.  Sayu and Near trailed close behind,  arms full with the rest of the groceries.

As they unpacked their spoils, L nearly danced with joy upon seeing the bag of cheese doodles.  He stopped when he realized it meant  Watari knew he was stoned and said nothing. It seemed nobody would dare chastise a grieving widower.  L decided he would take whatever silver lining he could get as he demolished the entire bag.

“We’re going to have to toss this casserole to make room for everything,”  Sayu announced as she heaved the monstrosity from the fridge .

“Too bad,” Mello mumbled as he leaned over it with a look of disgust, “What the hell is Mexican Lasagna anyway?”

Everyone shrugged simultaneously as  Sayu trashed it. Matt giggled and L glared at him, as though it weren’t already apparent the three of them were wasted.

“Dude, chill,” Mello said when he noticed L's glare directed toward his husband.

L dropped the look and mumbled something about having plenty of chill. The cheese dust  around his mouth made him appear quite comical, and the  Yagami girls began to giggle at him. L dropped his gaze to the floor as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Light wasn't there anymore to help him with  these awkward social situations. It seemed there was a steep learning curve and L wondered if he'd ever get there.

As if to save the day somehow,  Watari announced that dinner would be ready soon if anybody wanted to set the table. His eyes landed firmly on Matt and Mello. Perhaps the old man simply wanted to punish them with chores for acting like children with L earlier. With a huff, Mello walked off to do his task, Matt grinning stupidly behind him.

Dinner came and went with less awkward silence and more laughter and sharing fond memories of Light than L anticipated. He would've sobered up after eating too if they hadn’t split four bottles of wine between them. Every toast was to Light’s memory, and it never lacked for sincerity with every clink of glass. For something so horrible to have happened, for such a shitty start he got that day, it ended as well as it could have, L thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Let me know if you're still with me, and how you're feeling about this story. I'm feeling pretty insecure right now as a writer for two reasons; one, I've killed off a character a lot of people really love, including myself, and two, I'm going to be introducing an original character and I'm really worried about them being accepted by readers. I know it won't be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok. I just hope someone out there loves it.


	13. The Secrets We Keep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Souichiro tells L a secret. L moves back to England to start over. Everything is hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The late night kitchen conversation L has with Souichiro is one of my personal favorite moments in this story.

That night after Watari and his brothers had returned to their hotel, he and the Yagami’s said their goodnight’s as they had for the past week. His in laws had occupied the extra rooms he and Light had hoped in vain to fill with children one day, save for Timothy's room. Nobody was allowed in there except for Sachiko when she helped L pack the room up. She handled everything with great care and respect, her heart feeling crushed as she folded tiny clothes into a box that reminded her of when Light was a child.

They would be leaving tomorrow, as well as him. Most of the house had been packed up by now.  Their day would consist of packing one last moving truck before L joined his family for a night at the hotel, flights leaving for England in the morning. 

There was already a sign on the front lawn, but the realtor was  gracious and wouldn't officially list the house until L was gone.  Everything was to be left to the realtor, and L was more than alright with that.  He had no business trying to sell a house on the best of days.

It came as no surprise to him that he couldn't sleep that final night. A creak in the floorboards startled him, and he knew his dogs would've barked their alarm if they were still alive. “So, you're haunting me after all,” L smirked into the blackness of his room.

Despite his fatigue and the early warning signs of an impending hangover, L threw off his sheets and got out of bed. The kitchen would supply him with tea, aspirin, and a surprising conversation with Souichiro Yagami, who apparently couldn't sleep either.

“To be honest I don't think I've truly slept since Light’s diagnosis,” he’d confessed when L asked if he were having insomnia too.

“Light used to make me this tea when things were really bad,” L said as he pulled a small jar from a cupboard, “Would you like a cup?”

Souichiro nodded. There was nothing else to do and maybe it would help, he thought.  As L prepared the loose, dried flowers for steeping ,  Souichiro sighed heavily and L realized he wanted to talk, but neither of them were sure where to start.

“Who would have thought we would become family after we met all those years ago?” L started fondly.

Souichiro smiled as he accepted the hot cup of tea from L, “Yes. You were this skinny, strange kid and nothing like the great L any of us had imagined. ”

L laughed quietly into his cup, “I'll be honest, you intimidated me a bit. Especially concerning your son.”

Souichiro raised his brows at that. This was new information. He laughed, “Well, I guess I can see that. I was very protective of Light and my answer to him dating an older_ man_ at the time was a pretty staunch _no.”_

“It surprised him when you confronted him about it, you know. He thought he could hide things from you,” L said.

“I know. And he tried, but I'm his _ father.  _ I know him inside and out,” he paused, “knew him..”

L smiled weakly at his father in law’s self correction.  For a moment L felt pained because while  Souichiro was right about he and Light, he never once maintained a position against his son’s innocence in the Kira case, despite it screaming at him in the face on a daily basis that Light was Kira .

“I know what you're probably thinking,”  Souichiro said after a short pause, “But I  _ did  _ know Light. I knew who he was.  What he did. It wasn't lost on me. I just couldn't save him. But I knew you could. And you did. And I think it's time I thanked you for that.”

If L's jaw could've hit the floor it would've. It took a while for him to regain composure, “Does  Sachiko know?”

“No. She never will.”

L nodded, “Did you ever tell Light you knew?”

“No. I contemplated it toward the end,  but decided not  to . I knew he regretted a lot of what he did and that it was important to him that I see him a certain way.  I didn't want him to think I lost respect for him or  that I was disappointed in him.”

L fought the tears back at the kindness  Souichiro did for he and Light ,  unbeknownst to  either of them until this moment. “Thank you ,” he finally said.

It seemed the tea was working its magic because both he and  Souichiro seemed ready to go back to bed. In a surprising moment of fatherly love,  Souichiro wrapped L in a hug, much like the way he’d hugged Light over the years . L sank into it, the shock of being embraced by the large man wearing off quickly.  “I love you L.  You’re my son, too. You always will be.”

The shock of those words did not leave L, and they wouldn't for as long as he remembered this moment. Souichiro Yagami was not much for sentimentality, and L could not even_ think_ of a time he actually_ told_ any of his family members he loved them. The only exception to that was Light as he died, the circumstances exceptional. But perhaps this was too. They were all going their separate ways tomorrow, and L didn't know when he’d see them again.  He was essentially starting his life over with no clear path, and that could mean leaving the Yagami’s behind forever. It was clear they didn't want that, and as he hugged Souichiro back, neither did he.

***

A kind of numbness fell over L and stayed with him throughout the next several days. There was much to do and none of it involved breaking down into sobbing fits. He'd walked his house one last time, stood in Timothy's doorway and sighed. And as his bare feet padded softly across the hardwoods toward the front door, he looked over his shoulder one last time and whispered his goodbye. The empty house creaked and echoed its mournful response, an almost sorry feeling drifting through the house. L wondered if the walls could speak, would they be full of regret too? Would they feel like a failure the way he did for not living up to the expectations of their dreams the day they moved in? He touched the door frame sorrowfully, knowing that only in parting from this house could they both get the second chance they needed. One day this house would be full of life again. One day it wouldn't be haunted. There would be children and laughter and happiness inside, and it would be a home once more, doing for some lucky family all the things it couldn't do for L.

A plane flight and many hours later, L now found himself back in England, its old familiarity returning to him.  Watari seemed apologetic for the size of his room, but L shrugged; he knew he was coming home to his old room and that everything was going into storage until he was back on his feet. 

Somehow, now, that felt like it wouldn't happen. As he set his bag down and turned on his lamp, he ran his hand over the comforter at the foot of the bed and felt his knees buckle. This bed held too much history. It seemed even here he couldn't escape the heart break. It was foolish of him to think he could, anyway. This was the bed they made love in on their wedding night, after all. They'd gotten married in the gardens at Wammy's that afternoon and celebrated with their friends and family well into the evening. 

There was nothing to stop their passion for each other that night. It was like a fire which consumed their souls ; it was something to get lost in,  a way to die to  themselves as they became one.  Maybe it was the simple thrill of being married, of saying forever, but L swore it was the best love they'd ever made. The high was incomparable.  They knew each other in a way that nobody else ever would. They knew each other's bodies like they knew each other's secrets, and they kept both hidden well from the rest of the world.

There was no stopping the flood of tears or the trembling as L folded himself over the bed, knees against the cold floor . “ Why didn't you get better?” he cried as he buried his face in  the bed.  “It wasn't supposed to be this way!” he beat his fists against the bed, the force of his hits  and his so b s muffled by the mattress beneath.

He stayed that way long after the crying stopped, wishing for just one more moment with Light, offering anything. Why couldn’t there be a little notebook where you could write names so people lived, he wondered. Looking up at the bed, arms trembling and weak, he pulled himself off the floor and crawled up the bed until he was lying comfortably between the pillows. He pulled out his phone and flipped through his special folder of pictures, the one he made for nights like this, which turned out to be every night.

Tracing his thumb over Light's brilliant smile and beautiful face, he hoped he would have sweet dreams about his husband that night.  Dreams where Light had hair, and his skin was a golden color, and he loved L fiercely.  Dreams where they lived in a big house and had a large family and complained about never having a moment to themselves. Where their biggest problem was a night of romance being interrupted by a crying toddler who had a night terror. As he drifted off to sleep, L swore he felt the warm, familiar embrace of his lover  surround him.

L got his wish for sweet dreams that night. The only problem with dreams is that they ended.  And when they ended, they left the dreamer confused as they entered reality again. The shock of Light’s death hit him all over again as he woke, a fresh stab of pain seizing his heart.  L contemplated lying in bed the rest of the day, possibly the rest of his life.  But the promise of coffee called to him and  Watari always kept the best stuff in the kitchen. 

It took a monumental effort, but he pulled himself from his bed and padded his barefoot way upstairs.  Watari seemed a little surprised to see him. “I would've brought you breakfast,” he'd said.

L looked over at him tiredly, “I know  Watari . Thank you. If it's alright with you,  I would like to do things myself if possible. I got used to living that way with Light and it helps, for some reason. I can't explain it.”

Watari nodded. If anyone understood what L meant, it was him.  There was something soothing about being in a routine and something that felt right, like it gave you back a modicum of control to act independently and make your own decisions. Even if those decisions were as simple as how to do your own laundry.

L took his coffee into the garden, where a cold breeze caused him to pull his robe tight and shiver. Spring was clearly on its way with how things were trying to bloom, but some of the frigid winter was overstaying its welcome. Despite the cold intrusion, L walked the stunning,  well - kept garden, looking for a good place to hang a bench swing.  Watari had already told him it was a fine idea and to pick out a location and  Watari would make it happen. 

Standing off to the side of the rose bushes, L turned and gazed upon the large, old tree in the center of it. That tree was special, being the only one in the garden. It also happened to be the tree he and Light were married under. The memory was bitter sweet now, but L couldn't think of a better place to sit and look out upon and think. He was ok with being reminded of their wedding day every day. It was the happiest day of his life, of their lives. “Until death do we part,” L mumbled, recalling their vows. He remembered repeating “in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor” hoping, like everyone does, for health and wealth and for death not to come. He was left with his money, easily the wealthiest man in the world and yet unable to buy the one thing he wanted. It was a cruel joke. Why couldn't they have been paupers who lived to 99? What he wouldn't give, he thought.

Pushing those pointless thoughts aside,  L finished his coffee, glanced around once more, then headed inside.  He needed a refill, possibly twenty. He knew the exhaustion he felt wouldn't be helped by coffee or naps. It was the kind of exhaustion that settled in your soul.  Only time and healing could do anything for it.

With a small smile upon seeing  Watari again once he was back in the manor, L said, “I know where I want the bench when you have a moment to talk about it.”

“ Perhaps after breakfast,” he nodded politely. L smiled again, suddenly feeling just a little bit hungry.

They were joined at the long, white table in the sun room which overlooked the gardens by Matt, Mello, and Near.  He was hugged and asked how he was settling in and whether or not he slept last night. The barrage of loving questions only came to an end when  Watari gently demanded it.

Eventually, Watari did turn to L with a question of his own, “I don't expect you to be ready to work for a while yet. It's up to you when you feel you can take on the task. But Near has temporarily taken on the role of L, as you know. If you want, I know Near would be glad to work beside you when or if you decide to return to it.” He paused and Near nodded silently, a small, appreciative smile on his lips. “If you feel you cannot be L anymore, we understand. There's opportunity to teach a class here, and your expertise is invaluable, L. It's just an idea. Again, there's no pressure.”

L thought about it. He'd never considered teaching before. “What would I teach?”

“How to break the law for your benefit and get away with it 101,” Mello smirked. He, Matt, and L all laughed while Near snickered quietly and  Watari rolled his eyes.

“ Falling in love with your suspects, an ethics class,” Matt grinned. L blushed as he laughed and Mello lost his mind, wiping tears from his eyes.  Watari actually cracked a smile at that one and Near laughed audibly.

The two jokesters rolled out a few more mock class titles before  Watari told them, “Enough,”. It wasn't harsh or irritated.  Watari’s feathers were rarely ruffled in that way. No, it was calm yet commanding. He'd always held the respect of his students at  Wammy's , no matter how old they were.

“I could teach a class about Kira, and how we caught him.  How the supernatural affects what it means to be a detective now that we're aware of its existence. A class like that would give our students a great advantage, as the rest of the world still doesn't know that Kira had supernatural abilities,” L finally said.

Everyone agreed. The idea was smart, but it wasn't like they expected anything less from L.  Watari nodded, “The new semester starts in August. I don't know if that's enough time for you. Just let me know and I'll put the class on the roster. It sounds like something seniors would be signing up for, correct?”

L nodded, “Yes, I can't see it being a basic course. They would need a strong foundation in, well, everything.” L paused, his fingers holding the spoon to his yogurt parfait as he took the last bite, “ August is five months away. That sounds like enough time in theory, but I honestly don't know for sure. Perhaps having that as a goal and something to prepare for will help me heal. Sometimes distractions are good.”

Watari nodded in agreement, glad to see L was so open to the idea of teaching. He was so _ different _ now, forever changed by his experiences with Light, and  Watari was grateful. Being in a loving relationship like that and learning to sacrifice and grow made L complete and mature in ways  Watari couldn't provide in a school setting. He saw much of the same growth in Matt and Mello upon finding each other. 

He would never say anything to L, but Matt and Mello had put their own plans to move out of  Wammy’s and buy a house and start a family of their own on hold for their brother’s sake. They knew L would need them and they didn't want to be preoccupied with moving or other things during the worst season of their brother’s life.  Now that L was safe at  Wammy’s where he could heal in peace, surrounded by those who love him,  Watari knew the boys would move on. He knew L would eventually realize the timing was not coincidental, and he wondered if it would cause L to feel guilty.  Hopefully L would simply more fully understand the depths of his family’s love for him,  Watari thought.

Near’s phone buzzed and he blushed hard as he looked to see who was calling. “I, uh, have to take this. Excuse me,” he announced as he hopped down from the table and left the room.

L was surprised, and Mello picked up on his brother’s curious look, “It's  Sayu ,” he said softly in case Near could hear, “They've been talking everyday for a while now.  He hasn't outright told any of us what's going on. I think he's embarrassed or something.”

L smiled brightly, thinking back to when they helped clean his house together and he noticed how _ bad _ Near had it for her. “She's too good for him, that's why. I bet he's waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“Why do you say that?”  Watari asked, clearing the dishes.

“Because that's how I felt about Light ,” L smiled, heart clenching just a little at the fond memories.  “I knew he was too good for me. Too pure. ”

“Uh, wasn’t he a secret mass murderer?”

“MELLO!” Matt rarely corrected Mello, but when he did, the blond haired fireball shrank, an apologetic look on his face as he looked down.

“Kira was, not Light. The power of the notebook possesses and corrupts you. When he was without it, he was someone else entirely. He was himself, and I loved him.” L had a dreamy look in his eyes like he was remembering something fantastic and private, a moment only the two of them would ever share. Nobody would ever know the secret that Light actually maintained his possession of the Death Note and all his memories. He and L had agreed on it together. There was too much history there, too much L would have to keep hidden from him if he gave it up. So Light had Ryuk hide it from him, and as time passed, the notebook seemed to have a weaker and weaker grasp on him as he and L's love grew stronger and stronger. 

After Light died, the  Shinigammi disappeared entirely. L figured he went back to his world. He didn't get a chance to ask Light what the plan was with the book. But he trusted Light. He knew Light wouldn't let something bad come of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love hearing from readers. Please comment. :D


	14. Happy Birthday, L

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L begins teaching and a student gives him a run for his money. An unusual birthday present from Light arrives that rocks his world.

Spring was in full bloom and L was excited to try out his new bench swing.  He'd been at  Wammy’s two months, and while each day presented a new struggle, he was enjoying writing a text book for the class he plan n ed to teach that August. It opened old wounds and some painful memories to go back over the case files and refresh his memory.  Looking at that old picture of 17 year old Light had caused a monumental meltdown initially.  He felt overcome by a wave of depression for a few weeks after that and all his work was paused.  Watari helped drag him out of bed those days, his firm but gentle reminder that L couldn't just lay down and die . 

L decided to cut the picture out and stick it in a frame by his bedside.  It was the first picture he'd ever seen of Light, the first moment of feeling struck by something foreign and intense . And now, as it sat beneath his lamp on his nightstand, it would be the last picture he saw each night. Eventually, it became a sweet reminder of where the greatest love he'd ever known began, a love he knew had no real ending.

Summer brought a sticky heat that L never really found a way to enjoy quite like Light did. He remembered sweaty kisses from Light after he'd come in from cutting the grass or trimming the hedges. The smell of fresh cut grass upon his wet frame.  He'd chase L around the house, demanding a hug and a kiss in his filthy condition until L was cornered and forced to concede.  He laughed at the memory,  glad to be approaching a place where he could sometimes feel this way. 

It embarrassed him when his anger got the better of him, however. While L was aware these feelings were simply a part of the healing process, he hated losing control. He also hated having to replace his computer _ again  _ because he smashed it. 

By July, his textbook was complete and in the process of being published. He'd developed a syllabus and had most of the coursework completed. Light would have been proud of him , he knew.  Light would've also been able to quell his nerves as the first day of the new semester approached.  L thought it was silly, how nervous he felt. And yet the feelings were still there. “You'll be with me tomorrow, right?” he asked the picture on his nightstand. 

In his vivid imagination, Light appeared before him and held his hands as he pressed a reassuring kiss to L's forehead. “Yes,” he whispered.

L was not a fan of his 4am wake up call.  The grogginess he felt was more likely from the extra strength  chamomile tea he drank than the limited amount of sleep he actually got. The coffee couldn't brew fast enough.  It was strange to him to work a job that required a specific schedule. His investigations had never been so restrictive. It would take some getting used to, he figured. 

L looked himself over in the mirror and sighed. Light would've thought it was cute that he’d started needing reading glasses, the thin black frames a compliment to his pale skin. Complete with a dark leather shoulder bag to house all his papers, compliments of Watari, L thought he almost looked like he fit the part. “Professor Lawliet-Yagami,” he smiled to himself. To save the students the trouble of remembering his long name, he'd signed on as professor Yagami. Light would've liked that, too.

His nerves quickly dissipated as he claimed his seat at the front of the classroom. On the giant green chalk board behind him, he wrote his name.  Then he assumed his usual crouch in his chair behind his giant oak desk, to - go mug of coffee on one side, his shoulder bag on the other. 

As students filtered in, he received many strange looks as he figured would happen. If he’d learned anything from Light, it was that these situations were best dealt with head on. Once the room was full, he stood to close the door to the classroom and began handing out the syllabus. As the stack of papers made its way around the room, he approached the board and picked up the chalk, announcing, “I am professor Yagami and this is Capturing Kira: a look into how the supernatural changed the world. Please check that you're in the correct class. You should also know two things about me, and I'll write them on the board,” L made his way over to where he'd written his name and wrote a ”1” under it. “I want to get the truth out before rumors are spread throughout the school. First, I have autism. I sit funny, I hold things funny, and sometimes I'm rude. You'll learn not to take offense. The second thing you should know is that I am the original L. I know some of you suspected that already, so, good job on your deductive reasoning.” An audible gasp spread through the room and L smiled. It seemed most of the students were flattered or shocked that L_ himself_ was teaching their class.

L had two classes to teach twice a week for two hours each. Aside from the early mornings and monotony of grading papers, it wasn't a bad deal.  There were a few students who shined above the rest, and one  frustratingly talented young woman who always seemed distracted and bored and yet she never failed to get a perfect score on anything.

One day after class she knocked on his office door, asking to see him. He offered her a seat and for the first time realized how stunningly beautiful she was. She had dark hair and piercing green eyes, her accent slight.  She’d come to  Wammy's a little later in life, he recalled. She was a special case, brought in only because of her exceptional intellect and because she constantly duped those around her. She’d swindled a classmate out of his brand new car somehow, but looking at  her now L thought it must've been a combination of intelligence and sex appeal. She was gorgeous.

“Yes? What is it?” L asked, curious as to what could possibly bring her in.

“ If I may be so bold, professor, I have a confession to make. I've read your textbook entirely and even read all of what was available to the public about the Kira case ,” she paused, trying to read him.

“Is your point to tell me  you’re a kiss up ?” L was tired and short on patience.

She picked up on that, “I'll get straight to the point, sir. I've figured out that your late husband was in fact the first Kira and you covered it up, pinning the blame on someone else entirely. ”

L held his poker face, wondering if she were attempting to blackmail him and if Mello was interested in coming out of retirement for a bit. “ Very interesting theory, Miss…?”

“Jay.”

“Miss Jay. ” He sat up a little straighter, locking eyes with her for a moment. The tension was building in the room, “I'll excuse you this one time because somehow you seem to simply not know how disrespectful I find it for people to speak of my dead husband when they didn't know him. But I will not excuse it again. ”

Her eyes narrowed a bit, a thrill shooting through her at the underlying anger in her professor’s voice. Uncaring over his warning, she continued, “I can only imagine how many laws you broke trying to save him-“

“Enough!” L slammed his fist on the desk top and stood, “Who do you think you are? If you value your enrollment in this school, you'll drop this nonsense now!” What he really meant was  _ if you value your life _ , but he couldn't openly threaten her like that.

She smiled in a way L had never seen before. It was seductive and alluring , and as she reached out for his trembling hand, he did not stop her. “I am nobody,  _ L,”  _ her use of his real name a power play. Students were forbidden to use his real name. But the  way she said it made him want to listen to her say it again, scream ing it while he fucked her over his desk.

She had stepped around his desk and was invading his space before he realized what was happening. They were now inches apart,  and he felt bewitched by the fire he saw dancing in her eyes. She parted her pouty red lips just slightly, and L lowered his eyes,  appraising her body. He slipped his free hand behind her neck and brought his mouth to her ear,  whispering, “ I'm not a fan of being someone's conquest. I'll pass.” With that he removed his hand from her neck, pulled his other hand out from under hers on the desk, grabbed his things, and left. She stood breathless as he stormed out.  Nobody had _ ever _ turned her down before, and she wanted him even more now.

L went straight to find Mello. Well, first he stopped in his room to relieve his straining erection, cursing himself and feeling disgusting for his reaction to the student.  He felt like Light would've been horribly disappointed in  him. It was in that moment L realized he was a man just like any other, and he had needs. Needs he'd been denying since his husband passed away.

Mello met him in  Watari's private study, where they could talk in private. L had already helped himself to the old man's bourbon by the time Mello arrived.

“Damn, man. That bad?”

“Yeah,” L said. He explained what had happened with the student and the shameful act which followed.

“But you didn't fuck her,” Mello reasoned. “That shit would get you fired. Do you want  her removed from your class?”

“ Is it strange i f I say no? Is it horrible of me to say that I _ want _ her to seduce me ? That I want to have a secret, torrid affair regardless of whether it ruins my career?”

“I mean, no. It's exactly what you did with Light. You're simply repeating a behavior pattern that's normal for you,” Mello explained.

L hadn't thought of it like that. “Oh,” he said quietly, “ Light’s only been gone for  7 months. It's too soon for me to date again.”

“Then don't date. Don't get involved in anything serious. But there's no reason you can't fuck around,” Mello suggested.  “I just recommend _ not _ fucking the students.”

L laughed, “I wasn’t planning on it.”

He considered his conversation with his brother long after it was over . He knew by now Jay was in  Watari's office, being reprimanded harshly. She would be removed from his class and in danger of being kicked out of the school.  Watari made no idle threat when he let her know that should she utter another word about her ridiculous accusations against L ever again, she would be permanently silenced.  Word throughout the school was she was last seen running from his office in tears.

The news didn't make L feel any better. And Mello's suggestion to whore around didn't appeal to him either.  Maybe the time to open himself up to the possibility of dating was upon him.  However, the more he thought about being intimate with another person the more fearful he felt about it. Only Light had  ever known him that way. What if he brought a guy home and he asked about his tattoo?  Talk about a mood killer. And what if the sex was bad?  What if he broke down in the middle of it because he felt like he was cheating on his late husband? None of that sounded  appealing and L felt like giving up before he even started.

It was awkward for L, being in this rebound state but not really having a way to resolve it except allow time to pass.  To make matters worse, his birthday was coming up. He was turning 37. He hated to think that he was almost 40 and had nil to show for it.  He had  to start his career over, had no  husband, no family, no house. All the things he had set out to accomplish for himself had crumbled before him into dust.  Looking back, it all happened so quickly too.  He marveled with fear at how little control one actually had over their own life.

That evening, on his way back to his room from  his long and strange day , L noticed a package had been delivered. It sat neatly outside his door, an envelope taped to the top of it with no return address.  Expecting the box to be heavy due to its size, L was a bit relieved to find it was just slightly awkward to carry  due to its size but light weight otherwise.

Curious, he set the box on the bed and tore the envelope from  the top of the box, opening it quickly but with care. Inside was a hand written letter and L nearly fell over as he immediately recognized the hand writing.  Hands trembling to the point of uselessness, L dropped the letter and covered his mouth to stifle his cry.  After a few deep breaths and closing his eyes to bring himself down, L picked the paper up off the floor and sat on the bed next to the box.  With one final deep breath, he began reading.

“ _ Dear L, _

_This letter and the gift I bought you should arrive to you on your 37__th_ _birthday. It's going to be your first birthday without me, and I have to admit that is a strange feeling for me. __I had planned on being there for all your birthdays well into your 90’s, when you're a grumpy old hermit who has everything so there's really nothing left to get you.” _L paused his reading to laugh at that bit and wipe his eyes under his glasses, _“__But that isn't the case with us, and I’m sorry. __I'm sorry I have to leave you. There are so many things we didn't get to do._ _My hope is that this gift is taken in the spirit it is intended__, which is to__ give you hope for your future again.__ I leave everything up to you; I won't be offended if you never use this gift the way it is intended. __I just hope you see what a bright future you have ahead of you, and that you know I'll always Love you and I'll always be with you._

_ Love, Light” _

The letter left L with more questions he hoped opening the box would answer. Drying his eyes, he set the now tear stained letter aside and pulled the box into his lap. The tape was easy enough to peel off, and at first L felt confused. There was another envelope inside, sitting on top of a cute yellow stuffed giraffe. Under the giraffe were baby clothes. They were brand new and adorable and exactly the kind of thing Light would've picked out. They were all gender neutral, and L started shaking again as he put together the plan he thought Light might've come up with.  _ That sneaky bastard _ , he thought.

The letter was from a fertility clinic,  explaining that his husband had left several viable samples with them and paid in full for indefinite storage.  Folded with the letter was a second letter from Light, explaining that he'd made sure  to do this during one of his  longer stints in remission so the chemo didn't affect fertility.  He apologized for the deception, explaining that his family was in on it and helped him do it so L didn't suspect anything.

Light’s letter ended by saying,  _ “ _ _ Please don't feel pressured to do this if you don't want to.  _ _ I know that by now, you're living a new life with new priorities, and the desire to start a family may be in the past for you.  _ _ I simply wanted to give you a final gift _ _ that would last a lifetime, since I won't be there for yours. _ _ ” _

L fell to pieces, sobbing shamelessly into the box, all over the letters and stuffed animal and baby clothes.  He held it to his heaving chest, breathing in the smell of cotton and cardboard.  _ Of course _ he still wanted a family.  It overwhelmed him to think that he could have Light’s children after all; they could still have a family together. 

The only hitch to this plan was that L knew he didn't want to be a single father. He didn't think he was cut out for that, even if he remained at  Wammy’s and had  Watari to support him and hired a nanny. It just seemed too overwhelming.  _ That bastard knew I would feel this way,  _ L thought. Light planned this all out, knowing it would further obligate L to find a new partner so he wasn’t alone.  He smiled; it seemed Light was still playing games with him, even after death.  L wondered momentarily if Light’s plotting went any further than this, deciding that it would be impossible.  _ He's not God, regardless of what he thought of himself.  _ But L had a sneaking suspicion that Light had set more than one trap, would play more than one game.  It did give him hope to think that. It was a hallmark of their relationship,  playing games and one-upping each other.  For the first time since Light died, L felt a small flicker of excitement. He felt as though there might be a puzzle to solve.  He smiled, the now foreign feeling of happiness flickering to life inside him. Maybe there was a life for him after Light’s death after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneaky Light is STILL trying to ensure L's happiness from beyond the grave. Hopefully L gets that happy ending. He definitely deserves it.


	15. The New Kira

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone, meet Yoake. Yoake, everyone. Now, y'all play nice.

L twirled in his chair and huffed as he bit into a macaron. Near silently worked beside him, his presence a comfort in the silent office. He only gave his brother occasional sidelong glances, thinking of possibly saying something but changing his mind every time. Near wasn’t much for conversation anyway, not like Light had been.

L stopped his spinning and lurched forward, shuffling papers frantically to try and keep from breaking down. He had to figure out how to stop doing this to himself.  It  had eventually driven him insane, not solving cases. He'd left teaching after a year, passing his class down to a capable teacher that  Watari hired. A former student who’d graduated with honors despite having a rocky start with L.  Jay did a fine job with his students, and she was honored to take over for him. She actually turned out to be a fine young lady once  Watari straightened her out.

B ut now that he was back to his old job, it felt impossible to battle all the ways it reminded him of his husband. Sometimes he swore he heard a chain clink or thought he heard the echo of Light’s voice asking if he wanted another cup of coffee. A few times, L almost responded.  When he was stuck on a problem or at a dead end, he found himself asking what Light would do.  _ It'll get easier,  _ he told himself. It was probably a lie.

“Hey, check this out,”  Near casually rasped as he handed L a print out,  purposefully ignoring L's near emotional  breakdown. As L looked the paper over, Near continued, “ Notice the pattern the murders take on. And notice how the time frames in which the murders take place indicate…”

“A student,” L interrupted, almost breathless. He felt his heart jump, almost creating a lump in his throat. “Do we have a list of suspects?”

With a smirk,  Near slid a pile of papers L's way, “Of course we do.”

L rifled through them quickly, stopping on a picture of a rather striking young man. He was well dressed and beautiful, exuding a kind of perfectly mixed arrogance and grace. “Li-,” L began to whisper as he stared at the picture, but stopped himself. Scanning the rest of the document, he found a name, “Yoake Yamamoto, eh?” He laughed under his breath, utterly tickled at the way fate seemed weave in and out of his life like a tide. _They named him after the dawn. Another variation of light._

“Well?” Near asked in an almost disinterested tone.

“It's definitely him,” L pointed at  Yoake's picture without looking away from it. “He’s not a student, however. He's a teacher.”  _ At Light’s old high school, too. What a coincidence… _

“You’re sure it's him ?” Near didn't sound convinced.

“I'm sure,” L whispered.

Near rolled his eyes. It wasn't that he thought L was wrong; L was never wrong. It was that familiar look in his eyes. That look that said this would be a game, a conquest. It told Near that he was in for a long, frustrating  investigation that could probably be solved quickly yet L would drag it out.  “You plan on chaining yourself to this one too?”

L shot his brother a dirty look, “So what if I do?”

Near sighed as he pushed himself up from his chair, “I'm going to need a lot more coffee then. ”

L watched Near disappear into the other room for a moment before turning back to the file. “ Yoake ,” he whispered again, enjoying the way the name rolled off his tongue.  “ I can't wait to meet you. ” L hoped that  Yoake would be at least half as fun as Light had been. He smiled as he remembered the past and for the  second time since Light died, felt hope about the future.

“ Let’s book a flight to Japan,” L called to  Near as he poured coffee in the other room, “This  w ay you can visit  Sayu , too. Kill two  birds with one stone.” L secretly loved the idea of being back in Japan. He hadn't seen his in laws since the holidays.

There was a crashing sound from the other room and L swore he heard Near whisper, “Shit!” Under his breath. It seemed L's suggestion caught him off guard, and he laughed under his breath.  A flushed, embarrassed looking Near reappeared, attempting to hide behind his mug and failing. “Sounds good,” he mumbled. “I'll book it today. Do you want to use the old HQ?” 

L thought about it for a moment. “Sure,” he said, “We should see if Souichiro Yagami wants to put a team together. I'll give him a call today.” L smiled to himself as he turned away from Near, hoping the old man would say yes, if only for old times sake.

***

One evening not particularly different from all the rest,  Yoake Yamamoto was relaxing,  furiously eating a dinner he’d quickly prepared after a rather strenuous work out at the gym.  He'd been going at it hard lately only because the break up had really hurt him and this was how he coped.  Yoake wasn’t the kind of guy to eat his feelings in a tub of ice cream or sleeve of cookies, and he wasn't sure how he felt about those who did. They certainly weren't worthy of the wrath of Kira or anything , and depending on the trauma, perhaps some of them were justified. 

Turning the TV on to watch the evening news as he cleared his plate,  Yoake hoped the news would name a criminal worthy of being written down tonight.  Only certain types of criminals were killed because he wanted to send a strong message to L. He wondered if L was picking up what he was putting down. Surely he did.

The plates in the sink clattered loudly as they hit the metal sink. Yoake wasn't usually a clumsy person, but when he heard, “The Detective L is expected to return to Japan with a team sometime in the next month to investigate what is believed to be the_ first_ legitimate Kira since he apprehended the original over a decade ago,” announced by the female news anchor, he thought_ he_ would have a heart attack.

“No way!” He  immediately turned from his chore and wiped his hands, running to stand in front of the television and watch.

“ Let's take a look back on his first investigation,” she said as old pictures came up on the screen, old interviews,  cut scenes from the time the second Kira went around killing TV personalities.  Yoake found it in such poor taste, hoping he would never need to stoop to such levels. 

The broadcast continued by talking about how the general public lost faith in L when the twelve FBI agents died. At that time, growing support for Kira shot through the roof, and threats against L's life were coming in by the hundreds.

Yoake balled his fists at that, wishing he knew who those people were. L was essential to Kira, didn't they know that? The news anchor went on to speculate that L was a woman because Chief Yagami’s son, who helped with the investigation, disappeared with L upon the close of the case. A source close to the family said the two had fallen in love during the course of the investigation and got married in secret at an undisclosed location. “Light Yagami died of cancer in March of 2017\. He was 31 years old.”

The male newscaster looked over at his partner and said, “Very sad. We lost one of the great minds of our time when we lost him.”

She nodded in agreement, “Yes,  we certainly did. That concludes tonight's broadcast. As always,  have a goodnight and remember, Kira is watching.”

The broadcast left Yoake with a sense of sadness. Not because no criminals were announced, but because of how devastating it must've been for L to lose Light like that. He hoped his little games would distract L from that pain. With a sad smile, Yoake returned to the dishes in the kitchen sink, thinking about L and hoping they would get to meet. It thrilled him to no end to know L would be so close. There would be no sleep for him that night, he knew. He was far too excited. Perhaps he could send a message the way the second Kira had for kicks and giggles? Welcome the detective to Japan? He smiled to himself, thinking what fun it would be to tease the detective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do we think of the new Kira?


	16. Back to Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near and L return to Japan to begin properly investigating Yoake as the New Kira. They stay with the Yagami's and Light's old bedroom brings up some feelings.

Sachiko was a wreck as she raced around the house triple checking that everything in their house was spotless.  She’d been baking cookies, cakes and pies since that morning,  lost in the excitement of the news that her _ son _ was almost there.

Souichiro reached out and gently caught his wife's arm, “Hey,” he said softly as he pulled her into his arms, “ Everything looks great. Everything smells great. Please, relax before he gets here.”

Sachiko smiled as she kissed her husband, “You know I won't be able to sit still until he's actually here.”

Sighing his resignation, he dropped his arms, “I know. I tried.”

Their second kiss was interrupted by the door bell and Sayu shouting she would get the door. As they turned to face their front door, they both smiled fondly at the messy head of dark hair trying to subdue a squealing Sayu. “Let them in, Sayu!” Souichiro called with a laugh. 

Finally moving back into the house, Sachiko was able to hug her son at last , “Oh, I've missed you, L.”

Breathing in her motherly scent, L replied, “I've missed you as well, mom.”

In their home, L and Souichiro were far beyond that of a formal hand shake, and the old bear embraced L lovingly as well. Near made his shy way through the family as well, already grafted in thanks to his older brother. Sayu wouldn't leave Near’s side, and Souichiro kept a watchful eye on the two of them, though he needn't with how bashful Near truly was.

“Dinner is ready. I hope you came hungry,” Sachiko said.

L had missed her cooking, “Oh, yes! Starved!”

Sayu and Near held hands under the table as they ate. L found the pair nauseatingly adorable, and  k new  Souichiro would give Near a hard time like he had L. But L also knew it would just be for kicks, and silently he’d get to laugh at his awkward brother.

After dinner, L ate more than his fair share of desserts. So much so that he was too full to crouch ; instead , he laid himself out flat on the living room floor and grumbled his comp lim ents to the chef.  Sayu and Near sat outside on the front porch for a long time talking. About what, L couldn't fathom. He wasn't sure what the hell those  two had in common. Though, on the surface it always appeared he and Light had nothing in common either. He shrugged and lifted himself from the floor. It was time to drag the lovesick boy inside and go to bed.

The  Yagami's had given them Light’s room, and while they were grateful for the hospitality, it definitely drudged up some old feelings in L. When he flicked the light on and stepped inside, it were as though time itself had stopped. He thought maybe, just _ maybe _ he could call out  Ryuk's name and he'd appear. 

“I'm taking the air mattress ,” Near announced. L just looked at him, “I'm pretty sure you and Light had sex in that bed, so that’s all you.”

L laughed loudly, not expecting those words to ever come out of Near , and definitely not in that order. “Well, you're not wrong,” L winked, and Near grimaced. L sat on the bed, still smiling wide.  _ Since we're on the subject _ , “Have you and  Sayu …?” He whispered as low as possible.

If it were possible for Near to turn any shade whiter than he currently was, he would have. “L!” He whisper-yelled, fists balled.

“Well?”  _ Come on, Nate. You're a consenting adult. Tell me you're not a 25 year old virgin. _

Near looked around as though someone might be listening. They were clearly alone. With a huff and  an eye roll, “Ok fine. Yes. Are you happy?”

“No!” L leaned forward on the bed, “I need details. Not too many though, because, gross.”

“What kind of details?”

“I don't know, like, when did it first happen?  How long has it been going on? That kind of thing,” L was smiling stupidly now.

Near  sat cross legged on the floor, “Ugh, ok fine. Before Light died.  We had gotten really close through that whole ordeal and, I don't know, we just found ourselves with serious feelings for each other.”  Near stopped and narrowed his eyes, “I can't believe I'm telling you all this.”

“What? I'm your big brother. You should be able to tell me things. ” L said . Near looked guilty all of a sudden and looked away. “What? What is it? Tell me.”

“ Alright,” When Near looked back at him, he seemed dismayed, a glint of sadness in his eyes. “ After Light passed, we…we had a scare.”

“Scare? Like a pregnancy scare?”

“Yes.”

“False alarm?”

“Not exactly,” Near rubbed his arm with his other hand and looked around the room  as though he'd find the words out there somewhere, “She lost the baby. ”

“Oh,” L could feel it coming, his own loss reaching up to grab him by the throat. With tears, he looked to Near with new eyes, “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You were going through so much already. I couldn't put my pain on you like that.” Real tears fell from Nate’s eyes, a rarity L had only seen a few times when they were children.

“But I know what it’s like to lose a child, Near,” L said as he crawled off the bed and hugged his brother hard. “Tell me  Watari knew.”

“Yes, he helped me,” Near said. “I wouldn't have gotten through it without him. ”

L nodded and pulled away , feeling better knowing  Watari was there for him.  “Do Sachiko and  Souichiro know?”

“Sachiko does, but  Souichiro just thinks she got real sick for a while. He doesn't know the details. Sachiko told him it was 'female in nature’, which is true, and he didn't want to know any more.”

L smiled.  _ What a clever woman _ _ . Can't say I'm surprised _ _ .  _ “It would've broken him, Near.  I remember thinking we were going to lose him too when Timothy died. He might be a very big, very intimidating man but he _ loves _ children.”

Near nodded, wiping his tears away, “I want to marry her,” he finally said, small smile creeping up his face.

L nodded as he sat back and loosely placed an arm over his knees, “Now this I saw coming. When do you plan to ask?”

“I'm not sure, but I don't think during the New Kira  investigation is a good time. I won't be available to help her plan a wedding or anything. She graduates law school in a year. I thought maybe we'd have the guy by then, right?”

“Sooner than that, with any luck,” L could feel butterflies well in his stomach as he talked about him.  He couldn't _ wait _ to meet  Yoake . Shaking off the thoughts before they went any further,  he yawned and stretched, “Well, I'm going to _ try _ and sleep. I'm excited for you, Near. I really am.  Marriage can be a lot of fun. Sometimes when we're young we think of it like shackles that restrain us. But it’s not. It's like a seatbelt which keeps us safe.”

“Is that going to be your speech at my wedding?” Near asked, cheeky smile.

L threw a pillow at him, “That's the last time I give you my advice for free!”

Near laughed as he swatted the pillow away. They both settled down in their respective beds and cut off the lights. Near had always found sleeping relatively easy, and tonight was no exception.  As his brother softly snored, L found that sleep evaded him. The bed was warmer the last time he was in it.  And yes, he and Light had fun trying not to get caught screwing in his bed. The damn thing creaked so loud it was a wonder the entire neighborhood didn't know. 

L breathed in the soft pillows, and they smelled exactly the way he remembered. As he finally drifted off, dreams mixed with memories and he was with Light once more. They were both hot and sweaty, slick against each other's skin. Light had placed his hand over L's mouth to stifle his screams as he climaxed, all control completely lost. Their only hope for not being overheard was the tv droning on in the background. 

They had moved from the bed  to the floor where Light decided to plunder him with a ferocity he wasn't entirely ready for. The covering of his mouth was necessary.  He wasn't sure how he'd explain the rug burns on both his knees. Perhaps he’d stick to wearing pants this summer. 

As they lie on the floor in the afterglow, L remembers this is a dream. He turns to Light and cups his beautiful face, “I love you so much,” he whispers.

“I love you too, but why do you look sad?” Light asks as he wipes away a tear.

“ Because you're gone from me,” L manages through  broken breathing.

Light draws him close and kisses him, “I'm right here. I'm right here baby. I'm with you…”

L woke up to a puddle of tears and a wet face.  He couldn't stop himself from sobbing.  Like a wound that just wouldn't close, the flood gates opened and he felt his very life draining from him.

“L?”  His carrying on had woken up Near, who now stood by the bed.

L rolled over to face him, his face twisted in agony, “I'm sorry,” he whispered.

Near crawled under the covers and held his brother as he cried. “Don't be,” he said. “ Don't be.”

“He was in my dream,” L sniffled as he clung to Near.

“ Nightmare?”

“No, actually. It was a good dream. But that's the problem, isn't it? It was _just_ a dream.” L explained. Near didn't have words for L in that moment. He felt his brother’s intense sadness, wishing he could take it from him. All he could do was stroke his back and hope he found some comfort. L took a deep breath and continued, “It's been almost two years, Nate. When am I going to get over him?”

Near laughed quietly, a touch of sadness tainting it, “You're not, L. You'll never 'get over’ Light. He was your husband. He was everything to you.” Near pulled back from L a bit so he could look at him. He'd calmed a good bit, so Near felt he could say this, “I don't think I'm alone in believing I needed to be prepared for you to die when he did. There have been cases where people literally lay down and die when they lose someone like you did. I may not have much experience in matters of the heart, but I _know_ what you had with Light was intense, deep, and rare. You’re never going to lose that love for him. That part is forever, L.”

L's eyes shined as he stared at Nate.  Who was this man with such wise words? Certainly it wasn't  _ his _ little brother.  “When did you grow up and become a respectable man, Near?”

They both snickered quietly at the joke but Near replied seriously, “ I don't think a family can go through what we've been through and _ not _ change and grow.  I know sometimes you feel alone, but you're not. We all lost Light and Timothy.  I miss them too.”  Near's voice began to wobble as he continued, “ Sometimes I wonder what Timothy would be like now. How he would've grown, changed. What his interests would be. ”

L wiped away fresh tears, “He would've been  ten this year .  Wow,” L paused to imagine an almost teenage  Timothy,  “I would've worried he’d be an outcast like me while hoping he was popular like Light .” 

“ What's being a father like?”

L smiled at Near, the innocence in his brother’s voice clenching his heart, “It's pretty great.  You change a lot. Worry a lot. Think you're screwing it up a lot.  Children have a lot to offer, a lot to teach us if we're willing to learn. ” He paused a moment, soft smile on his lips, “You'll do great, Near. ”

Near blushed a bit as he smiled. Curious, he asked, “Are you going to try having kids again, ever? ”

L shrugged against the pillow, “A lot has to happen before that does.  I would have to find somebody new and be ready for a relationship. Which I’m not even  _ close. _ ”

“I don't know, L. This  Yoake guy seems just your type,” Near teased.

L laughed, “Yeah he's pretty stunning.  But he's probably going to prison for life, so…”

“That didn't happen to Light.”

“Light was different. Besides,  Yoake would have to be gay, attracted to me, willing to give up insane amounts of power provided he's _ actually _ Kira, and want to start a family. ” L sighed, “We’ll probably all get struck by lightning  while simultaneously winning the lottery before all that happens.”

“Well, maybe this will encourage you,” Near said, propping himself up on his elbow, “I started digging into him a little more after you said you were certain it's him.  And for a  33 year old single man with good looks and a strong career, don't you find it odd that he doesn't have a girlfriend or wife?”

“He doesn't?” This was news to L.

“Nope.  And furthermore, he was very close with a guy 'friend’ until recently.  His behavior changed and they stopped hanging out.” L just stared at Near blankly, “L, they broke up!  He was in a secret relationship with him. He's gay!”

“Eh, that doesn't really prove anything. They might have legitimately been just friends.”

“Who had sleep overs? Please, L.”

L tried to hide his smile but Near knew the possibility excited L.  They both decided it was time to get some sleep while they still could. The  Yagami's were all early risers so at this point it would be very little sleep indeed. L turned over and closed his eyes, but his imagination ran wild with possibilities concerning  Yoake .  Eventually L drifted off, dreaming of meeting the man he crushed on like a school girl, giddy excitement  derailing him entirely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love it when you comment. It is so exciting to hear from readers and it spurs me on to keep creating.


	17. So It Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The old team gets back together. L visits he and Light's old room at HQ and enjoys some memories.

Morning came all too soon, and both he and Near awoke bleary eyed and exhausted. The conversation they had the night before was invaluable, however. Neither would change it for the world. 

Breakfast consisted of muffins with L's coffee and aspirin. He supposed sobbing half the night then not sleeping well for the rest of  i t _ would _ give a person a head ache.

“Are you alright, dear?”  Sachiko asked, a little more worry in her voice than was called for. It was to be expected, though. One of the first signs everyone missed with Light was how he'd started getting progressively worse head aches.

“Oh, yes, I will be. I just didn't sleep well is all.” He held her hand gently, trying to reassure her.  _ Don't worry, you won't lose me too.  _

“ Was Light’s old bed uncomfortable?”  Souichiro asked.

“No, it was fine. Please, I'm fine. You both know I never sleep right,” he smiled slightly at them and they conceded, realizing that yes, this was just how L was. Silently, L sighed, relieved. He'd grown up without parents but having them now was both great and a pain. If asked, however, he’d say he loved them and they were perfect. 

After breakfast, the three men packed up and made their way to HQ. While L had he and Light's old room at HQ, he'd agreed to stay with the  Yagami's unless the investigation took up too much of his time to justify the travel. In the back of his mind he hoped that wouldn't become the case, but he also knew how he was. This case could easily consume him.

The first thing he did after dropping off his bag and booting up the computers in the main office was visit he and Light's old room . Many of the other floors were being leased  out to other businesses, so the building was occupied and quite busy; a stark contrast to the first investigation. Thankfully, this only really meant waiting a little longer for the elevator and potentially running into someone in the lobby. The heavy traffic and multiple businesses within HQ actually made it so they could do their investigation  in plain sight and yet still remain hidden. Nobody would think twice of another business setting up shop in the building.

Removing the key card from his pocket, L felt memories wash over him as he heard the familiar beep and click of the door opening and pushed his way through it.  Nothing had changed. The bedding was neatly made, dishes organized and stacked the way Light l i ked them in the kitchen cupboards. Even the closet still held some of their old clothes.  L ran his hand along the sleeve of Light’s cream colored fleece winter coat. It no longer smelled like him, but it felt the same. 

The bathroom even had a few of their leftover toiletries, including a cologne Light used to wear. L thought the smell of it was intoxicating, and it reminded him of going on secret dates in those early days of their relationship.  He blushed and laughed when he came across an old bottle of lube that was half gone. 

They had intended on coming back for the rest of their things eventually. It just didn't happen that way.  Initially they thought they would take on more cases and use this floor as a second home, but Timothy came along and that was the end of that.

In a moment driven more by emotion and sentimentality than sense,  L brought the cologne over to the closet. Unleashing the masculine scent upon Light’s old coat, L pulled it off its hanger and put it on. The sleeves were just a touch too long, the body too big by maybe two inches .  L walked into the bedroom and crawled onto the bed, the coat alone warm enough to keep him cozy.  Lying there surrounded by the familiar scent and warmth, L closed his eyes and gave himself over to  the nap he so desperately needed. The New Kira could wait just a few more hours; this was important.

It wasn't long before a knock at the door was interrupting L's pleasant dream. With a snort, L wiped his mouth of drool and stood to answer the door. Halfway off the bed he realized his pants were wet and uncomfortable. “What the?” A rush of embarrassment came over him as he kicked his soiled pants and boxers off, hoping beyond hope there were some old clothes of his in the drawers of their old dresser.

“Are you ok, L?” Near asked as he knocked again.

“ One minute!” L yelled, trying not to sound as frantic as he felt. The dream he had was pretty great, he thought, but he wasn't expecting to come in his pants. How ridiculous.

With relief, he pulled a faded pair of blue jeans from the top drawer.  Tossing them on, he quickly launched for the door before  Near became suspicious.

Near looked at him with a confused ye t amused expression , “Uh, are you alright?”

L realized in that moment he was still wearing the coat. Shrugging it off, “Oh, yes. Sorry, I fell asleep.”

“ Well come on. Coffee is brewing, so let's just get this over with.” Near sounded less than thrilled as he led L back down the hallway. He'd noticed the change of pants but said nothing. It was none of his business, he figured.

What had Near so _ not _ excited was the fact that L's plan was to use him as a foreign exchange high school student to get close to  Yoake . He’d be enrolled in his science class and have to  _ somehow  _ plant a bug on the man. “This is insulting,” Near said as he walked out of the hall bathroom after having changed into his  'undercover’ clothes. The polo shirt and blue jeans were inconspicuous, and L had asked  Watari to purchase the most comfortable brands  he could  find. He still laughed at his brother under his breath.

“You look like an 18 year old on your best day, Near, don't start with me,” L said.

“I have to agree,”  Souichiro spoke up, “You fit the part well, Near.”

L smiled at the older man as he crouched in his chair in front of his computer, “When will the others be here?” 

Souichiro looked at his watch, “Matsuda should arrive within the hour. I don't think Mogi and  Aizawa could get off until tomorrow.”

L nodded, “Thank you,” it felt good and awkward at the same time to resume their professional roles. Perhaps it was because Light wouldn't be joining them this time. L tried not to let it distract him.

Turning back to Near, who was tugging at his shirt with disdain, L laughed quietly, “You can't do that in class, you know.”

Near simply rolled his eyes. Since when did L care about convention? Hadn't he gotten yelled at for taking his college entrance exam with his  bare feet on the desk?  “ Apparently Matsuda will have your books and school supplies. You'll be a bit late, but you won't miss what's important.”

“If I plant the bug today, can I drop out and _ never _ do this again?”  Near pleaded.

“No,  don't plant the bug today unless you have an excellent opportunity. If he finds the bug , there's a good chance he will know it's you. And I want you enrolled for the rest of the year in case I need you to glean more information. And while you're at it, try to befriend him. Become his teacher’s pet. Let him know you’re  a New Kira supporter.” L instructed.

“Fine,”  Near said, giving up on adjusting the clothing.  _ The moment I'm back here I'm changing,  _ he thought.

As sure as the sun does rise,  Matsuda arrived when  Souichiro predicted, bags of school supplies in hand.  After a brief exchange of warm handshakes,  Matsuda neatly packed the  bookbag . L placed the bug inside the cover of  Near's cell phone and handed it to him. 

Souichiro drove him to the school as he would be acting as his father. They walked into the front office together where  Souichiro explained his tardiness. With it excused, Near made his way to the classroom,  Souichiro leaving him with a cheeky, “Good luck,  _ son _ ,” before heading back to HQ. 

Back at HQ, Matsuda was busy driving L insane with his less than astute  observations and cringe worthy personal questions about how he was getting along without Light. L thought he was never happier to see  Souichiro return and reprimand Matsuda for such inappropriate talk .

“Just received a text from  Aizawa . He and Mogi were able to find stand in's for their stake out tonight, so they’ll be on their way shortly. ”  Souichiro told L.

“Good,” L was pleased the whole team would be together again under the same roof, sans one important member who L would trade anything to be with again .

***

Near felt awkward as hell standing before the class as  Yoake , or, Mr. Yamamoto as Near would know him,  introduced him to the class. Near bowed politely and greeted the class in near perfect Japanese, his foreign accent still detectable. It caused a few of the girls to cover their mouths and giggle at the cute stranger.  _ Oh, brother,  _ Near thought.  _ Why couldn't this guy have been a college professor? _

He claimed an empty desk in the back of the classroom and ignored the prying eyes in favor of pretending to pay attention to the lesson.  He knew he couldn’t just look the part; he had to act it. He took notes and jotted down a few questions he thought a new student might have. With any luck, he’d be able to bug the man  after class and be done with it ,  never mind what L thought . Hopefully  Yoake didn’t have good instincts like Light did and would compromise himself quickly so he could get out of this charade. 

Unfortunately for Near, the opportunity never presented itself. Frustrated, he followed his classmates out the door, sulking all the way over to  Souichiro's car.  His only solace was that  Souichiro had been kind enough to bring his white pajamas. Near smiled as he reached for the nea tl y folded garments waiting for him in the back seat and wasted no time changing as  Souichiro caught him up on the latest developments.

“ I was told the killing pattern was of great interest to you?” Near said as he approached his brother, who was pouring over a thick stack of documents while cookie crumbs fell on them.

“Yes,” L said, “I've suspected this Kira has intimate knowledge of me but up until this point it's only been a feeling.”

“What do you mean?”

“He tends to stick to killing people who have murdered families. Either by home invasion, armed robbery, vehicular manslaughter… Doesn't really matter to him. The vast majority of the cases involving the criminals he's killed involve children who are left behind.” L looked up at Near as he explained and paused a moment.

“ It is not public knowledge that you were orphaned due to a home invasion gone wrong.  Could he be a former  Wammy’s student by chance?” Near asked.

“No, I had  Watari check the records. And even if he were, he wouldn't have had access to this knowledge. ” L rubbed his lip with his thumb, “It's very curious indeed.”

“Are you going to use this information to try and predict who's next?”

“Yes, but it'll take a while and we need more information,” L explained.

“And it can all wait until tomorrow,”  Souichiro said, “Let's go home. The misses has dinner ready for us.”

L lit up at that. Light had learned to cook from his mother, and she made the best home cooked meals, just like he did. Once upon a time, L would've never left a case to wait until the next day. But he was someone else now. Someone who put family and love before the job. Light and Timothy both taught him that.


	18. Undercover Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoake and L meet for the first time in person. Will L blow his own cover? This chapter is extra long, so buckle up! It's a ride.

“Ryuzaki! This was just delivered directly to us!” Matsuda exclaimed as he rushed into HQ one morning. Things had been dull for the first few weeks of the investigation. Up until that moment, the most interesting development was Near’s growing fanclub of unwanted female attention at school.

“Bring it here, Matsuda,” L said, turning in his chair to face the excited man. 

“It was in the mailbox,” Matsuda explained.

“We have a mailbox? We get _ mail?”  _ Aizawa asked as he walked over to L's desk, joined silently by Mogi and  Souichiro .

“ Every business in the building gets their own mailbox,” L explained flatly, as though he expected Aizawa to have known that.

Placing the box on L's desk, Matsuda stepped back and remained quiet. L inspected the small box. It was wrapped in Christmas  paper and had a label that read “To: L Love: Kira” . L looked over to  Souichiro , “Get ahold of the lobby footage, please. I want to review it.”

Souichiro nodded and made his way ou t of HQ to do as he was asked. Matsuda looked like he was about to burst with anticipation when  Aizawa asked, “What if it's a bomb?”

“It's not,” L said lazily without looking at him. Tearing into the paper, the tension was palpable as L opened the box. Hidden beneath crumpled newspaper clippings that were all about Kira in some form or fashion was a  flash drive.  Without so much as a shrug, L jammed it into his computer and watched a voice file pop up. He pressed play.

A distorted voice began speaking, “ Welcome back to Japan, L. I hope this video finds you well. I'm honored to be the center of your investigation ’ s attention. It's thrilling, truly.  I hope you appreciate what I'm doing because it's all for you. ”

“That's it? He didn't make any demands or anything! He just welcomed you to Japan!”  Aizawa looked like a vessel was going to burst in his forehead from the strain.

“It would appear so. But did you notice he used the same voice distortion Misa Amane used when she sent her tapes?” L looked around. Clearly they didn't pick up on that. Not at all. He sighed, “He's letting us know that he knows more than we think. It's also like he's almost paying homage to the old Kira's.”

“So, what do we do with it?” Matsuda asked.

“Mm, nothing,” L said lazily, “ Put it in evidence. It's useless.”

“Should we be afraid he knows who we are?”  Matsuda asked.

“Yes.”

Souichiro walked back through the door right then,  looking rather pissed off. “ T he security system is undergoing maintenance so there's nothing.”

“Interesting,” L rubbed his lips with his thumb. “Let's assume Kira knew that. But _How?”_

***

The weeks would pass by slowly , the days growing steadily colder as the team put together a profile for Kira and his victims. They never did figure out how Kira knew about the security system maintenance, a few of the members thinking perhaps he just got lucky. Despite attempts to predict who was next on Kira's list, their guesses weren't good enough. Besides, it wasn't like they could offer them police protection. There was no protection from Kira.

The upcoming holidays were slowing the investigation down, but truth be told, L didn't really mind. He thoroughly enjoyed coming home to Sachiko’s  baking most nights, the  Yagami family’s hospitality an excellent distraction from the emptiness he felt at the prospect of spending another Christmas without his husband.

The year before he disappeared to France, renting the small cabin in the countryside he and Light had honeymooned in. That proved to be a disastrous mistake. He stayed in a drunken stupor until Matt and Mello found him. He'd passed out in his own vomit and while he wouldn't admit this, they most likely saved his life.

They cleaned him up and waited until he was sober before attempting to bring him home. “C’mon man! What would Light think of this behavior?!” Mello had yelled at him. Matt pulled Mello back, shaking his head. This wasn’t what L needed right now.

L sulked, wishing he was dead. “He doesn't think anything, Mello, he's dead!”

Mello lost control and punched L right in the face, knocking him clean out. Had L not been weakened and horrendously hungover, he might've been able to take Mello on.  But as it stood, Matt had his work cut out for him between the two of them. “How are we supposed to get him on a plane now?”  He asked Mello, who looked down and mumbled what might have been an apology. 

No, L was determined not to repeat last year's drunken mistakes. He'd partaken of a few glasses of holiday cheer with Souichiro, but it never got out of hand. Perhaps it was a combination of improved self control and the fact that Souichiro Yagami demanded respect in his household and would never put up with a sloppy drunk.

Sachiko swatted at L’s hand with her pot holders, smiling, “Get out of the kitchen! They aren't even cool yet!”

“Buff fthey're betht when they're hod,” L managed through a mouthful of gingerbread as he scurried away. Sayu laughed from her place next to Near on the couch.

As L munched on hot cookies, he smiled at his brother, thinking the way  Near looked at  Sayu must've resembled the way he looked at Light. Lately Near had confided in L that he was tempted to propose on Christmas, all the engagement commercials on the TV driving him insane with the notion. L advised a cold shower and that waiting until the case was over and  Sayu graduated was the better plan. Near had agreed with a huff and L just laughed at him.

“Enjoy this time. It's fleeting. Once you're married, that's it, so enjoy the ride,” L had advised. He wondered if Near would actually take his advice or if he'd pull the trigger Christmas morning. He supposed he'd have to wait and find out.

The week before Christmas break, Near had managed to plant a tracker on  Yoake’s car. It wasn't as good as getting a bug on the man himself, but it was good second. L had decided to stay late at HQ and would let  Souichiro know if he was coming home or staying the night by midnight. At 10:30 pm,  Yoake's car left his house, heading toward  a very _ particular _ part of Tokyo.  Curious, L watched as  Yoake pulled up to a notorious gay bar.

“Huh,  so Near was right,” L mumbled under his breath. “ I wonder if he's meeting someone?” L tapped his fingers on his desk anxiously for a few minutes. “Fuck it.” 

Without much of a plan in mind, L threw on his (Light’s) coat and ran out the door.  There was no way  Yoake could guess who he was. He'd just be another stranger at the bar , a blank face  in a sea of blank faces he'd never remember .

The only thing about L that fit in with what turned out to be a rather nice night club was the car he was driving. As the valet pulled off in his Audi, L pulled his coat closed, hoping he wasn't turned away on account of his attire. Perhaps the bouncer was feeling generous that night because he didn't give L a second glance aside from checking his ID.

Inside the place was packed with people dancing and grinding on each other.  Multi colored lights streamed across the floor, changing with the loud music. L had never felt so overstimulated in his life.  _ How did people stand this?  _ Figuring a drink would quell his nerves, he pulled out a free bar stool, the busy bar tender nodding his way that he'd be there when he could.  Sitting  _ normally,  _ L refrained from tapping his feet or fingers nervously. It was imperative he blend in, something he’d never fully grasped how to do. 

The close crowd of people prevented him from successfully looking around, but he figured he'd be unable to find  Yoake anyway.  _ This was stupid,  _ he thought. 

“What’ll it be?” the cute guy behind the bar asked.

_ Shit.  _ L hadn’t considered  it. “Vodka. Double.” It was true that L was predisposed to sweets and that in general, his palate didn't handle bitter or strong things well. However, when it came to alcohol, the man learned he could drink anything,  unfortunately.  The kid behind the counter br oug ht it over quickly, and L paid with cash, downing the drink in one gulp with a slight twist to his face, but no chaser. 

No sooner had he set the glass down  did the cute boy behind the bar  return , “Hey, so, the guy across the bar wants to buy you a drink, but when he heard you were shooting straight vodka he told me to ask if you'd be interested in something more sophisticated?”

“What did he have in mind?” L asked , unsure who the young man was talking about but flattered all the same.

“He's been drinking Manhattans since he got here, so?” He shrugged. “Up to you.”

“I'll try it,” L said with a shrug. The bartender nodded and was off to make this drink, com plim ents of the mystery man. L was delighted to find it was served with a cherry, and found the drink quite to his liking. Before he could ask the young man who, exactly, bought him the drink, he was off to serve the next ten thirsty customers.  L was left to his own devices and looked around , giving up after a few moments and deciding instead to enjoy his cocktail. 

“I'm glad you like it,” a smoky voice said in his ear, just loud enough to be heard over the music but not to hurt L's ear.

L straightened up, rigid with surprise. He turned to his left, eyes widening in disbelief as he stared upon the beautiful face of none other than  Yoake Yamamoto. 

“I'm sorry,” he laughed, louder this time as he pulled back from L, “I didn't mean to scare you.”

L gulped, trying to compose himself. There was _no way_ Yoake knew who he was, right? Thinking fast on his feet, L pulled a page out of Light’s book and plastered his most winning smile on his face and reached out his hand, “Leo,” he greeted as their hands gripped each other, firm shake shared between them. “Thank you, by the way. I'm flattered.” 

L's heart was pounding and he was pretty sure the only thing keeping his hands from shaking wildly in that moment was the vodka he’d pounded a moment ago.  _ Please don't forget this fucking alias, you moron.  _ He'd thought it up on the fly because he feared  Yoake being familiar with  Ryuzaki , and he couldn't risk any kind of give away. 

“ Yoake ,” he said,  beautiful smile gracing his already perfect face. He was handsome in a very different way from Light,  but it wasn't less or more. Where Light was youthful and exotic in his appearance,  Yoake was rugged and understated. 

A seat was freed next to L, “May I?”

“By all means,” L said.

They toasted to meeting and as they sipped, they got to know each other. L tried not to be awkward, unsure if the alcohol was helping or harming. 

“So, what do you do, Leo?”

“I teach criminal justice at a private school,”  _ not a complete lie. _

Yoake's eyes lit up, “You do? I teach high school science.”

L nodded and they drank to their similar  career choices. It was L's turn to ask a question, “So, what brings you here tonight?”

Yoake rolled his eyes a bit and laughed at himself, “To be honest I'm trying to get over my ex.”

“Oh,” L nodded slowly, “I can understand that.”

They toasted, “To our ex's,”  Yoake said, “May we  _ not _ drunkenly carry on about them all night.”

“And may we forgive each other if it happens anyway,” L added.  Yoake laughed.  Things were actually going well.

“I don't want to seem presumptuous, but do you want to get out of here? Go somewhere quieter to talk?”

L was about 3 Manhattan’s deep, so his better judgement was out the window. He didn't _ care _ if it led to fucking. In fact, that sounded just great to him. This guy was _ smoking _ hot and L hadn't had sex in…he couldn't math at the moment but he knew it'd been a long time. “Sure!”

“I don't mind driving,” L said as he handed his ticket to the valet . “Is that alright with you?”

Yoake nodded. The night was crisp and their breath puffed in front of them. The clear night was so silent in comparison to the club that it was almost startling.  L's sleek black car pulled up the curb and  Yoake seemed pleased, “Very nice,” he smiled as he got in.

“If you want to stop and get a cheap bottle of wine, I know a good park we can stop at and look out over the city,”  Yoake suggested.

L laughed, “We’re not teenagers. Let's get expensive wine. Something that probably tastes terrible.”

“Ha! Deal.”  Yoake said. “Take a right here, I know a place.”

L followed his directions and the two wound up at a small shop with one grumpy looking old man at the register. It smelled funny inside, like someone had spilled alcohol and never bothered to clean it up, and now several months had passed. 

“I'll buy,” L insisted, “You picked up our bar tab so it's only fair.”

Yoake agreed, but his eyes grew wide when L selected two bottles of wine  priced at over 10,000 yen each. “Leo, that’s too much.”

“Nah. It’s fine, I promise. Besides, how many people do you know who would ever dare to drink  _ these _ straight from the bottle?” L said as he held up the bottles.  Yoake shrugged, “Exactly. Nobody. Let's be trashy with expensive wine.”

Yoake laughed a little too loud for the quiet store, gaining a glare from the worker.  They both snickered over it on their way to pay, the old cashier singing a different tune when he saw their rather nice selection. Li ttl e did he know what _ atrocities _ they had planned for such fine wine as this.

Once back in the car,  Yoake gave L directions to the park, having forgotten the name of it so they couldn't GPS it.  It wasn't a far drive, but once inside, they took a rather creepy drive up a winding, narrow path. L hoped there was room to turn around at the end.  Finally, it opened up to a parking lot, and they could see benches spaced apart, facing the city from the hill they sat on.

“Oh, wow  Yoake . This is nice,” L said as he cut the engine and opened his door. From here, the air felt cleaner somehow, the lights  of the city below drawing him in.

“Which one do you want to defile first?”  Yoake asked , holding a bottle up in each hand as he approached L, who had made his way to a bench.

“You pick,” he said, small smile on his chilled lips. It was much colder up there, but Light’s old coat proved its value with how warm it kept him.

“Well, I like the label of the one in my right hand better, so we’ll go with that,” he said, sitting on the bench and popping it open with the cheap corkscrew they'd purchased at the store along with the wine.  It was a red blend, boasting of cherry and chocolate notes. He offered L the first swig.

“Ok, so it's not bad. I mean, I've had  cheap wine that's just as good, but I can't complain about this.” L admitted,  genuinely surprised it wasn't complete garbage.

Yoake took the second drink from it and agreed with L. “It's not my favorite wine, but I'll drink it.”

“It's not like that stuff that gives you a hangover _ while _ you drink it, it's so cheap.”

“You know it's bad when your wine comes in a plastic bottle,”  Yoake joked. L laughed openly for the first time, and  Yoake watched him as he enjoyed himself,  enthralled with the strange little man he found himself infatuated with. “Is it rude of me to ask why you sit like that?”

L hadn't realized he'd let his guard down so much and cursed himself for forgetting to sit normally.  _ Fuck.  _ “I'm kind of weird,” he tried to play it off, “I just feel better when I sit like this. It's a force of habit really, I can sit normally.” L started stretching his legs down when  Yoake reached out and placed a hand on his knee, touching him for the first time outside of the hand shake.

“Please don't change on account of me,” he said, “I want to know _ you,  _ quirks and all. I like you.”

L blushed as he folded back up, “I like you too.”

Yoake sat next to L on the bench and took his hand, “Is this ok?” 

L nodded,  loving how conscientious  Yoake was, how understanding and accommodating. It was really too bad he was an insane murderer because L thought he was the whole package otherwise.

Yoake sighed and passed L the bottle, “I know we said we wouldn't talk about our ex's but can I just get something off my chest?”

“Sure,” L said as he took a drink and passed the bottle back.

Standing up and facing the city, he took a deep breath,  “I just wanted to say  _ fuck you  _ Haruki! You're a cheating bastard and I wish you nothing but misery!”  He yelled into the night sky.

“Oh, wow,” L slurred,  swaying slightly where he sat, “I'm really sorry that happened to you.”

“Thank you,” Yoake threw a rock off the hillside. Wherever it landed, it was too far for their ears to reach. Turning back to L, “Have you ever been cheated on?”

At this point, L could only speak the truth. There was no way, in his current state, that he could keep up with a string of lies. “ No.”

“Lucky,”  Yoake said, holding his hand out for the bottle and taking the last swig. “It _ sucks. _ _ ” _ Plopping down next to L again, he glanced over at him, “Can I ask what happened with your guy?”

L blanched. He really hadn't wanted to say.  Yoake started to back peddle but L put his hands out and shook his head, “No, it’s ok. I'll tell you. ” L rubbed his knees and looked around, incredibly too drunk to keep the emotion out of it, “He died.”

“Oh, shit.” Reaching for L's hands, he squeezed them gently, “I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Tell me you guys at least hated each other so it works out.”

L smiled at his attempt to lighten the mood, “Oh no, we definitely loved each other. ”  He narrowed his eyes a bit, then said, “I'm honestly too  drunk for this conversation. I promise you I'll tell you all about him, it'll just have to be  some other time.  I don't want to ruin our good time.”

Yoake gave L a small nod of understanding, secretly thrilled at the idea of a “next time”. Reaching over the end of the bench, he pulled up the second bottle, “We still have this to go through,” he reminded.

“I might need to eat something before we dig into that,” L said.  Yoake started to suggest several late night options, but L just shook his head and stumbled over to the car. “I always have snacks,” he said as he dug out the candies and chips he kept hidden in the center console.  He offered some to  Yoake , who declined, claiming it would make him sick to eat that kind of food at the moment.  He wasn't about to get into his health conscious diet that, aside from alcohol, was really rather restrictive. 

“More for me,” L shrugged as he stuffed his face.  Licking his fingers free of salty cheese dust, L smiled, “I'm glad we met.” The statement was true, too. L was having a lot of fun, and while he couldn't tell if  Yoake knew who he was, he found he really didn't care.  Kira could've killed him right then and he would've died happy.

“Me too,”  Yoake smiled at the strange mess of a man, something about him was simply _ striking _ and he couldn't quite put his finger on it.  But that out of reach allure caused  Yoake to want more, to know more. He wanted to see the broken places inside and wondered if he could help heal them.

“I feel better,” L said as he gathered his mess of wrappers and disposed of them back inside the car.  “Do you want to save the other bottle for another night? I've had enough.”

“Sure,”  Yoake said as he set the bottle on the bench and made his way over to L. He took his hand softly, rubbing the back of it with his thumb, “Do you want to get some _ real _ food?”

L nodded and the two were off,  abandoning their secret hideaway at the park, wine bottle rattling against the floor board.  Yoake directed him once again and they wound up at a hole in the wall place  Yoake assured was phenomenal.  Knowing better than to judge anything at first glance, L followed him in, the smell of delicious, savory food assaulting his senses the moment he walked through the door.

They both ordered similar noodle dishes, and L guzzled water about as fast as they would serve it to him.  Their conversation remained friendly and light, L finding  Yoake's company easy to be in and  Yoake feeling much the same.

The night came to an end all too soon for them despite it being 4 in the morning. L dropped  Yoake by his car in the now abandoned club parking lot.  They both stood outside for a moment longer, reluctant to say goodnight. L knew he couldn't do this again. He couldn't risk continued exposure; as it stood, he already may have said too much .

Yoake’s hands eclipsed his own as they stood there, the larger man staring down at L with fondness.  “Tonight was amazing, thank you,” he said with a small grin tinged with sadness at having to part.

L wondered why the man didn’t kiss him. He may have still been a little  intoxicated because he also wondered why he didn't just lay him out over the hood of the car and take what he wanted. 

As though reading L's mind,  Yoake spoke, his smile turning sheepish, “I, uh, have this rule,” he started saying slowly, “ I don't make any moves when alcohol is involved. I would never want someone to do something they'd regret when sober again.”

_ But drunk sex is the best!  _ L blushed, this was actually quite an endearing and respectful rule. Was he 100% sure this guy was Kira?  For one brief, fleeting moment L wanted to be wrong. His heart sank as he remembered having similar feelings about Light in the beginning. “Surely neither of us would regret a single kiss?” L tried as he stepped closer to  Yoake .

Yoake couldn't disagree with that. L leaned against him for support, rising as tall as the balls of his feet allowed. Yoake leaned down a bit to meet him, and when their lips met, L swore a shock sizzled through him. He pressed for more, and Yoake obliged, but did not allow it to go further. Pulling away, he graced L's sweet pouting face with his fingers.

“ I would like to see you again. Can I give you my number?”  Yoake asked.

“Yes,”  L said as he pulled out his phone and listened intently for the number.

When  Yoake finished, he kissed L's forehead and bid him goodnight. L was relieved he didn't ask for his number, which he couldn't give.  Either  Yoake was polite to a fault or it was another rule of his not to press for the number.  Whatever the reason, L was alright with it.

As he watched  Yoake drive off, he considered buying a burner phone and keeping it secret, using it just for  Yoake . He knew that was a bad idea and fought the temptation.  It wasn't like any stores were open at this hour anyway.

When L finally made it back to his room at HQ, a feeling of guilt washed over him, as though he were about to open the door and face the wrath of Light. The pit of his stomach turned over as he walked through the door, and even though the suite echoed back nothing but emptiness, L couldn’t help but feel as though he were _sorry. _

Throwing himself on the bed, he screamed into a pillow until his voice cracked and went hoarse. “I'm a fucking terrible person!”  He yelled. Tears stained the pillow  as he wept, somehow feeling  _ ashamed  _ of himself for being with another man. “I’m sorry, Light,” he whispered into the nothingness as he turned his head to the side.

“You silly idiot,” Light  said with a smile. “Don’t you remember? I  _ wanted  _ this for you.”

“Yeah, but it still feels like I'm leaving you, like I'm doing something wrong.”

“That will fade with time. Soon you'll realize you're keeping your promise to me. Do you remember what you promised me?”

“That I would find somebody. I wouldn't be alone,” L admitted. “Why did you have to go?”

Light looked at him  fondly, an understanding smile on his perfect face, “You know why.”

“No, I don't. It's not fair.”

“No, it isn't fair. But you'll be ok.”

“How do you know?” L sniffled.

“ Because I love you,” Light smiled.

As  Light faded , L became aware that he was in a dream, waking up with a throbbing head ache at the beckon of the first morning  light . Feeling full of regret and pain, he rolled over and pulled the covers above his head.  It was a good thing everybody was taking the day off, because L wouldn't have been able to work. “I have _ got _ to stop drinking so much,” he mumbled to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, what do we think of Yoake and all these shenanigans?


	19. Taunt Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L has a talk with Sachiko and Near plants a bug on Yoake. It doesn't exactly go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter jumps scenes a lot, so, sorry about that. Hopefully it isn't confusing.

A small meal, aspirin, and a shower later, L was presentable enough to go back to the Yagami house.  Nobody suspected a thing beyond him being extra tired from a long night at HQ. Sachiko tried to comfort him with coffee and sugar cookies, feeling concerned when he barely touched them.

“Well, you don't feel feverish,” she said after placing a hand on his forehead and cheeks.

A little flushed, L smiled slightly, “I simply overdid it last night. I'll be good as new tomorrow.”

The worried look on her face didn't go away completely, but she was satisfied enough for now to walk off and leave him be.  With little else to do, L admired the Christmas decorations strewn about the house and watched the marathon of Christmas movies with Near and  Sayu .  Souichiro was out running last minute errands in preparation for Christmas Eve dinner. 

A deliciously sweet, cinnamon smell wafted in from the kitchen and L followed his nose, appetite having returned a bit. “What smells so wonderful?”

“Oh, ” Sachiko glanced at him from over her shoulder as she pulled the first batch from the oven, “I made oatmeal cookies. They were Light’s favorite cookie.”

L noticed tears in her eyes as she set the cookie sheet on the stove top.  Usually he didn't take the initiative with these sorts of things, but reaching out and hugging Sachiko in that moment just seemed right. She melted into his shoulder and sniffed a bit. She was a master at holding it all together,  something L admired about her greatly.

Pulling back from the hug, he asked, “Can I help you with them?”

“Sure. Why don't you spoon the batter onto that cookie sheet over there,” she said as she turned, blotting her eyes with a tissue as she did it.

As they worked side by side in the kitchen, L itched for some of Sachiko's motherly wisdom.  With a small sigh, he said, “Did Light ever tell you he wanted me to remarry?”

She quirked an eyebrow up at him. Slowly, “Yes, he did.  He was very concerned about you being alone.”

L was silent for a moment before saying, “ We’ll still be a family, even if I did, right?”

Sachiko was touched by the emotion in L's voice and couldn't help the tear that escaped her own eye. Turning to him and reaching out to embrace him, she said, “Oh, L,  _ nothing _ could change the fact that you are my son.  You could live on the other side of the world and start a new family with new in laws, but you will _ always _ be a part of this family.  You will always have a place here. Can always call this home.” She pulled away from him and kissed his cheek. Then, with a mischievous glimmer in her eye, she asked, “So, who is he?”

Shocked, L blushed hard and stammered. “What? No, I-“ but he couldn't lie to Sachiko. He looked down and began scooping batter again. “ His name is  Yoake .”

“Nice name,” she smiled, “Are you bringing him over for Christmas dinner tomorrow?”

L blushed again, “I'm not exactly ready for all that.”

“Well, when you are,  you better bring him to meet us. I must approve of him first,” she explained, a slight laugh in her voice.

“Of course,” L agreed. He helped her bake the rest of the afternoon,  delighting in the most delicious oatmeal cookies he'd ever had.  When she moved on to dinner, he assisted with that as well,  everything Light had taught him about cooking coming in handy as he did.

Christmas was bittersweet and beautiful, everyone exchanging heartfelt gifts. Near actually took his brother’s advice  and refrained from proposing. L had booked the family a trip to Hawaii. He and Light had so much fun when they went and he wanted to share that with all of them. Sachiko and  Sayu put together a scrapbook full of Light and L's most memorable moments. It even had pictures in it he'd never seen before. It was a touching gesture that brought misty eyes to everyone. 

The rest of the week was a blur, with only a couple days of the team meeting up between holiday s . L managed to stay sober and enjoy what he could of New Year's. It had always been he and Light's favorite holiday, and now he struggled not to loathe it. Light had been gone nearly two years now and L wondered if he was any closer to being ready for another relationship. He hadn't reached back out to  Yoake . He couldn't. Eventually he'd put together who L was and everything would implode. It was better to forget anything ever happened.

***

What L didn't know is that Yoake_ had_ put it together. Almost. Had he just a little more confidence in himself, he'd _know_ it was L who stole his heart that night. But as it stood, he simply couldn't bring himself to believe that the World’s greatest detective would expose himself like that. And to make matters worse, the guy never called. Yoake struggled not to think something was terribly wrong with him that he couldn't get a call back. He settled for anonymous sex with strangers and writing in the Death Note for Christmas. _Lucky him. _

It was a lonely existence, and even though he was sorely disappointed that Leo, if that was even his name,  never called, he still thought about him all the time.  Even dreamed about him a few times. “Wouldn’t it be perfect if you were L?” he wondered out loud. That would explain why he never called, and why he never saw him again despite trying to find him at that club multiple times. All that ever came out of that was meaningless sex to fill the time. Boring.

School was starting back soon, the holiday’s having been excruciatingly disappointing.  It would be good to get back into a routine, he thought. Good to get away from the monotony and loneliness he felt. 

***

Near felt desperate to get his bug planted, sure it would reveal the information they were looking for so he could get out of this role he was forced to play .  School had started back all too soon as far as he was  concerned .

As his classmates stood to file out of the room one day as class ended, grabbing homework off his desk as they did, Near decided a little public humiliation was in order. _The things I do for you, L. _He proceeded to trip over one of his class mates feet and fall right into Mr. Yamamoto, taking out the entire homework bin on his way down. While on the floor, Near was able to sneak the bug beneath the cuff of his pants, where Yoake would never find it. Hopefully being encased entirely in fabric didn't muffle anything it picked up too badly. After many apologies and a rush to clean up the mess he made, Near was out of the class and headed back to HQ, where he dreamed of white silk pajamas. 

Once alone in the car with  Souichiro , he texted L that his mission was a success and asked if L could pick anything up. He replied it was rather annoying to hear every footstep, but he supposed it would do for now.

***

Now in the comfort of his own home,  Yoake dropped his briefcase by the door and kicked out of his formal attire, folding his slacks and shirt over a chair in his living room.  He exchanged the stuffy uniform for plaid pajama pants and  an old t-shirt.  With a stretch and a sigh, he said, “So, how was your day?”

L was glad when the clip cl o p of shoes stopped and his ability to listen became much clearer. “He’s talking to somebody. Near, I thought he lived alone?”

“He does,” Near asserted.

Turning back to his computer and closing his eyes, L gasped, “I think he's talking to a  Shinigammi ! I think this guy is the real deal!” L had had his doubts about this  Yoake guy. Once the original Kira was apprehended, there were many copy cats, some of them good , some of them not so good .  All of them fakes. As of right now,  Yoake was top of the list, and for good reason.  It would seem his powers were legitimate, and it thrilled L.  A spike of danger rushed through him and he found it difficult to steady his shaking hands.

L tossed a set of head phones to Near, “Do you hear the second voice? It's hard to make out. He must be far away from the bug.”

Near simply shook his head, “I'm only getting half a conversation. Are you sure he's not on the phone?”

L shook his head but thought _ maybe. _ What L couldn't see was  Yoake sipping a glass of red wine, smug smile on his face. He’d found the bug before he slipped up any further in his conversation with his  Shinigami .  Yoake was pretty sure he knew who put it there. He was pretty sure that strange new student had enrolled under a fake name as well. No matter, he could play pretend for now.

Yoake continued his fake conversation, going so far as to say, “Goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow,” as he pretended to hang up his phone. 

He hoped his pretend conversation distracted them enough from realizing he'd purposefully moved the chair with the slacks ha ng ing over it to sit in front of the TV. Turning it on, he blasted the channel that aired nothing but horrendous reality TV reruns and walked away, laughing.

“Ugh, we’re not getting _ anything,”  _ Matsuda complained. He had switched with L hours ago and was growing tired.

“Is it still trashy television shows?” L asked, chewing his thumb nail.

“Yes,”  Matsuda sighed, tired of it.

L smiled as he rubbed his bottom lip, “He's playing us,” he said. “I'll take over the night shift. Everybody else go home and get some sleep.”

They knew better than to argue with L and all slowly filed out one by one. As L sat in the dark room alone, he began to grow tired, finding his forehead resting against the cool desk more and more.  As his eyes drifted shut , he startled to hear the sudden _ lack _ of noise.  _ He turned the TV off. Finally. _

“L? Can you hear me?” A silky, masculine voice asked. L bristled and sat up in his chair. “I do hate these one way conversations. They're really no fun. I want to know what you sound like, and none of that robotic voice stuff. I want to hear the_ real_ you.” L gulped hard. He felt himself becoming bothered at the sound of Yoake’s voice. It _dripped_ with sex and L felt himself getting hot. _This isn't good, _he thought as he fanned himself. “Call me tomorrow evening. You know when I get off work, so, call me then.” Yoake proceeded to leave L his cell phone number, stating with a laugh that he realized L probably already had it but was giving it to him_ just in case_. “I'll be dreaming of you. Bye.” With that, Yoake crushed the bug and flushed it down the toilet for good measure. He honestly wouldn't have been able to find it without his Shinigammi, and watched his hands tremble as he thought about his close call. “He’ll be the death of me yet,” Yoake smiled as he finished his wine.

L was flabbergasted.  Shocked, confused,  _ aroused _ _ .  _ It was high time he attempted to sleep but far too late in the evening to make the trek to the  Yagami home. Instead, L made his way to the elevator,  thinking of the coat left on the floor of his suite that awaited him.

Wrapping himself in it once more, he climbed in the bed and pulled up the pictures of Light on his phone. With a sigh, “Light,  I don't know how I feel about all this. This New Kira is… different. I mean, he taunts me, plays games like you did. It's…strangely familiar. Almost like he already knows me somehow. But he can't _ know me,  _ right? ” L curled himself into a ball and breathed in his husband's scent. “I miss you, Light. Every day.  It doesn't get easier, not really. I just get better at pretending. ” L sniffled and wiped his face on the sleeve of the coat, “Sometimes I hope this Kira kills me so I can be with you. I know that's wrong, but I can't help it. I love you, Light.” L shut off his phone and closed his eyes, sleep picking a f ight with his restless heart the rest of the night.


	20. Broken Clocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near knows his cover is blown but L moves forward with their plan anyway. Shit goes wrong, obviously. L and Yaoke meet.

“L, my cover is _ clearly _ blown,” Near argued as L  frowned.

“He gave no indication that he knew who planted the bug,” L said matter of  factly .

“It's obvious!”  Near stomped his feet in frustration.

“You're going to school and acting like everything’s normal. Until we have concrete _ proof _ your cover is blown, we must act as though it is not. And that's final. Now go to school,” L said as he sipped his coffee. He wondered how long he’d suffer from shittier than normal sleep. It was really starting to wear him down.

Near sulked over to where  Souichiro stood, waiting by the elevator.  Everything about  Near' s body language screamed 'this is bullshit’. L didn't care.  Even if  Near’s cover were blown, he didn't think Kira would or could kill him. This one didn't have the eyes and didn't know  Near’s real name. Not yet, at least.

The day went by about as boringly as it possibly could for Near.  He also found himself increasingly popular with the girls, to his great annoyance.  _ L owes me for this,  _ he thought as he doodled  mindlessly in his workbook to keep from falling asleep.

Mr. Yamamoto acted normal enough when Near finally made it to his class.  He even made a joke for Near to watch out for the homework bin, to which Near forced a fake laugh that he hoped was believable.  _ Prick,  _ he thought, wishing he could arrest the guy right there in front of everyone. 

After a rather droll and  uneventful class,  Mr. Yamamoto did one out of the ordinary thing, and pulled Near aside at the end of class. Near had a bad feeling about this as he watched his classmates file out of the door. 

“I don't know if you knew this, but I double as your guidance counselor. I would like to see you in my office after school today, just to see how you're adjusting,” his winning smile didn't betray any mal intent, but Near didn't trust him.

“Sure!” Near tried to sound chipper, “I'll come straight over as soon as classes are dismissed,”  _ I can't wait to arrest you, you Keanu Reeves looking-like mother fucker,  _ Near thought. Then he shook his head at himself,  _ I've been hanging out with Mello too much. _ _ That's something he'd say. _

Near shot off a text to  Souichiro to let him know he'd be delayed after school. He sent a similar text to L, who thought it interesting that  Yoake planned his little conversation with Near around the same time he'd told L to give him a call.  L couldn't deny the thrill it sent through him. What was  Yoake planning?

It was hard to ignore his anxiety as he knocked on the office door of Mr. Yoake Yamamoto. _If I die here, today, at this stupid school in these horrible clothes __I'm__ never forgiving L. _The quick opening of the door and bright smile of the large man before him stopped his current train of thought. Near bowed slightly before stepping in and sitting in the chair Yoake motioned to.

“ Well, it certainly seems like you're adjusting well,”  Yoake began as he sat behind his desk.  When his cell phone began to ring, his smile turned devious. Near gulped. To his surprise,  Yoake answered it and placed the phone on speaker in the center of the desk, “Hi, L. I'm so glad you called. Say hi to Near.”

“ You were right, Near. Your cover’s blown,” was all L said. The statement was comical given the situation , and Near just rolled his eyes.  _ No shit!  _ He thought. L continued,  “Guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

_ L, you are such an asshole!  _ Near huffed and crossed his arms.  Yoake laughed. “ Well, now what?” Near asked whoever was willing to answer.

L turned his attention to  Yoake , “ Do you plan to hold Near hostage, Mr.  Yamamoto?”

“Depends. Do you have a suggestion that would be more fun?”  Yoake asked.

_ Great, now I'm this asshole’s hostage,  _ Near rolled his eyes again, “I'll probably just escape,” he said flatly.

Yoake turned shining eyes to him but spoke into the phone, “ Probably, but I have your picture from your student ID. I could make the eye deal any time and  kill you.”

“Wow, thanks for confessing to being Kira,” Near smiled, “ L, can I arrest him?”

“Having knowledge about the “eye deal”  isn't really the same as confessing, unfortunately. It could be a bluff.  Perhaps he somehow hacked police records and got a hold of privileged information. It wouldn't be the first time someone did that,” L explained.

_You've got to be kidding me, _Near thought. Planting his head in his hands, Near decided now was the perfect time to just fucking give up. L was planning to chase this guy but never really catch him because for some reason, L thought this sort of sick shit was_ fun._ “Oh shit, that means you can't kill me without it incriminating you,” Near suddenly realized, dropping his hands and staring at Yoake. Maybe L wasn't such a heartless bastard after all. _Wait, did he purposely use me as bait, knowing I was compromised? That dick! _Near stood and grabbed his bookbag, “So, I'm gonna go now. See you tomorrow, _Yoake__.”_

Yoake simply smiled as Near walked out the door. “You know I'd never hurt your _ family,”  _ Yoake explained.

L hesitated. How could he possibly know they were related ?  “It seems you know more about me than I realized,” he finally decided to say.

_ You have no idea,  _ Yoake thought. “If I haven't thanked you for calling without your voice distortion yet, thank you. Your _ real _ voice is quite sexy.”

What  Yoake didn't know is that L's voice was just slightly distorted. L couldn't risk him recognizing his voice, after all.  “ Usually I charge extra for my sexy voice, so you're lucky,”  _ what the fuck am I saying?  _ L smacked himself in the forehead and rubbed his eyes. This guy was driving him absolutely nuts.  _ Don't flirt with your suspect, idiot. You have to let your team listen to this recording later.  _ He cringed thinking of  Souichiro listening to this dribble.  _ Oh, God, kill me now. _

Once  Yoake had finished laughing, he cleared his throat, “I want to meet,” he said, a more serious note to his voice .

“No,” L said.

“I have a gift for you and I want to give it to you in person,” he said smoothly, voice like silk.

“Ok, fine. Where?”  _ Twist my arm. _

“The abandoned warehouse near the school. I'll text you the address and time ,” he said with a smile before hanging up.

_ Fuck me,  _ L thought. His phone buzzed with the location and time. It didn't leave him any time to prepare, of course. And like any good bad guy,  Yoake had made sure to tell L to come alone.  _ At least he said please. _

***

The warehouse was about as creepy as L expected it to be. It creaked and echoed and the floor was covered in sawdust. It appeared as though it had been used for carpentry at some point, several projects long abandoned, saws rusted out throughout the building.

From the opposite side of the long building, L saw a figure approaching. He walked with grace and L thought he'd never get tired of watching him move. As he grew closer, L gulped, frozen in position. Not only was he tall, but he was muscular. L was pretty sure he could snap him in half with one hand. And now that he'd seen L's deception and recognized him as the man from the bar, surely he would kill him now.

Yoake came to a stop several feet from L. “So it_ was_ you.” He looked ready to laugh, “Explains why you never called.”

Looking down, L mumbled, “I wanted to.”

Yoake said nothing and L couldn't bring his eyes from off the floor. “Do I even want to ask what the hell you were thinking that night? Was it some bizarre undercover operation?”

“Not exactly,” L began nervously rubbing his arm.

“Then what?”

L finally looked up, but it wasn't with  defiance or a will to fight. It was with a look of surrender, almost. “look, you've seen my face, you  probably know my name, now  just kill me.”

“No,” was his only reply as his stance relaxed, hands by his sides no longer at the ready to  fight. It seemed that his anger dissipated as he watched L wither before him.

“No?” L was confused; something that didn't happen often. 

Yoake smiled, “Come out,  Ryuk .”

_ Ryuk _ _ !?  _ L was shocked to see him, though he should not have been.

“Long time, L,”  Ryuk said with a small laugh as he descended from the rafters, materializing before him in all his horrible glory.

“ E xplain yourself,” L's eyes narrowed as he realized this meant  Yoake didn’t just have another notebook, he had his  _ husband’s  _ notebook. L tried not to show his heart was  poundi ng or that his hands trembled as he stuffed them in his pockets and feigned nonchalance.

“ Gladly,”  Yoake said, removing the notebook from his inner coat pocket. For a moment L thought he intended to kill him, but instead he tossed the book to L, who managed to catch it mid air despite his trembling.  As L breezed his fingers over the familiar cover,  Yoake continued speaking without moving toward L. “ Kira sent this to me , telling me he planned to relinquish his power to me the day he died . ”

“ Why ?” L looked up at him as he flipped through the pages,  unable to help the sorrow he felt at seeing Light's hand writing in the book.

Yoake took a small, experimental step toward L, who either didn't notice or didn't care. “ Fo r  _ you _ .”

“Me?”

“L, haven't you noticed that I only kill a specific type of criminal?” Another small step taken. “That's for you. It's all for you. ”

For a moment L wanted to laugh because he knew Mello would have seen these murders as the romantic gesture they were meant to be. Unfortunately for L, it felt like receiving dead flowers and half eaten chocolates. Ironic murders aside, L couldn't believe what he was hearing, couldn't believe his late husband had orchestrated all of this_ right under his nose._ “What did he tell you?” L demanded, finally realizing Yoake was upon him, could grab him, could strangle him. The thought thrilled him. 

“ That you were beautiful, ”  Yoake breathed as his fingers graced L's neck as though he could read his mind, “ And relentless.”

The room felt like it was spinning and the notebook fell to the floor with a soft clatter . Suddenly L was taken back to a different time, a different place.  In a hotel in Hawaii where he drunkenly confesses one night that his next partner needed to be beautiful and intelligent and _ dangerous.  _ L gulped beneath the light touch on his throat, afraid.  _ Maybe Light was a God after all,  _ L thought to himself as his eyes met  Yoake’s .  He'd always thought the man’s eyes were brown; it was all he could ever see on surveillance or photographs or in the darkness of the bar or cover of night . But they had flecks of green in them, creating a hazel masterpiece of ice as he stared through L.

“ What else ?” L managed.

“Not yet,” Yoake whispered, so close his breath parted L's hair for a moment as his fingers squeezed before releasing their grip, a red imprint left behind. Yoake smirked as he thought about how much he’d like to see purple bruises there instead.

_ Not  _ yet? L wondered if he could trust  Yoake . Was what he was saying true or did he glean information from the  Shinigammi simply to take advantage of him and manipulate him emotionally? No, Light would've never chosen someone who would do that to him. Would he? Perhaps Light had lost his mind there toward the end, chemo having destroyed him in every other way. Why else would Light unleash another Kira on the world simply to get his husband's attention and play a game? It was madness. Was this the work of Kira, who hated L, or Light, who loved him?

As though it answered every aching question L held in his mind,  Yoake stooped down and grabbed the book from off the ground .  Giving it a good shake to free it of dust, he placed it in L's hands, gently wrapping L's fingers around it. Letting L's hands go, he said, “ Hang on to it. I'm not giving it over to you, but you know my name and face and now you have the means to kill me any time. ”

“Why are you trusting me with this? How do you know I won’t just kill you?” L asked as he clutched the notebook beneath sweaty fingers.

“Because it leaves the puzzle unfinished. ”  Yoake had turned away from him, but now he stopped and looked back.  “You _ need _ to see this game of ours through. You  _ need _ to know what Light’s end game was. ”

L felt a shot of anger rise in him when  Yoake used his husband's name. He had no _ right _ to it.  Yoake didn't seem to care that he pissed L off and began walking toward the door. “Where are you going?” L asked, unable to move his feet and try to stop him.

“Does it matter? You'll find me,”  Yoake said smoothly, unbothered as the metal door slammed shut behind him.

“What a cocky bastard,” L mumbled to himself, the echo of his words a stark reminder that he was once again alone in the warehouse. He looked down at the notebook in his hands, “What the _ fuck _ were you thinking, Light?”  _ This guy is insane!  _


	21. A New Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L shows up at Yoake's house

With a deep breath and firm grip on the steering wheel of his car, Yoake glanced at the Shinigammi in his rear view, “Do you think I blew it?” He asked. Gone was the confidence, the arrogance. Yoake seemed more like a high schooler with a crush than a 30 year old man wielding the greatest tool of mass murder ever known to humanity.

“Nah,” Ryuk replied, “Ya did good. I have to say though, L is different now. Not sure I was expecting that.”

A worried look came over Yoake's face, “Different how?”

Ryuk scratched his chin with one of his long talons as he thought, “I dunno, exactly. The guy seems colder, stronger. Like he doesn't give a damn anymore.”

_Well that's no good_, Yoake thought. Did this mean L would kill him after all? Certainly not. Hopefully not. Maybe. “What if he doesn't like me?”

“First of all, you sound like a school girl. Stop it. Second of all, he looks at you the same way he used to look at Light,” Ryuk reassured.

“He does?”

“Yeah, but I can't remember if that's the 'I want you dead' look or just the 'I want you’ look, hyuk.”

“That's not helpful,” Yoake grumbled. Up until that meeting, he'd had no idea what L even looked like. No clue what to expect. He laughed at himself for doubting his instincts about him being the man at the bar. The man was stunning in an unrefined way, kind of how a wolf was stunning in the wild but might be sad to look at in a cage. L was like that. He wasn't like other men, that much was clear, and Yoake was hungry for a taste of that wildness he saw in L.

He'd always admired both L and Kira. He was impartial to their war, and while he could understand the desire for vigilante justice, having been a victim of an unsolved crime himself, Yoake believed there was a system for a reason. He wanted L more than he wanted power, truth be told. Acting as Kira was simply a way to get his attention, and oh how beautifully it worked. Although, now that he had it, he felt insecure like L probably thought he was a creep. After all, he was privy to a secret not many knew, a secret he certainly wasn't supposed to know; that Light Yagami, L's late husband, was the real Kira. The people rotting away in jail weren't innocent by any means, but weren't Kira either. No, L was just as bad as Kira, knowledge that was useful but not his to know.

When Yoake got home, he kicked off his shoes and threw himself on his bed, facing the ceiling as he sighed heavily beneath the slowly turning ceiling fan. There was nothing to do; the notebook was with L and so was the next move. He couldn't kill anyone without it, and while he kept spare pieces of the notebook pages in his desk drawer, those were for emergency only.

It began to rain outside, the heavy downpour accompanied by distant thunder and lightning. Turning his head to his window, he sat up and admired the darkened sky. So loud was the noise the storm made that Yoake almost didn't hear his doorbell ring.

He wasn't expecting anybody, but maybe it was a package. He'd ordered something for class days ago, and it would be nice if it finally showed up. Preoccupied with his thoughts about that delivery, Yoake was completely unprepared to open his door to a shivering, soaking wet Detective L. He was so shocked to see him that he couldn't utter a single word, his mouth simply hung agape as he stared.

Without hesitation, L slammed the book into Yoake's broad, muscular chest, “Take this cursed book back!”

“What? Why?” Yoake was knocked off balance a bit, but regained composure quickly as he grasped the soaked notebook.

“Because the temptation to write my own damn name is too great!” L screamed, fury in his red rimmed eyes.

For the first time since opening his door, Yoake realized it wasn't just rain that wet L's face. In that moment, Yoake's heart broke for L, and without another thought or any words, he dropped the notebook and grabbed L by the shoulders, pulling him into his chest. Uncaring that his shirt was soaking through and chilling him, Yoake held L tight and stepped back, closing the door with his foot.

L sobbed shamelessly into his enemies chest, clutching his shirt in bunched fistfuls. After a few hiccups and coughs, L breathed in deep, “I can't do this anymore,” he said as he turned pleading eyes up to Yoake.

“Then don't,” Yoake offered, daring to brush L's rain matted hair from his face.

L shivered beneath the touch and looked down. Misreading his body language as being cold, Yoake loosened his grip on L and stepped back, “Allow me to get you a towel and change of clothes, please.”

L just stood there awkwardly and watched Yoake walk off into another room. He thought the man strange; one moment he seemed so arrogant and full of himself and the next he almost seemed sweet like an eager child, somehow. L couldn't figure him out.

Yoake returned a moment later and showed L to the restroom. While he changed into clothes much too big for him, Yoake made them tea and started a fire in his living room fireplace. Anything to warm L up again. As L reentered the room, he thought his heart might stop at how stunning Yoake looked with the light of the flames flickering off his face.

“Please sit,” he said as he gestured to a rocking chair. He threw a blanket over L's shoulders and handed him a cup of hot tea. It was delicious and sweet and for a moment L wondered if it would be drugged. He didn't care enough to not finish drinking it, however.   
Sitting in the chair next to him, Yoake looked into the fire as he spoke, “I realize we don't know each other. But I want us to.”

L raised an eyebrow at that. He'd always found the man insanely attractive, dreamed about him, desperately wanted him naked and on the floor at times. He blushed and stared into his tea. Just being in his presence now made his heart flutter. The way his strong arms had felt around him…L closed his eyes and breathed deep. “Why?”

Stirring his tea, Yoake looked down into his cup as he contemplated his answer. “Tell me you feel it too. The connection between us. From the moment you first taunted me, trying to flush me out, I felt it. Tell me I'm not alone in that.”

L hesitated. Quietly, “You’re not.”

Yoake seemed to brighten at that small confession. Setting his tea down, he turned to L and gently placed a hand over L's where it rested on the arm of the chair, “Tell me what it would take to be with you.”

“Stop killing, for starters,” L said nonchalantly. Yoake snickered and L smiled.

“Done,” he whispered, his hazel eyes burning a hole through L.

_Just like that? I don't trust this. But he doesn't seem to be lying_, L thought.

Standing, Yoake reached for L's tea and set it aside. He then took both L's hands in his and L stiffened slightly before giving in to the touch. Yoake seemed relieved that he didn't pull away as he stood there and rubbed the back of L's hand sweetly with his thumb. “I like you when you're like this,” L said, standing and looking up into his surprised face. “When you let your guard down, you're sweet.” _Like Lig_ht, he thought.

Yoake blushed and L thought he never saw a more adorable thing. Freeing one hand so he could reach up, L cupped Yoake's face, his thumb brushing his cheek. “I haven't so much as touched another man since him,” L confessed.

“Would it be overwhelming if I kissed you?” Yoake dared to ask.

“Yes,” L whispered as he reached up and pressed his lips to Yoake's, the sensation like a fire roaring through his body. He had to stand on his tiptoes to reach him, Yoake leaning down and wrapping his hands around the small of L's back.

L pushed up more, as far as he could reach, tangling his fingers in the dark hair on the back of his neck and pulling Yoake into him. Somehow, L felt lost to the moment, and something about it felt incredibly right to him. It shouldn't have. It should've been wrong. He should've stopped, pulled away, ran from Yoake. But every bone in his body ached for this, and as Yoake lowered them to the floor, he felt breathless and dizzy with desire, overrun by the need he felt for the regal looking figure above him.

Yoake let him go for a moment to take off his own shirt. L's head cleared for a split second at the loss of contact, admiring the chiseled abs and toned arms. His face must've betrayed many an emotion, because a shirtless Yoake with tousled hair asked, “Are you ok, L? We can stop. It's ok.”

“Don't stop,” L said, pulling his shirt overhead and tossing it aside. He leaned forward and kissed the man again, spindly fingers enjoying the feel of his skin.

Yoake laid him down upon the floor, brushing his fingers through still damp ebony hair. With purposeful slowness, he removed both he and L's pants, unveiling themselves to each other for the first time. Yoake's body was stunning, but L was beyond feeling embarrassed about his own by comparison. It was obvious Yoake wanted him just how he was by the way he spread kisses up his body, shoulders, neck, and jaw.

In one strong, sweeping motion, Yoake scooped L up off the floor. Straddling his waist and hanging on by wrapping his arms around his neck, L smiled, “Where are we going?”

“My bedroom, if that’s ok. I don’t want to take you raw, and everything is in there,” he explained, his sexy voice low, sending shivers through L.

L nodded, marveling at the ease with which Yoake carried him. There was certainly a noticeable difference in their sizes, but L somehow underestimated his strength. Gracefully, and kissing him all the while, Yoake made it to the bedroom where he laid L upon the bed and crawled over him again.

“You’re trembling,” Yoake whispered as he folded his fingers over L's to quell the shaking. “Are you afraid I'll hurt you?”

L shook his head, unable to speak. Yoake was the epitome of a gentle giant, if ever there was one. It wasn't that he was afraid; he was emotional. Yoake would only be the second person he'd ever been intimate with, and years had passed since he’d experienced any kind of intimacy. Light stopped being able to do anything roughly a year before he died, so for L, this was monumental. He wasn't sure if he wanted Yoake to know that and yet it seemed his body gave him away.

“I'll be ok,” L tried weakly with a smile that screamed lies.

“I want to make sure you're more than 'ok', L,” Yoake explained as he reached for the lube on his nightstand. Rubbing it between his fingers, he traced L's entrance slowly, reluctant to push in until he saw L relax. A satisfied smile spread across his face when L finally did, and he stroked L with one hand as he reached for his prostate with the other. He knew if he could get L to orgasm first, he would relax even more, and the sex would be much better for him. Yoake had learned through experience that this was usually necessary for him with any partner, as it wasn't so much his length that proved problematic, but his girth.

L's face began to twist as his climax built, eyes clenched shut and toes curled. L couldn't see it, but Yoake smiled smugly at how he'd reduced L to a puddle of sex and sweat and need there on the bed beneath him. L came with a small, raspy cry, his voice utterly useless to him. Yoake leaned over and kissed his lips, smoothing L's hair with his free hand as his other hand sought to push two, then three fingers inside L. He knew this would be easier with a plug, but he didn't have anything like that for L.

Hoping his preparation was enough, he sat up and lined himself with L's entrance, adjusting his hips as needed. Shaking with anticipation, Yoake pushed inside, hissing at the intensity of L's hot, tight body. L gasped, eyes flying open, and Yoake paused, halfway inside, worried he’d hurt L.

“Oh, God,” L moaned, reaching for Yoake’s thighs and digging in his finger tips. The stretch he felt when Yoake pushed inside was insanely intense, and he couldn’t tell if the electricity shooting through him was pain, pleasure, or a mixture of the two. In a breath, “It's ok.”

“Are you sure?” Yoake held L's hand and stroked his beautiful face. “Tell me if it’s too much.”

L nodded slightly, wincing and squeezing Yoake's hand as he pushed himself fully inside. Yoake stopped again, but L relaxed his grip and body, nodding at him through hooded eyes to continue.   
Yoake brought their bodies together as he rocked slowly, in no rush to find his own way to completion. L found himself growing hard again as Yoake pressed into his prostate.

Opening his eyes fully, L looked up into the other man's face, eyes locking. The sensations he filled L with, the way he twined their bodies, the way he loved L was so different from Light and yet he had no explanation as to how. It simply was. He had no idea that the same act using the same body parts could have such different results. He couldn't grasp it fully, but he allowed himself to get lost in it, feeling every inch of the body above him, inside him.

L learned that night that Yoake was a quiet lover who concentrated deeply on the moment, conscientious of his partner throughout. Yoake didn't say much, but his eyes spoke loudly, and when he climaxed, they glistened with fire. Yoake barely uttered a groan, focused more on his breathing than anything. L wondered if it was ok that he was loud. He'd never felt self conscious about it before, but as Yoake pulled out of him, he suddenly felt exposed. What if Yoake didn't like it? What if now that he'd gotten that piece of L he desired, that was it?

However, the way Yoake gathered him in his arms said a million things that were quite the opposite. He kissed L's sweat matted hair. “We should clean up. Would you like a shower?”

“I honestly don't think I can stand,” L smiled.

“I'll draw you a bath,” Yoake said. It wasn't a suggestion; he simply did it. Usually he wasn't so demanding about things, but he was worried L would be too sore, and truth be told, he wanted to check L, make sure he wasn't bleeding. He poured Epsom salt into the water, and once the tub was halfway full, he came back to the bed and scooped L up, carrying him into the bathroom.

“Do you plan to carry me everywhere?” L joked.

Yoake laughed, “You said you couldn't walk. It's the least I can do, since that's my fault.”

The water was perfect and soothing, and Yoake discreetly checked the bedding as he left L to his own devices. He hadn't noticed anything with L himself, and only the top sheet was soiled, and with nothing out of the ordinary. Pulling it off the bed, he sighed, relieved. One day, maybe he'd explain to L his overly cautious ways in the bedroom. How at one time he was young and stupid and eager and didn't know any better. Accidents happened, he knew, but he never wanted to relive that experience again. He couldn't change his body, so proceeding with caution was the only option.

Soon enough, L came out of the bathroom wrapped in a fluffy robe, looking flushed and adorable. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” L smiled.

Yoake approached him and wrapped him in a gentle embrace, “Stay the night. Please.”

L found those pleading eyes hard to resist. This was the companionship he'd been desperate for, and after waiting 2 years for it, was he really going to turn it down now? No. He reached up to kiss Yoake, an “Ok,” leaving his lips before he could convince himself otherwise. He'd learned in his 39 years on the Earth that some things could wait while others could not. This couldn't wait. Not any longer.

Yoake escorted him back to the bed, disrobing him so he could gently bite the base of L's neck. L wasn’t up for a round two, and Yoake knew that. Instead of going any further, he left a soft, lingering kiss on L's lips and wrapped him snuggly in his arms as they lay under the sheets.

L sighed into the warm embrace, not remembering the last time he was held in such strong arms. Light had not been able to hold him like this for a long time before he died. Their last moment together consisted of L holding his frail, limp body as he took his last breaths; a far cry from the comfort he experienced now.

Yoake made L feel like no harm would ever come to him, that he was protected and safe. L couldn't recall the last time he felt that way, and hoped it would last. If he were to hold his breath and think quietly to himself, L would've realized in that moment he was falling in love with Yoake. He was falling in love with his tenderness, his care, his sweet nature which betrayed his violent side, which L also found enthralling.

Yoake didn't dare explore his own feelings as he fell asleep, but he knew he was a slave to L. That for the rest of his life he'd be his willing prisoner, if L would have him. Yoake knew he didn't hold a place in L's heart the way Light had; that he didn't dominate it. He didn't deserve to. Light had given L things Yoake couldn't give L; not yet, at least. But if given the chance, he'd do anything to love L whole again, to help him heal in that final dark place in his heart


	22. Letters From Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L discovers his late husband had written Yoake several letters, and there's even one for him...

They both woke before the dawn, a growing need for each other breathing wakefulness into their lungs. As they made love a second time, L broke down, unable to contain his emotions any longer.

Yoake froze, panic setting in, “What's wrong? Please tell me.”

Embarrassed, L covered his face with his hands. A muffled, “You did nothing wrong,” escaped him as he tried and failed to pull himself together.

With one hand over L's two, Yoake gently pulled L's hands from his face, an understanding look behind his eyes, “Talk to me,” he whispered, tenderness in his voice.

L breathed deeply and upon exhale, rolled his eyes at himself, causing Yoake to smirk. “I dream of him a lot, and it's just upsetting,” L explained reluctantly, regretting his decision to stay the night now. He knew there was a chance for breakdown, so why did he bother?

“Would it help to talk about him?” Yoake suggested, much to the surprise of L.

“You really want to hear about my late husband in the middle of sex?”

Yoake laughed under his breath, “I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not having sex at the moment.”

_Fair_, L thought. Yoake had pulled out of him in his panic, and while L still felt his hardness, Yoake made no move to continue. L nodded slowly, knowing it would help to talk about him. “He was so beautiful,” L started, wiping his eyes, “In every way.”

Yoake smiled as he adjusted his position, laying back down on the bed, L with his head on his chest. “Go on,” he encouraged as he stroked his fingers down L's back.

“He had this zest for life that still confounds me. No matter how sick he got, he kept that stoic smile on his face, reassuring me constantly that it would all be ok,” tears pooled in the corner of L's eyes and dripped their way onto Yoake's bare chest. “I realize he said those things for my benefit. He knew I was afraid to lose him.”

“That's understandable. I can't imagine what you've been through,” Yoake said, kissing the top of L's head.

L lifted his head to get a better look at Yoake, “Did you ever meet him?”

“No,” Yoake said, “I wish I had gotten the chance, however.”

“How did he contact you? How did you come into possession of his notebook?”

“He mailed it to me, along with a letter explaining that he was the real Kira and he was dying. Initially he said he chose me to continue his work, but that didn't make any sense to me since Kira had been inactive for years at that point.” Yoake explained. L listened intently so he continued, “We began writing letters back and forth, and he told me about you and asked me endless questions about myself. Back then, I didn't understand his interest in me aside from being fit to serve as Kira. But then I got his final letter, and it all made sense.”

“Do you still have it?”

“I have all of them,” he smiled. “Do you want to read them?”

L's face lit up, “Yes!”

They both sat up and pulled their robes back on. Yoake disappeared into his walk in closet, returning with a box stuffed with letters. “Somehow, I knew you'd be reading them one day.”

L excitedly took the box from him, sitting cross legged on the bed as he opened the first one. It seemed they were organized by date, making it easy for L to follow the time line. The first letter was just as Yoake had said; Light planned on handing the book over upon his death. Ryuk was to make sure it happened for him.

The following letters asked many questions about Yoake’s childhood and beliefs. He asked how he'd felt about the detective L and Kira both, encouraging him to be honest. In a few of the letters, Light seemed to be answering some questions Yoake had.

L was halfway through the pile when he whispered, “That husband of mine was such a sneaky bastard.” He smiled up at Yoake, who was surprised to hear him speak of Light like that. “Oh, don't worry Yoake, I'm not upset. And I knew Light was sneaky and he knew he was a bastard.”

Yoake burst into laughter, enjoying seeing the side of L who joked about his husband's less savory character traits. Apparently L was very forgiving and dished out grace about as fast as people like he and Light consumed it.

Finally, L came upon the final letter, and as he read it, his eyes blurred once again with tears, “…I know you'll love him the moment you meet him. Please, take good care of him for me. It is my dying wish that L find happiness again, and I know you will not let me down…”

Clutching the letter to his chest, L wept openly, no longer feeling embarrassed to do so in front of Yoake. He felt strong arms wrap around him from behind, silently holding him as he cried. Eventually, he composed himself enough to speak, “How did he know?” L turned in Yoake's arms and faced him, “How did he know we would fall for each other?”

Yoake shrugged but smiled widely, “_Are_ you falling for me?”

L hesitated, but knew honesty was welcome here, “Yes,” he whispered as his lips met Yoake's.

The box of letters made its way to the floor and the two men found themselves entangled once again. This time, when tears spilled over L's face, Yoake kissed them away without stopping. Cradling L tenderly, Yoake's powerful body filled L with his love and want and need. The two of them had found each other in a dark place, led by a light that would shine down on them forever.

***

“_Dearest L,_

_Reading this letter can only mean one thing; you did it, you kept your promise. I'm sure many years have gone by since my passing, and I can't imagine how strange it must be for you to read a letter from your first husband as you prepare to marry your second. In my own way, I feel like I'm giving you away today. I feel as though I'm giving you over to a future that's bright and happy and full of promise._

_I want you to walk to that alter without looking back. Say your vows without hesitation. Kiss him and know that it is right, L. This is my wish for you. It has been my wish for five years now._

_When I look at you now, I see such sorrow. I don't want that to be the rest of your life. I want to see your face light up from within like it used to, like it did when Timothy was born._

_When I think of your future, I imagine you with your new husband in a big house with lots of children running about, playing. Perhaps the two of you sit on your bench swing in the early morning and drink coffee together before the kids even wake up. Maybe you're frazzled as you try to send four kids off to school with their homework complete and lunches packed. Maybe, in your haze, you screw up the laundry again. That's the future I imagine for you. One full of love and laughter, where you kiss scraped knees and hug away night terrors._

_Go to it now, L. Embrace it and never let it go. I know you'll never forget me. I'm honestly no_t _worried about that at all. I can't wait to see you again, to see you happy and whole and to tell me all about the amazing life you lived._

_Feel each tick of your pocket watch and know that in timelessness, we’ll dance again._

_With all my love, Light”_

L tried not to let his tears pelt the paper, but a few drops defied him. Folding it gently and sliding it back into its envelope for safe keeping, L held it to his chest and sighed. Yoake hadn't said a word the entire time, he just stood in the doorway waiting to be needed. As L knelt on the floor of the dressing room, he squeezed his eyes shut and gathered himself. Opening his eyes, L gazed upon his stunning husband to be, “Thank you,” he breathlessly managed.

Yoake smiled as he leaned against the doorway, saying nothing. He didn't know what the letter said; that was between L and Light. All he knew was it was his job to deliver this letter to L on their wedding day before they said their vows.

“Was there a letter you were to give me had we not worked out?” L half joked from his place on the floor.

“No,” Yoake laughed, “Light was pretty smug so he believed he was right about this.”

L nodded, “He was right about a lot of things.”

Walking over to L and kneeling, Yoake took L's face in his hands and kissed his forehead. “I'm going to finish getting ready now. I'll see you in a few minutes.”

“Ok. I love you,” L said, turning his face up to the man as he held him.

“I love you, too,” Yoake replied with a soft kiss to L's lips before he stood to leave.

As L watched the door close softly behind Yoake, he sighed. He was ready for this, he knew. It was funny how the second time around he didn't feel quite so nervous. Perhaps it was because he knew what to expect. While his relationship with Yoake was different in many ways than the one he shared with Light, it had enough similarities to feel familiar, to be comfortable.

Kissing the envelope, L stood as he whispered, “Thank you, Light, for everything.” Standing before the full length mirror, L took himself in. Tucking in his shirt and fussing with his bow tie, L thought he didn’t look half bad. Hopefully Yoake found him handsome. He always said he did. Even after being together two years, Yoake seemed like he couldn't get enough of L. Hopefully that lasted the next fifty or so years.

L smiled at his reflection, having for the first time a healthy appearance. He looked almost well rested, and thanks to Yoake's push toward eating healthier, L actually looked healthier. He laughed to himself; leave it to Light to find somebody for him who would make him eat healthy. Seemed Light could make him eat vegetables from beyond the grave after all.

Sliding into his blazer, L buttoned it up and took one last look in the mirror. He wasn't quite the physical embodiment of perfection that Yoake was, but he looked good in his own right. He messed with his crooked boutonniere, unable to straighten it out. The white flowers and roses were a stunning contrast to the black ensemble he wore. Sachiko and Sayu had helped put their wedding together, and their use of white flowers and candles added a stunningly romantic touch to everything.

It was a great comfort that they were there. He smiled as he remembered introducing Yoake to them. He'd been so nervous he could've puked. But he held it together and of course Yoake introduced himself flawlessly. The Yagami's adopted him immediately, even before they were told of the tragic way he lost his family as a child and was raised by the one aunt he had left. Sachiko was beside herself with joy at gaining another son. Nobody dared believe they could replace the one she lost, but both he and Yoake were more than happy to fill that void in her heart. They gave her someone to worry about, fuss over, cook for, and love.

At first she seemed heart broken that they intended to live in England. Then L said something brilliant, “Why don't you two retire to England and live near us?” Sayu and Near had already married and settled down in England themselves by that point, expecting their first child. It only made sense.

Both Souichiro and Sachiko loved the idea. It didn't take long for their house to sell, and they all made the trek to England together. L bought them a house, feeling like it was the least he could do for them. He didn't want them to worry about a mortgage at their age, anyway.

He was somewhat surprised when Yoake seemed ok with the in laws living nextdoor. But he was a smart man, knowing Sachiko would be an excellent built in babysitter for her grandchildren. L had to laugh at that, but it was true. She was excited about Sayu's pregnancy, doting on her daughter daily, and she couldn’t wait for the guys to get started. “You aren't getting any younger!” She teased L.

With a deep breath, L put his fond memories away and pushed open the door. The nerves finally settled in; this was it. He was getting married. “You’re with me, right?” he whispered to himself.

“_Always_,” Light replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are winding down now. All that's left is the Epilogue, which I might post today. I've really loved this story so much and I'm incredibly thankful to those of you who have stuck around and made it through.


	23. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a small glimpse into L's future with his new husband and the life he's made for himself.

L stood on his back porch, admiring the way the sunlight fragmented as it shined through the trees. A breeze picked up and he sipped his coffee to stave off a coming shiver. As he watched his son and daughter play, he wondered if they were dressed in enough layers. Their rosy cheeks and carefree laughter told him he had nothing to worry about, however.

His eyes drifted over to the tall, stunning man playing along with the toddlers. L's heart nearly fractured at the sight of his smile. He wondered for a moment how it was possible he'd gotten so lucky twice. Light was right all along and L had to laugh at losing the wager. He'd have to pay his debt to Light in the afterlife.

“Well are you just going to stand there or are you joining us?” Yoake called from the grassy garden they played in.

“I'm coming!” L called as he descended the steps, his children running to him the moment they realized he was out there. His son fell, scraping a knee and beginning to cry. “Sh, now. You're alright, Light.” L soothed as he lifted the boy into his arms. The tears quickly dried with a kiss on the cheek and warm embrace; his amber eyes dazzling against the moisture in them.

His brown haired, dark eyed little girl reached for him, determined not to be left out. Yoake had claimed it was coincidence when he said he loved the name, but L suspected he was honoring L's former in-laws by naming their daughter Sayu. Yoake was generous like that, and L couldn't love him more for it.

It had taken L a very long time to come to a place in his life where he felt ready to start a family again. He knew he didn't want to be a single dad. Yoake solved that problem easily.They didn't wait long after getting married to start, and Yoake was surprisingly excited about having Light’s baby as their own. What better way to honor the man who did so much for him?T used the same surrogate for both children, their second child the spitting image of Yoake, so L didn't even look like he belonged in the family.

“Did she go down alright?” Yoake asked as he kissed L, the children in his arms giggling and struggling to be let down.

“Without a sound. She definitely didn't get her good sleeping habits from me,” L smiled as he thought about their new baby. Finally, a family member who resembled him! She had big grey eyes and wild black hair with porcelain skin. They named her Lily, but called her Baby L, of course. She was only a few weeks old but L already knew she was going to love solving puzzles like he did. Maybe she would become the next L, if she wanted. He honestly didn't care, as long as his children were happy and not secret mass murderers. There wouldn't be pressure to perform on any of them. L swore they'd have unconditional love every day he and Yoake were still alive to give it, and that would be enough.

He hoped Light would grow up feeling good about himself without trying to be perfect all the time. He saw flashes of his father's faults in him, but L knew he wouldn't make the same mistakes Light’s parents had made with him. L would make sure Light felt like he could bring his inner most thoughts to him, no matter how dark, no matter how lost. Because he knew it would come. There would undoubtedly be a day where Light felt that way, and instead of being left to his own devices and self destructing, L and Yoake would be there. They would tell him, when he was ready, who his father really was. That he had the blood of Kira coursing through his veins. They'd hope that because of that, Light would understand himself better and know he had a choice. He could use his brilliance for whatever he wanted, but they'd hope he’d choose good. They'd hope he'd choose love.

L rolled his eyes and let his sweet husband go when he heard Baby L crying on the monitor.

“Do you want me to get her this time?” Yoake offered.

“No, it's ok. I really don't mind,” L smiled. Maybe there was a time in his life where he would’ve been a lazy dad, but he wasn’t that person anymore. He hadn't been that person for many years.

As he ascended the stairs, he heard the baby quiet down to giggles and coo's. Curious, he gently pushed open the door, nearly falling over in shock from the sight before him. Recovering quickly, he whispered, “Light?” as he stepped into the room.

The transparent apparition smiled at him lovingly and said, “She's beautiful, L,” before disappearing into nothing.

It happened so fast that L questioned if it happened at all. He felt the familiar sting of tears pinch his face as he gathered his daughter in his arms and looked around the room. It were as though nothing had happened. L sighed, “I miss you, Light.”

With a deep breath and a quick wipe of his face with the back of his hand, L gathered himself. He and Lily would join their happy family outside and enjoy this crisp, sunny day. For a moment L wondered why Light visited Lily and not the other children. What made her special? It occurred to him that it might be because she resembled Timothy so much. A sudden calm came over L as he realized Light would be watching over her. Maybe her big brother was too. L wondered if Light and Timothy were together again in heaven. In his younger years he wouldn't have given such a silly notion another thought, but since losing the two most important people in his life, it didn't feel so silly anymore.

L would always love Light. He still had his bad moments and those were the days Yoake gave him space. Holidays weren't hard anymore because the children brought him such joy. Usually he and Light’s wedding anniversary was difficult, and harder still was the anniversary of Light’s passing and his birthday.

But L didn't dwell on the past, and he never stayed sad long. Light had taught him so much during their short time together. He’d taught him how to love, persevere, sacrifice, do laundry. L laughed. He was actually a more mature, patient man who was pretty handy around the house thanks to Light. And even though Yoake helped fill a necessary void and they loved each other very much, there was nobody like Light. There never could be, and L would always love him. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you for making it this far. This story means a lot to me and was a huge part of the healing process for me after a rather traumatic hospital stay. Much like L, I do feel as though I found healing and have been able to start a new life over again after the ordeal. Ending this story was bittersweet for me because it signifies the closing of a difficult chapter in my life. I genuinely hope you enjoyed reading it.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! If it's any good, I'll keep going.


End file.
